Chapter 12

After holding her for a long time, his body moved away. She didn’t dare open her eyes, but he was probably cleaning up. The heat that had filled her and the pleasure she’d felt for the first time slowly faded.

Still, her tears wouldn’t stop.

“…Kh…”

She covered her mouth unconsciously. She hated that the tears kept coming. Ryu-il’s cold voice sounded.

“I did what you wanted, didn’t I?”

She could hardly believe it herself. She was the one who’d begged him to sleep with her, ignored his order to leave, and pressed her lips to his. Yet now, crying so bitterly after it was all over, she was the worst.

“Why are you crying?”

His voice was incredulous. She barely opened her eyes, hurriedly wiping away tears. No matter how much she wiped, they kept coming. She realized he was probably getting annoyed. Shaking from pain, she struggled to her feet and grabbed her clothes. Ryu-il watched her silently as she dressed in the corner, head bowed.

“S-sorry…”

She rushed to the side of the room, dressed, and bowed her head.

“I’m really sorry… I’ll go now.”

“…You’re leaving.”

“Yes…”

Her head spun, her legs trembled, and she felt she might collapse, but she forced herself to stay alert. Finally, she managed to speak.

“I have first period tomorrow…”

At those words, Ryu-il looked at her incredulously, letting out a faint sigh. That was all. Hee-won limped out of Ryu-il’s room as if fleeing, unable to face him.

Even as she walked alone across the backyard in the middle of the night, her tears would not stop. Strangely, she recalled a time long ago when a classmate drunkenly talked about sleeping with a lover.

“It’s good. Really good. It hurts a bit at first… Before you do it, the soft excitement is nice. While you’re doing it, it feels like you become one, and after it’s all over, whispering love while holding each other is so wonderful… I think it’s the most intimate and beautiful thing lovers can do.”

There was no soft excitement, nor whispered love.

It was intimate, but not beautiful. She couldn’t be proud of it before anyone, and honestly, she was most ashamed before herself.

She had liked Ryu-il for a long time, so she could share her body with him. But because she had liked him so long, it was all the more miserable.

“…Khh…”

In the end, she shed tears with every step.

“Ryu-il-oppa! There’s so much clover here! Make me a bracelet.”

The pretty memories she had cherished with pride…

“Hello, Young Master.”

“Going to school?”

“Yes. I’ll be back.”

Her heart, carefully hidden within casual conversations…

Both of them, growing up together from afar in their own ways…

“Hello, Senior Executive Director.”

“How did you know I became Senior Executive Director?”

“Heard from my mom. Have a good day.”

The ordinary days when she secretly watched his back and sincerely wished him a good day…

“Give Hee-won an umbrella.”

Even if her heart was endlessly shabby, she wanted to be proud. She wanted to hide rather than become ugly. She wanted to give up rather than desperately want.

She had quietly protected those feelings in her own way.

Walking alone, legs aching after trembling *ntercourse with no warmth, was a lonely thing. Only then did she realize she cherished those quiet feelings more than she thought.

Was she so sad because she couldn’t protect them?

She couldn’t enter the modest room where her mother was, and instead hid in a corner of the backyard, crying silently for a long time.

* * *

“One time isn’t enough, they say.”

Her mother spoke quietly. That was enough. Hee-won didn’t answer, but her silence was agreement.

Surprisingly, her mother’s face was shining with hope for the first time in ages. Some nights she would cry, apologizing to Hee-won, then some afternoons she would hum at her vanity, carefully choosing makeup and clothes.

It was funny for Hee-won to say, but her mother seemed happy because of love. She glowed. The unique happiness that comes from loving and being loved always lingered around her mother. Not wanting to lose that happiness, her mother desperately pretended not to notice Hee-won withering away.

After that night, Hee-won lived her life as usual. She went to school, tutored, studied, and did experiments. She had to prepare for the national exam, so she had no free time. Ryu-il was busy too, with business trips and overtime, rarely coming to Ryu Gil-jae as before.

