“By the way, wasn’t Lord Ruben looking for you?”

Miel asked casually, clearly changing the subject on purpose. Helia raised an eyebrow, intrigued.

“Ruben? Why?”

“Who knows? He seemed to have some business with you.”

When could she have seen Ruben? Miel had returned late last night, reported directly to Helia, and gone straight to rest. Meanwhile, Ruben had been by Helia’s side until early morning.

Helia stared at Miel, her face still clouded with curiosity. Miel, on the other hand, responded with a smug expression.

“Well, maybe the business wasn’t with Your Majesty after all.“

“What’s that supposed to mean? What business?”

No matter how much Helia pressed her, Miel refused to say another word. When Helia tried to corner her, Miel even leaped out the window.

Helia stood dumbfounded, watching Miel’s retreating figure vanish from sight. Eventually, she decided to seek out Ruben herself. She couldn’t help but feel a twinge of regret for teasing Miel earlier.

***

Contrary to her expectations of finding Ruben quickly, Helia had difficulty locating him. Usually, Ruben would be at the training grounds, but today, he was nowhere to be seen. No one seemed to know his exact whereabouts.

“Where could he possibly be?”

She dispatched people to track his movements, but no news had returned. Restless, Helia lounged on the sofa in her office, nervously picking up and putting down papers. Once her thoughts started dwelling on something, she found it impossible to focus on anything else.

“Your Majesty, we’ve located Lord Ruben.”

“Really? Where?“

“Well…”

Della hesitated, but that alone was enough for Helia to figure it out.

“The Star Residence, isn’t it?”

The capital of Carden, Kalden, was once the territory of the Effenberg family. The Effenberg ducal residence, located in the prime spot of the region, had become the foundation for the royal palace’s construction. Although subsequent royal palaces were built, the ducal residence was left intact in a corner of the palace grounds.

Various reasons were given for its preservation, including its architectural significance as a prime example of Baelian design. But it remained because Ruben, its former owner, had asked for it to stay.

“I want to remember my mistakes.”

Therefore, Helia had always wanted to demolish the entire residence. Starting anew, she believed, should involve letting go of the past. But Ruben had pleaded with her to leave the residence, or at least the Star Residence, intact. And the Queen couldn’t bring herself to deny her knight’s earnest request.

“If it had been about cherishing memories with family, that would’ve been easier to handle.”

In that case, Helia would have ordered the place restored and well-maintained, even spending time there with Ruben without hesitation. But Ruben had labeled the residence a monument to his mistakes, leaving it minimally maintained and mostly abandoned. Occasionally, he visited it in secret, without Helia’s knowledge.

It wasn’t long ago that Helia learned about these visits, thanks to a slip of the tongue from Ikael. At first, Helia intended to confront Ruben about it, but she ultimately refrained.

Some things can’t be changed, no matter how much you coax or demand. Even if Helia had come to terms with the past, Ruben couldn’t bring himself to do the same.

“Should I send someone?“

“No, leave it.“

Della’s cautious suggestion was met with a shake of Helia’s head. If Ruben wasn’t telling her about it, he must have his reasons. Trusting and leaving him to it was part of Helia’s role.

Even so, she couldn’t help feeling a pang of disappointment. She expressed it through small, petty acts—setting her teacup down noisily or glaring at the sofa where Ruben often sat, her chin propped up with a sulky expression.

“Your Majesty, please maintain your dignity.“

“There’s no one here but you and me. What dignity?”

Helia was now lounging on the sofa with her shoes off, her legs stretched out. Della looked exasperated but refrained from further admonishment. Then, unexpectedly, surprising news arrived.

“Your Majesty, Lord Ruben has sent someone.”

“What?”

Helia immediately shot up from her seat. Della, startled by the sudden movement, gasped, noticing that her liege had stepped onto the ground barefoot.

“Your Majesty! Your feet—!“

“Fine, fine, I’ll put my shoes on.”

Not waiting for Della, Helia grabbed her shoes, but Della hurriedly helped her put them on anyway. Impatient, Helia pressed the attendant who had delivered the message.

“What did Lord Ruben say?“

“He asked to inform Your Majesty that he will be waiting at the Star Residence.“

“The Star Residence?”

