Chapter 72

Why is it so difficult to keep my emotions in check before Julian?

I cleared my throat, which kept tightening, and opened the jewelry box. It took some time to pry open the gap with my fingernail, and I was grateful for the brief delay. When I finally spoke, my voice came out steadier than I expected.

“This notebook was inside.”

I handed the notebook to Julian. His hand trembled slightly as he took it. He must have quickly realized that this belonged to the former Duchess.

“There’s something important you need to read. Not only because it’s a keepsake, but because it contains information about the former Duchess’s death.”

Julian flipped through the notebook with a sharp touch. However, as he read the first page, his expression softened momentarily, filled with warmth and longing.

But given the seriousness of my words, he didn’t linger there long and quickly skipped to the later pages. His face gradually hardened.

“Haery… she was my mother’s maid.”

“She’s dead now. According to her husband, she was killed by a robber.“

Julian’s lips twisted. There was no reason he wouldn’t have considered what I had.

“It wasn’t a robber, was it?“

“I don’t think so, either.“

“Then what method is written here that supposedly could save me?“

Julian looked puzzled. Judging by the fact that he was still alive, the former Duchess must have done something, but even Julian didn’t know what it was.

“I’ve tried to find out but haven’t had any luck. I even looked through the maid’s belongings but found nothing of note.”

Julian closed his eyes. I could clearly see his eyelids tremble. He loved his mother deeply.

In that little villa, they lived happily in a world that belonged to just the two. If his mother hadn’t died, Julian wouldn’t have had to marry someone like me, who constantly lied.

But I couldn’t begin to imagine the shock he would feel upon learning that his mother didn’t die from a long illness but was poisoned—and that the one who orchestrated it was his uncle.

All I could do was recall the vengeance that had surged within me against Kazak, hoping to grasp even a fraction of Julian’s pain.

“Don’t forgive the murderer.”

I said, looking at Julian. I hoped he wouldn’t let his feelings get the better of him and forgive the Emperor.

The murderer who killed his mother and wasn’t content with that, continuing to oppress Julian’s power—if Julian were to forgive him, his mother would never rest in peace.

But at the same time, I feared Julian might ignore my words. He was much kinder and more compassionate than I was. However, Julian slowly opened his eyes and murmured,

“I suppose I mustn’t.”

His words carried an overwhelming sense of power like a giant serpent tightening its coils. That serpent seemed poised to devour the throne at any moment. Oddly enough, I felt relieved by the tension.

“I’ll help. Don’t refuse me. After all, the path I’m taking isn’t much different.“

“I won’t refuse.”

I felt we were not husband and wife but partners at that moment.

Yes, perhaps this was precisely the kind of relationship I envisioned for us—comrades who would never betray each other. What we needed wasn’t love.

I exhaled, lightly rubbing my forearm. There was still much I needed to say.

“Even though your mind must be all over the place, there’s more I need to tell you.“

“Go on, I’m listening.“

“In less than a year, there will be a surge of monsters in the Eastern Riar Plains. We need to prepare in advance.“

Julian’s brow furrowed, but it didn’t seem to be because he doubted the gravity of the situation. Just as I was about to ask why, he spoke first.

“How do you know that?”

“I can’t tell you.“

“Are you still in contact with ‘Lethe‘?“

Julian disliked Shuan intensely. His wariness toward Shuan had been palpable even during the banquet after the hunting competition.

I no longer considered Shuan a helpful piece in this game. He had been a powerful card in my previous life, but not in this one.

I shook my head.

“No, but even if I told you… you wouldn’t believe me.”

Julian stood up from his seat. I looked up at him, his eyes now gleaming sharply. His voice was lower and darker than ever.

“Have I lost your trust entirely because I didn’t believe you about the Princess?”

I quickly shook my head. That wasn’t it.

“I’m not blaming you. It’s my fault.“

“What exactly is your fault?“

“Everything. It’s all my fault for letting things get to this point. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Julian rubbed his face in frustration. I bit my lip. He circled the table and approached me. Julian carefully placed his hand on my knee, kneeling on one knee in front of me. He looked straight into my eyes and said,

“Laila, if I were to promise to believe whatever you say, would you believe me?”

I wanted to respond calmly, no matter what he said, but I couldn’t bear that question. I looked away from his gaze and stared into the air. I felt like I would cry if I didn’t.

“You don’t believe me.“

“Laila. Look at me.“

“I know. I know I don’t deserve your trust. I’m still hiding so much from you. You know it, and I know that you know it. How can there be trust between us?“

“Laila!”

Julian called out in a low voice. I bit my lower lip, forcing myself to turn my head towards him. His face was filled with despair. Clenching his fists, he asked in a pained voice,

“Can’t you trust me, even just once?”

I scoffed at his words—not at Julian, but at myself.

“What makes me worthy?”

I covered my face with both hands. I felt ashamed of myself for spewing such emotional and pathetic words in front of him. Julian gently grasped my arms.

“Laila, please don’t cry.”

“I’m not crying!”

But my hands were quickly becoming wet with tears.

“I’m the worst. When I think about you siding with the Princess… I hate you so much. Do you know that? I’m the worst. But if I had met you when we were younger, I would have cherished you more than anyone! More than the Princess!”

I pushed Julian’s hand away from my arm as I spoke. My face was a mess in an instant. I had no idea how I must have looked.

Julian eventually sat beside me and held me in his arms. All my resolve to speak to him calmly, like a business partner or a comrade, vanished in an instant.

It was no different from any other day. I was being irrational, saying things that could not be trusted. Yet Julian still held me. I tried to push him away, but he didn’t budge.

“Don’t hold me!”

Julian loosened his embrace slightly but didn’t let go. He just softly called my name.

“Laila…“

“Why didn’t you come to see me? Why didn’t you explain yourself to me?“

“I didn’t think you’d want me to.“

“Then why did you send Duke? Why did you send a doctor?“

“I thought you might be lonely.”

Whatever I said, Julian would always respond that it was for my sake. And it was true. He always tried to cater to my unpredictable whims, no matter how clumsy or confusing it might be.

I hit Julian’s back hard. But he didn’t even groan, nor did he let me go. He was always like a massive rock, protecting, holding, and comforting me. That realization overwhelmed me, and I closed my eyes and whispered,

“Fine. It’s all my fault.“

“That’s not what I meant!”

Julian pulled away slightly and firmly gripped my shoulders. His fingers seemed to imprint themselves into my skin.

“Listen to me, Laila.”

Julian lifted his hand to calmly wipe the tears from my cheeks. But his hand was trembling, just like mine. As I slowly met his gaze, I saw the confusion in his eyes, as if he couldn’t understand his feelings.

“I want to do whatever you wish. If you want to hide things, I won’t pry. If you want to distance yourself, I won’t force you to stay close. You’re not the kind of woman who would stay if I did. But it seems I can’t help you this way.”

Julian looked infinitely lonely as he said that.

“Laila, I’m clumsy when it comes to things like this. So tell me, how can I stop you from blaming yourself? How can I get you to be honest with me, to trust me completely?“

“Why…?”

I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Why are you so kind to me…? You should be disappointed in me. You should be tired of me.”

I wanted to be firmer with him, but the words were weak. I didn’t know why I could only show him my most vulnerable side. In front of him, I was powerless, incompetent, and even fickle.

Julian gently stroked my back and whispered,

“Because I know you feel guilty about me.”

His tender whisper seemed to melt my mind.

“So it’s okay. I’m okay.”

TL NOTE: A more advanced chapter of this story is already up on the site. Visit dusk blossoms for more advanced chapters and stories.