Only her heart was in turmoil, but on the surface, peaceful days passed. It was after a few days, when it was past 1 a.m., that her mother, hesitating and embarrassed, spoke.

“Young Master Ryu-il is here.”

It happened to be Friday. Hee-won was staring at her textbook, unable to focus, when she slowly looked at her mother.

“He’s a bit drunk. He asked for honey water, so I should take it to him…”

Her mother continued with trembling lips.

“…Will you go?”

Hee-won rose like a ghost. With no time, she skipped makeup and just threw on some clothes. She kept her distance from her mother and headed to Ryu Gil-jae, where her mother quietly handed her the honey water from the kitchen.

Carrying the honey water to Ryu-il’s room felt heavy. Every step was as hard as wading through a swamp.

Knocking and saying, “This is Jung Hee-won,” she wondered what Ryu-il’s expression would be.

The look in his eyes when they met occasionally in the past had been warm, but in his space, his gaze was cold. Even she could understand why he might despise her, and it hurt. But she couldn’t turn back and run, because her mother was waiting outside, holding her first hope in life.

Feeling as if she was standing at the edge of a cliff, she knocked.

“…Senior Executive Director, this is Jung Hee-won.”

“Come in.”

Her legs trembled as she entered with the honey water, already remembering their previous *ntercourse. Perhaps he was very drunk, as Ryu-il sat on the bed in only a bathrobe, arms crossed, leaning back.

“I brought honey water…”

Ryu-il slowly opened his eyes and looked at her. His gaze made it clear he knew exactly why she, not even an official servant, had come dressed like this. That penetrating look made her want to die all over again.

Ryu-il lazily accepted the honey water she handed him and drank it slowly. She tried not to stare at his throat as he swallowed, bowing her head. He placed the empty cup on the nightstand and smirked, looking amused.

“I finished, so get out now.”

“…”

“What, are you going to beg to sleep with me again?”

She kept her head down, certain his gaze held contempt, and she felt a surge of emotion. The worst part was that she couldn’t deny his words.

Unbearable silence filled the room like a dark cloud. One thing was clear: he did not have good feelings toward her because of this series of events. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be able to corner her in the most miserable way. The days of exchanging pleasant, trivial greetings from a distance felt impossibly far away.

“I won’t fire your mother.”

As she stared at the floor as if guilty, he rubbed his eyes tiredly.

“Is that enough?”

She moved her lips and finally answered.

“…I don’t think I did that well…”

“You know that, huh. You were really bad.”

She knew she’d just panted beneath him, not doing well, but she wondered if she’d been so bad as to be mocked by Ryu-il. Feeling a bit unfair, she pouted, and Ryu-il asked incredulously,

“Why that face?”

“…”

“Do I have to ask twice?”

“…Actually, I don’t think I was that bad. You seemed to like it, Senior Executive Director…”

She glanced at him, then quickly looked down again, somehow scared by his baffled expression.

She didn’t think further conversation would improve the mood. Their relationship was already a mess, and dragging in the past would only make things more miserable. Unable to do anything, hesitating, she wanted to move forward in some direction. So, approaching as if to kiss him, she spoke with a trembling heart.

“Please do it again with me, Senior Executive Director.”

She pushed the precious things she couldn’t protect back into the mud.

“That night, I really liked it.”

She couldn’t imagine what expression Ryu-il would make, but she pleaded desperately, uttering words of seduction.

“I kept thinking about it… I wanted to do it again with you, Senior Executive Director.”

It wasn’t a lie. She’d thought about their intense first *ntercourse constantly—even during class, commuting, tutoring, even sleeping.

She truly wanted to do it again. It was painful and sad, but the brief pleasure of being connected to him was certainly sweet. She liked the unfamiliar face Ryu-il made, unable to control himself above her. She knew all of it was steeped in deep darkness, but still.

“So… that’s why I came.”

But that part was a lie.

If her mother hadn’t pushed her, if there were no loan debts, she would have preferred to live as strangers with Ryu-il. She’d rather never see him again than beg so pathetically before him.

She’d always accepted their distance to avoid showing any weakness. Every moment like this was miserable.