Helia repeated in surprise. The attendant merely nodded in affirmation.

“What could this be about?”

Even though Helia was fully aware of his movements, Ruben had never openly mentioned his visits to the Star Residence. Ruben also knew that Helia was aware. Yet, he had always chosen not to share those details, not because it was a secret, but because he didn’t wish to involve her in what he considered his burden to bear alone.

But now, Ruben had suddenly summoned her to that very place. Helia couldn’t begin to guess his reasons.

“I’m heading to the Star Residence right now.”

Helia was already moving as she spoke, and the chief lady-in-waiting and attendants hurried to follow her.

“I’ll guide you to where Lord Ruben is,“ one of the attendants offered.

“No, it’s fine. I think I know where he’ll be,“ Helia replied.

When they arrived at the Star Residence, an attendant volunteered to lead the way. However, Helia left the others outside and walked in alone. Without hesitation, she found her way directly to her destination.

A small attic room on the easternmost side, where sunlight poured in through the expansive windows, leaving no corner untouched.

“Ruben.”

As expected, Ruben was there. He stood behind the door, staring out endlessly through the window.

Hearing her voice, Ruben slowly turned around. Helia stood still, watching him. Then it hit her—a memory of the two of them from long ago, in a moment that felt like the complete opposite of now.

Sunlight, tinged with the hues of dusk, streamed down on Ruben. With the light behind him, she couldn’t see him clearly. Perhaps that was why her heart sank suddenly, as though the light might swallow him whole. She knew he wouldn’t disappear, yet the brightness seemed to blur him. Her stinging eyes were likely due to the light, but she couldn’t shake the urge to cry.

Was this how you felt that day?

“Ruben…”

Her voice trembled as she called his name. As if sensing her unease, Ruben quickly closed the distance between them.

“Your Majesty.”

“…”

“Helia.“

“…Yes.“

“It’s all right.”

“…”

“I’m here.”

Understanding her anxiety completely, Ruben leaned in and kissed her gently on the forehead. His touch was tender as if soothing a crying child, and for some reason, it made her feel like crying even more.

You lost me here once. I can still hear your beast-like cries echoing in my ears. The desperate grip with which you clung to my crumbling self is as vivid as the pain it caused me. If my faint memories are this intense, how much more vivid must that moment have been for you?

“This is why I hesitated to call you here,“ Ruben said softly.

“…”

“I worried that you might dwell on it, even though none of it was your fault.“

“You fool. The only reason I dwell on it is…“

It’s because of you. Because you won’t let yourself go. Because you won’t forgive yourself. Because you keep driving yourself into your own personal h*ll.

This place doesn’t ache because of the me who died back then. It aches because of the you who can’t move on from that day.

She wanted to snap at him, but her throat tightened, and no words came out. Ruben, understanding even this, spoke gently.

“Still, I couldn’t think of a better place to give you your gift.“

“A gift?“ Helia looked at him questioningly. Ruben didn’t answer but extended his left hand toward her. It was only then that Helia noticed the bouquet he was holding. The soft fragrance that filled the room reached her at last.

Gazing at the blue blossoms that seemed to mirror the sky, she asked, “What are these?”

“White Leikas.”

“White Leikas?”

“Yes, flowers that bloom only on the cliffs of the Synod Valley. I didn’t have much time, so I asked Miel to find a spot where they had started blooming, and I went there early this morning.“

“The cliffs of Synod Valley?“ Helia repeated absentmindedly, then froze as if struck by lightning. Memories of a childhood conversation resurfaced vividly in her mind.

“Ruben, did you know? There’s a flower that only blooms on the cliffs of Synod Valley.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I want to see it.”

“But, Princess, you can’t leave the palace.”

“That’s why I’m telling you, Ruben.”

“I’ll bring it for you, so promise me you won’t leave the palace.”

Despite that promise, she never got to see the flowers. All she received was news that Ruben had fallen from the cliff and sustained serious injuries. For the first time, the young girl realized that the boy could leave her in one form or another. Everything lost color; the world blurred into indistinct shapes as if seen through constant tears.

When the boy finally appeared before her again, his body still unhealed, his battered form smiling at her, his forest-green eyes shining unhesitatingly, the world regained its vivid colors. She then realized that it wasn’t the flowers she had wanted to see.

