Chapter 37 – I Liked Him

“I have something I’d like to ask.”

With that single sentence, the warm atmosphere of the dinner table suddenly froze.

Mr. Bailey, who was about to pierce a piece of roasted cabbage with his fork, awkwardly put down his utensil, breaking the silence at the table.

“Elsie, did something happen?”

The flickering flame on the candlestick cast a dark shadow on his noticeably gaunt face.

It pained Eloise to see her father like that, but she answered without showing it.

“Would it be alright if I returned to the capital?”

“What? Why?”

“It’s becoming increasingly difficult to stay at home. I’ve tried in my own way, but things aren’t getting better.”

“…”

In truth, Eloise had seldom stepped outside the front door. She didn’t go to church, nor did she roll up her sleeves to feed the ducks anymore.

Since she went for an evening walk with Archibald, who visited her about two weeks ago, she found it difficult to even leave her room.

Naturally, she spent her days either sleeping or lost in thought.

Even when her family spoke to her warmly, she only offered a withered smile, rarely opening her mouth.

At times, she would sleep for days on end, as if escaping into dreams to avoid reality.

When the second daughter of the Bailey family, who had left for the capital and returned home, didn’t show herself outside for an unusually long time, the whole village was puzzled.

Because she had always been so lively, people began to speculate about the reasons, and some of those speculations were taken as truth.

The most prevailing rumor was that Eloise had returned from the capital with a terrible illness, and because it was contagious, she couldn’t come outside.

However, someone who happened to pass by the Bailey household claimed to have seen Eloise through the window, sitting with her family looking perfectly healthy.

Since one couldn’t remain with family so casually if they had a severe contagious disease, that rumor soon died out.

Before long, the rumor transformed into the idea that what she suffered from was not an illness but a fever of love.

A typical story of a simple country woman who had a passionate love affair with an unknown gentleman in the capital and returned heartbroken.

Speculation followed naturally that she was hiding inside because she was starting to show signs of pregnancy, and this sensational rumor spread quickly through Mrs. Fulham’s drawing room.

‘Could it be that the Bailey’s second daughter seduced Sir Ansel and ruined her sister’s marriage?’

Eventually, rumors even spread that the child’s father was the grandson of the Earl of Huntington.

‘Sir Ansel just spent some time with her and left without any regrets. He’ll probably never return. It’s common for noblemen to treat women that way, isn’t it? His real fiancée must be in the capital.’

‘Well, breaking off the engagement was probably easy since the other party was a commoner. He must have had his fun while pretending they would marry. After all, the daughters of that family are quite attractive.’

‘No, wait. So the sisters were after the same man… My goodness, how scandalous.’

‘Their parents must be something too. How can they show their faces at church?’

The family, upon hearing the rumors, was greatly outraged and tried hard to deny them to those who approached out of curiosity.

But now, they were exhausted and chose to ignore them. People believe what they want to believe, no matter how much you shout the truth.

In any case, the rumors of a terrible illness or a child were just nonsense, so sending Eloise outside would solve the problem.

However, the issue was that sending her out to face people didn’t seem like a good idea at the moment.

Eloise was clearly suffering from a sickness of the heart. Encountering such an overheated scandal in her current state would undoubtedly shock her greatly.

Since they couldn’t call a doctor to treat something unseen and untouchable like the heart, all the family could do was wait for time to heal everything.

Looking back now, Eloise seemed just as melancholic the day she first mentioned going to the capital.

Even then, the family worried about her sudden change.

But it was painfully clear that things were different now compared to then.

Back then, she even persuaded her mother with quite bold words. But now…

“Eloise.”

Mrs. Bailey spoke in a concerned voice.

“If it’s hard to stay home, wouldn’t being outside be even harder? You seem so weak…”

“Yes, Elsie. Looking at you now, it wouldn’t be surprising if you were blown away by the wind.”

Seeing her father clasp his hands earnestly in support of her mother, Eloise’s lips curved into a faint smile.

That smile tugged at the family’s hearts.

“The last time, I thought everything would be alright if I went to the capital. I wanted to go. But now, I feel like I have to leave, no matter where. Staying here is becoming unbearable.”

