Chapter 9 (Part 5)

In the end, wasn’t it all for the better? If she had met Nathaniel while still holding onto her memories, the outcome would have been entirely different.  

“That’s not true. I wouldn’t have ignored you. Even if I had, it would’ve been because I thought of you as someone far beyond my reach. As someone so different from me that I couldn’t imagine us being connected.”  

Cordelia smiled softly, her eyes curving gently as she continued.  

“That’s why, as I’ve said before, I’m so grateful that you’ve kept me by your side, cared for me like this, and are trying to solve my problems. But if all of this means you’re carrying too much on your own…”

Nathaniel’s words were uncertain, perhaps because Cordelia’s voice was fading. He immediately lifted his head from her embrace, and anxiety was evident on his face.

“Cordelia, I really…”

He began. 

“If it’s hard for you to move, then… soon, tell me everything.” 

Cordelia urged. 

“…” 

“Alright? I don’t want you to suffer alone. Really. Especially if it’s because of me.” 

“Cordelia…”  

“If it’s a burden, let’s carry it and solve it together. We’re a couple now. We even cut the cake together. We promised that, remember?” 

Cordelia reminded him. 

She disliked that Nathaniel was enduring sacrifices unilaterally because of her. It upset her that he didn’t show signs of struggle and didn’t tell her. It pained her that she couldn’t even gauge how much he was enduring and tolerating because of her. 

What was the talk about life force, what did he mean by saying he had to let her go, what did it mean that he might fall out of the flow because of her, and what was the story about breaking wings? 

She wanted to ask him about these things right away, and she didn’t want to let him take risks. That was how she honestly felt. But she didn’t want to force the truth out of him.

The secrets she didn’t remember were no longer hers, and only he held them. But forcing them out might end up hurting him. 

“Nathaniel” 

She kissed his eyes, cheeks, and lips, which were looking up at her with trembling eyes. 

She loved him. She trusted him. She hoped these feelings would be conveyed. 

“Don’t push yourself until it becomes too hard. Promise me now.” 

“But I really… I’m okay…” 

“I love you, and I don’t want you to push yourself alone because of me. I might not be able to just watch then. So, promise me now.”  

His answer was vague, as if he still had the anxiety that she might leave if she regained her memories. It was somewhat upsetting, but it was entirely her responsibility to give him trust. So she said she loved him again. She hoped that these sincere words would become solid ground, so he wouldn’t be shaken anymore. 

After deeply kissing his lips, she pulled back and spoke. 

“Honey, think about it. We can’t go on like this forever. There will come a time when we have to talk. Even if you don’t want to say it, I might remember everything first. So, take your time and decide. Which side is truly better?” 

Nathaniel slowly closed his eyes and opened them again.

It was hard to tell what he wanted to say, but the anxiety was gradually subsiding. He seemed to be slowly forming an answer. 

“But don’t worry. Even if I regain my memories, I will wait quietly until you tell me. By your side. Do you know what this means? It means I will never leave you. So, you don’t have to carry any burden from now on. Move with that in mind. Solve this matter that way too.”

She said it as if she was making a statement.

“If keeping it a secret is more comfortable for you now, then do so. I won’t ask more. And I’ll do as you say. But please remember that I said this.” 

“…” 

“I am qualified to say this, right? Because I’m your wife.”  

At that moment, Nathaniel’s lips pressed against hers. His hot tongue enveloped her deeply. The atmosphere quickly turned sultry.

In his tender embrace, she could feel the intense heat from his caressing touch. It felt like returning to their wedding night. Back then, he had embraced her deeply with a desire to completely have her or to feel that he had. 

As if by a silent agreement, they slowly moved to the bed. Then they undressed each other. By now, they understood what the other wanted with just a glance, so there was no need to probe or ask. Acting together was a warm consent. 

“Of course. You’re qualified. And I promise. I won’t push myself to the point of struggle, and if it becomes too much to handle… then I’ll explain everything to you.” 

He gently laid her on the bed and responded belatedly. When she smiled quietly, rubbing his hand against her cheek with delight at his words, Nathaniel’s eyes filled with affection. 

“Ah… Ah!” 

“Ah… Haa…”

After the gentle caresses, he entered her. Although she was familiar with the intense sensation by now, the pleasure was more profound today, perhaps because he was particularly firm. 

“Hug me…” 

“Okay.” 

Reaching out to him as he moved roughly, she spoke. Like a large animal covering her body, he willingly leaned down. She embraced his firm body tightly and kissed his skin softly in various places. Normally, she would have nipped and scratched, but today she wanted to be gentle. She wanted to hold him tenderly, as if comforting him, asking if it was hard or if it had been hard.

She didn’t know if her feelings were conveyed, but Nathaniel seemed more excited than usual. He explored her more passionately. Eventually, she shuddered at the hot sensation pouring into her and kissed him deeply. 

She didn’t know what situation he was protecting her from. But since he promised to tell her someday, she thought that was enough. Even if not now, if she had built a pillar of certainty that she trusted him completely, it seemed sufficient. This considerate and affectionate man would surely find it less difficult just from that. 

“Are you going out again tomorrow…?” 

In the lingering aftermath, as he caught his breath, he looked at her and answered. It seemed he would have to for a while. She clung to his neck with a pitiful whimper. A small laugh escaped from his lips. 

“You can’t stay out overnight like last time. I’m scared to sleep alone at night.”

“That’s right. Okay, I’ll be careful this time.” 

“And I’ll be very bored since I can’t go outside.” 

“Ah… I can’t do anything about that…” 

At her complaint, he furrowed his brow apologetically, full of regret. She kissed his cheek lightly and said,

“I liked it when you let me sleep for a long-time last time.”

“When?” 

He asked, trying to recall, and then sighed as if remembering something. His cheeks turned a shade of red. 

“But only if it’s not too hard for you.”

She spoke lightly on purpose. It was the same words as before, but this time with a playful tone. She liked it when the weight between them was subtly adjusted like this. She didn’t want him to take her words too seriously or heavily. She also didn’t want him to see her as a difficult woman.

“It’s not hard.” 

Nathaniel, being sensitive to her feelings, quickly matched her mood. 

In the now lighter atmosphere, they joyfully embraced each other again, ending with pleasant laughter. Then, holding each other again, they sought sleep in the warm embrace. She closed her eyes, wishing this feeling would carry into her dreams in Nathaniel’s warm arms.

But the next morning, 

As soon as she woke up after Nathaniel had left, she was filled with fear. 

“I… I…” 

Through that dream, a despairing memory had vividly surfaced, piercing her reality. 

“I should have… died…”