“Does it hurt a lot?”

“Not at all.”

Even though you were the one who was hurt, you comforted me with your kindness. You whispered lies to ease my heart.

“Are you mad at me?”

“Not at all.”

“Then you won’t leave me?”

“Of course not.”

Even with your wounded body, you held me as I clung to you desperately.

Behind you, the world regained its balance and natural beauty and reconstructed itself. It was dazzling and radiant, so much so that it made my heart ache.

Only then did I understand. What I truly wanted to see wasn’t the flowers. It was you, looking only at me, thinking only of me. All I wanted was to be in your arms.

“Looking back, there were so many promises I failed to keep,“ Ruben said softly.

“…”

“The vows I once broke…”

“…”

“There are so many that I dare not beg for forgiveness.“

That’s not true. She needed to say those words, but Helia couldn’t utter a sound. All she could do was press her chest, aching unbearably with every breath.

“Though it’s late, I wanted to return them to you, one by one.”

“…”

“Would you accept them?”

However, Helia did not take the bouquet. Instead, she threw herself into Ruben’s arms, clutching him tightly with no hands left to spare.

Ruben was not startled. He chuckled softly, embracing her with the bouquet still in his hand. The delicate, fragrant scent of the flowers filled the air as she inhaled, soaking into her very being. It was an unmistakable, calming fragrance reminiscent of dawn’s dew. A scent as gentle and nurturing as the cool shade shielding her from the piercing sunlight.

She liked that scent. Or perhaps it wasn’t the flowers at all—it was him.

The two held each other for a long while, unable to let go.

With his arms still wrapped tightly around her, Ruben whispered softly in her ear.

“I meant to give you a gift, but it feels like I’m the one receiving one instead.“

“Just from this?“

“It’s everything to me.”

And he meant it. Creating new, happy memories in this place would never erase the past. His regrets would remain, and the foolishness of that day would not fade. But this moment wasn’t meant to undo those things.

Even so, his promise extended to making her take even a single step forward from that day. He would reopen his wounds without complaint, wearing a smile through the pain for her sake. How could she not love him for that selfless resolve, steadfast devotion?

It was all for her, from beginning to end.

“So do I.”

From the very beginning, it’s always been you. Only you.

From the moment I saw the light in your eyes, I began to draw my world with it.

***

As the sunset spread like a carpet across the narrow, shabby attic, there were no lofty royals or figures of grandeur. Stripped of rank and status, a man and a woman embraced, their faces glowing with happiness like any lover would.

“Speaking of which, I heard the chancellor caused quite the uproar in your office today.”

Helia laughed softly, her voice carrying the warmth of their shared intimacy.

“He did. He made quite the effort to upset me.“

“Perhaps you should show some anger for a change.“

Ruben’s tone was somber, making Helia giggle.

“Ikael is getting bolder these days.”

“Because he knows you’ll tolerate it. Though, I’m sure he’s secretly anxious about it.“

“Really?“

“Despite appearances, he watches your every reaction closely. He’s even confided his concerns to me.“

“Then maybe he should show that concern before me,“ Helia grumbled. The warmth in her sigh made Ruben smile faintly.

“I heard you’ve decided on the fate of the Count and his heir.“

“Yes. Ikael made such a fuss, I told him to handle it however he wanted.“

“But in the end, wasn’t it still within the range you’d considered? It’s good that a longstanding issue has finally been resolved.“

“True. But…”

Helia trailed off, her words suddenly quiet. Ruben tilted his head, concern evident in his gaze.

“Helia?“

“You know, Ruben.”

Helia interrupted him, her face thoughtful as she spoke. Ruben waited patiently for her to continue.

“What kind of love makes a man give up everything for such a useless son?”

On the surface, it was a humorous question, but Ruben couldn’t laugh. He knew precisely where that question came from.

Even now, Ruben sometimes dreams of chasing Rigel to the ends of h*ll and severing his head. Yet in those dreams, as he stared at the lifeless body, Helia would appear behind him, calling his name. He could never turn to see her face or what expression she bore in the wake of such vengeance.

