Chapter 3.8

“I know it’s shameless. I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but… but…”

His chapped cheeks and lips were painfully visible. Without thinking, she almost reached out to touch his cheek.

“Can’t we… start over?”

Her heart pounded faster and faster. Afraid that he might hear it, she took a step back. His already pale face turned even whiter.

“…I’m sorry…”

He murmured a small apology. Hearing his fading voice felt like being struck by a heavy weight. Not only had his usual confidence and composure disappeared, but he looked so pitiful that it was painful to watch. He couldn’t even meet her eyes, and his appearance made her fingers tremble. He wasn’t like this before.

Was it me who had turned him into this?

“After seeing your face, I couldn’t hold back… I spoke without thinking.”

“…”

“Of course, you’d hate it…”

Karl Lavresion mumbled, dropping his gaze entirely to the ground.

“Why… why did it come to this?”

He shook his head as he spoke.

“Karl, you weren’t like this before. You were always confident… composed, kind.”

His lowered head lifted. She met his hollow gaze and realized that her words had hurt him.

“That was all just a facade.”

“…”

“Since meeting you, I can’t recall who I used to be.”

His subdued voice continued.

“I don’t even know why I’ve been living or for what purpose.”

How did it come to this?

“Ever since you left… nothing tastes the same, everything reminds me of you, and no matter what I see, I think of you.”

His hand briefly reached toward her but then fell away.

“Like a fool, I didn’t realize. I just… liked you.”

As she thought, it wasn’t her imagination. She clenched her trembling hand into a fist to hide it. Tears had already welled up in his eyes.

“I didn’t want to admit it. No, I was scared. I didn’t want to believe it.”

“…”

“And yet, I arrogantly thought you’d never leave me. You always looked at me with longing eyes. You liked me. I knew how you felt, but I ignored it.”

Tears streamed down his cheeks.

“Leti, I’m sorry for using you and taking your feelings lightly. I was the fool. I ruined everything. I drove you away. But… but like an idiot, I miss you so much, and I…”

Tears soaked his chapped cheeks. They pooled at his chin and dripped onto the ground. He buried his face in one hand and sobbed. Seeing him cry so miserably brought tears to her own eyes. She hadn’t wanted him to suffer. She hadn’t wanted him to cry because of her.

“Karl…”

She reached out to the man whose shoulders were shaking as he cried. The moment her fingers touched his shoulder, he flinched and lifted his head from his hands. She looked into his tear-filled eyes and forced a smile.

“It’s not entirely your fault.”

Just as she had told him before, she had knowingly entered into a relationship with him. She had known that he treated her feelings lightly and sometimes even disregarded them, yet she had still wanted to be with him.

Back then, she had blamed her own tendency to crave love, but now she understood. Much of it was his fault.

At that time, she had been a girl who had not yet shed her immaturity—unstable and vulnerable. He had taken advantage of that. That was undeniably his fault. But their relationship hadn’t fallen apart solely because of him.

Even if he had cherished her and not used her, their relationship would have faltered. Back then, she couldn’t accept anyone’s love or affection without suspicion. She would have doubted and doubted again. She would have endlessly sought love from others, unable to endure the emptiness within her, and tried to fill her void with someone else. She hadn’t known how to find positive emotions within herself.

Now she understood. No one else could fill her emptiness. If she hadn’t met Karl Lavresion, she might have never realized this.

“Thank you, Karl. Because of you, I’ve learned so much.”

“…”

“So now, you need to return to Arhadan.”

If he stayed here any longer, he would flounder, unable to escape, just as she had once been. She reached up and cupped his cheek. His hot tears soaked her palm.

“You can’t stay here.”

He stared at her without blinking. Yet tears continued to fall from his eyes.

She didn’t want him to follow the same path she had. She hoped he would leave this place and find happiness in Arhadan.

She wiped away his tears with her fingers, then smiled as she waved at him.

“Karl, thank you for coming to Chevrem. Because of that, I got to meet you.”

“…”

“Now, leave the memories of this place behind and return to Arhadan.”

As soon as she finished speaking, he let out a groan and began to sob like a child.

“Hic, ah… hic, ah…”

Karl Lavresion grabbed his face with both hands as if trying to tear it apart. His body shook. Before she could catch him, he crumbled.

His knees hit the ground. Kneeling, he reached out and grabbed the hem of her clothes. Then, he buried his face in it.

“Le… ti… ah, haah…”

His shoulders trembled up and down. In an instant, her skirt became soaked with tears. His veined hands desperately clung to her waist.

“No…”

He sobbed as he spoke.

“No, Leti…”

Although his face was buried in her clothes and couldn’t be seen, it was undoubtedly a mess. She wrapped her trembling hands around his head. It was the only thing she could do for him at that moment.

Karl left, and she returned home alone. The children were still asleep. She cast a fleeting glance at the heavy luggage she had packed.

Her mind was made up. She closed her eyes and tried to sleep. She needed to wake up early the next morning.

* * *

She woke up at the time she needed to. She roused the whining children and dressed them. The luggage included clothes for the children as well.

The doctor had warned her not to lift anything heavy, but she had no choice. Groaning, she lifted the luggage and loaded it onto the carriage. A sharp pain shot through her wrist.

“Ugh.”

Frowning, she carefully placed the children into the carriage one by one. Even lifting her foot to step into the carriage caused pain, and once inside, she had to groan in agony for a while.

The carriage began to move. The children, fascinated by the swaying and forward motion of the carriage, stomped their feet in excitement.

“Selina. Killian. Sit still.”

She spoke in a deliberately stern tone, prompting Killian to glance at her warily before sitting down. Selina, however, continued to bounce around, unable to contain her excitement.

“Selina!”

When she grabbed Selina’s shoulder and called her name loudly, Selina clicked her tongue in annoyance. Her eyes were full of sulkiness. In the end, she had to place Selina on her lap.

The port was in Shelba, far from the capital city of Rebram. It would take over five hours to get there. She steadied her growing impatience.

The children found the time in the carriage unbearably boring. She had no choice but to stop occasionally for walks. The more they stopped, the less time they had left.

They arrived in the capital, Rebram. However, this was not their final destination. The carriage passed through the city and headed toward Shelba. She pointed out the passing scenery to the children.

“This is the capital city, Rebram.”

“Mom, let’s get out! I want to play here.”

Selina’s eyes sparkled as she spoke, but she shook her head.

“Next time. This isn’t where we’re going today.”

Selina visibly showed her disappointment, and Killian was no different. There was nothing she could do.

The crowded roads of the capital made leaving Rebram time-consuming. As time dragged on, her heart grew increasingly anxious. Perhaps yesterday had truly been the last time.

Finally, the carriage entered Shelba. The moment the clear sky and blue sea came into view, she momentarily forgot about him and became captivated by the scenery. It was a beauty unlike that of a lake.

“Wow!”

The children, too, were thrilled as they gazed at the view through the window. She recalled his voice, saying how much he loved the sea. Now she understood why he had spoken with such sparkling eyes.

With his red hair, Karl Lavresion was a man who suited the blue sea and lakes well.

She glanced at the clock. It was almost 2 PM. He would have already boarded the ship before departure. As expected, the closer they got to the port, the more people boarding the ships came into view. He was nowhere to be seen. 

Could he have already boarded?

The moment they arrived at the port, she gathered her luggage and held the children’s hands as she stepped out of the carriage. She handed the prepared money to the coachman, thanked him, and immediately ran toward the clustered ships.