“Dear, have we done something wrong to you? Is there something that upsets you…?”

Mr. Bailey carefully added a word as he rubbed his drooping golden eyebrows.

“If you tell us honestly, maybe we can figure it out together?”

“Honestly…”

Eloise’s bright blue eyes deepened silently.

If she opened her mouth in front of her family, she would have to reveal the truth then. She had thought about it countless times already. She was prepared in her own way.

And yet, she was afraid.

Her family, who embraced her with tender affection despite her staggering like a broken doll, had never seen the bottom of her heart.

Would Mom and Dad, and Sally still love me as they do now after seeing that mire?

The sadness stemmed from not being able to assure herself of that. Just the thought of possibly being hated by her family made her fingertips grow cold and a fierce storm rose in her chest.

‘There is one thing I must tell you, dear.’

So Eloise closed her eyes and recalled the words Mrs. Hearst had told her.

‘In life, even worse things can happen. But no matter what happens, the fact that you are the daughter of the Baileys and the one and only sister of Sarah will never change.’

Yes. There was no escaping it. Even if she fled from Maybury, where her memories were buried, she couldn’t run away from her family.

Even if she were to be hated, she would always be the second daughter of the Baileys, and even if they ended up disliking her, she would still love these three people unchangingly.

“I liked Sir Ansel.”

Having finished her thoughts, Eloise parted her lips.

“From the very first time I saw him. I was five years old.”

At the sudden revelation, her family collectively held their breath.

In the profound silence where only a few candles burned silently, Eloise continued her calm confession.

“It just happened that way. He was more beautiful and special than anything I had ever seen, and I was overjoyed just to be his friend. From that year on, I eagerly awaited every summer.”

“…Yes, you talked about summer even in winter. You seemed like a child who lived all year for the summer.”

Mr. Bailey scratched the back of his head, reminiscing about his daughter’s childhood.

“The reason I disliked marriage was because I knew I couldn’t be with him. I acted unladylike because I didn’t want to accept that I was gradually moving away from my childhood. It felt like moving away from him.”

Eloise paused and let out a heavy sigh. Her blue eyes, reflecting the candlelight, were tightly shut.

“Foolishly, it wasn’t until he proposed to my sister that I realized my feelings for him were love.”

“…”

“…My congratulations were all sincere. Even now, I wish for my sister’s happiness more than my own. But as the wedding approached, my feelings intensified, and it became painful. Sometimes I secretly wished it was all a lie, and he often appeared in my dreams. The guilt was overwhelming.”

Perhaps that’s why she desperately avoided Ansel whenever he visited. The couple, lost in thought, inadvertently glanced at their eldest daughter.

Sarah was silently staring at the burning candle.

“I went to the capital to sort out those feelings. I thought that after some time, when the noisy emotions had settled, I could get along well with my sister and the man who would be her husband.”

“…”

“I never intended to attend the wedding from the start. I couldn’t risk doing something strange and ruining the ceremony… I’m sorry for lying.”

“Dear, to think you went that far…”

Mr. Bailey couldn’t finish his sentence. Thinking about the suffering his young daughter had endured alone seemed to choke him up.

“I never dreamed Sir Ansel would come looking for me, and his words brought me no joy. When I found out he had broken off the marriage, I didn’t even want to see him. I just thought of my sister’s face. I was filled with nothing but sadness and guilt.”

Eloise’s chest rose and fell heavily, as if suppressing a sob.

“I’m still grateful that you didn’t blame me and embraced me… It must have been so hard…”

“…Elsie, then can’t you be happy like before?”

Mr. Bailey cautiously asked in place of Sarah, who remained silent.

“It’s not the first time we’ve faced trials. Now it’s all in the past, and the same will be true for this matter as well. Sarah is enduring it so steadfastly, isn’t she? So for your sister’s sake…”

“I can’t, Dad.”

Eloise shook her head weakly.

“A while ago, Archie told me about Sir Ansel. That day, for the first time… I found myself resenting not just the nobles, but my own family.”

She hung her head and finally burst into tears.

“If my sister weren’t here, I wouldn’t have had to reject him. I had such terrible thoughts…”