“You could tell at a glance he’d cause trouble one day. His eyes were unsettling. The Count must have suffered endlessly because of him. I just don’t get it.“

“You don’t need to understand the Count’s feelings, Your Majesty.“

Ruben’s tone was intentionally cold, but Helia hesitated.

“Yes. I suppose so. But…”

She would never fully comprehend. How could she when she had never known the infinite love of a parent? Her mother had nothing to give, and her father had only cruelty. It was natural she wouldn’t understand, and she no longer felt bitter about it.

Yet moments like this stirred an inexplicable restlessness in her. Perhaps because there was nothing in the world she lacked anymore? Or perhaps because there was one thing she could never possess?

Even she didn’t know why, but the heartfelt letter Ikael had delivered from the Count earlier had left her unsteady. It had annoyed her—but also moved her.

“Still, I want to understand it, just a little.“

“Understand what?“

“I want to know. Even if I never received it, whether I can give it.”

Helia met Ruban’s gaze. Her golden eyes were resolute, glowing with a fiery intensity that seemed to fill the room with warmth, reaching even her fingertips.

“I need an heir, don’t I?”

“Of course, but…“

“I think I really need one now.”

Her determination was so precise that Ruban finally burst into laughter. Helia joined him, her bright laughter filling the small attic without hesitation.

Ruban leaned in, peppering her face with light kisses. His lips were so warm that she felt as if they might leave a burn. Featherlight kisses landed on her forehead, brows, cheeks, and nose’s bridge. When their lips finally met, Helia realized she would remember this moment forever—just as vividly as she remembered the boy who had once knelt before her, stammering an awkward vow. Every shadow of him was etched into her memory.

“Helia.“

“Yes?“

“Helia.“

“I’m here.”

Ruban continued to call her name, and it sounded like a confession of love to Helia. Perhaps it wasn’t far from the truth.

The sun finally set, and darkness seeped into the narrow attic. After what felt like an eternity, their long kiss ended, and the two rose to their feet.

It was time to leave. They had just whispered to each other for the sake of the small promises and for the future that awaited them.

“Shall we go?“

“Yes.”

Ruban extended his hand, and Helia took it without hesitation, clasping it tightly.

Before leaving, Helia slowly glanced around the room. She could still remember it all. That time when a maid, whose face she couldn’t recall, had brought her a teacup as a gift from Ruban. She had stared blankly at the red tea, its color matching a description she’d once heard. She hadn’t touched it for a while, her fingers merely brushing the handle as she hesitated, overwhelmed by the dazzling morning sunlight and the impossibly blue sky outside. She remembered it all so clearly, almost painfully.

But now, this place didn’t hurt as much as it once had. Perhaps, with time, she might even come to love it. Not yet, but someday. And she hoped Ruban would, too. Even painful memories could become cherished in time. She just hoped they wouldn’t hurt as much when that time came—that they wouldn’t torment him so profoundly.

With such distant days in mind, the two left the attic. As they finally closed the door behind them, Helia suddenly asked:

“Ruban.“

“Yes?“

“Do you think I can love our child?”

The calmness of her question made Ruban frown slightly. It was as if she were asking about the weather, but the nonchalance made it all the more heartbreaking. What could he say to that? Of course? Certainly? Any words felt hollow as if they might not reach her.

Still, he had to speak. He chose the most beautiful words he knew, hoping they might carry even a fraction of his heart to her.

“Even if you can’t love them, it’s all right. I’ll love them enough for the both of us.”

Helia chuckled softly, almost as if she were scolding him. What won’t you do for me? Are you saying it’s fine if I’m a terrible parent?

Ruban smiled in return, replying as if to say: Whatever you are, it’s okay. No version of you wouldn’t be.

Helia scoffed at the idea of being a bad parent. Yet, deep down, her heart swelled with warmth, filling her with a strange certainty that she would love the child after all. At the same time, a baseless confidence grew within her—that she might even be an excellent parent. And she found this version of herself, strangely enough, lovable.

You make me feel this way.

When I love you, I can’t help but love myself.

When I care for you, that care turns back to me.

It’s funny. Once, loving you nearly destroyed me. But now, loving you has made me treasure myself. That absurd transformation gives me hope for other impossibilities.

As ridiculous as it sounds…

Maybe we truly can love each other forever.

~~THE END~~