Deep Boredom - Part 3

“Now it’s been about ten weeks.”

Upon hearing the doctor’s words, Rasha absentmindedly cradled her belly.

Ten weeks, a period of time where the meaning changes with contemplation. It felt like that was all there was to it, yet at the same time, she wondered if it had already been that long. Regardless of what had happened, her overwhelmingly negative emotions, like descending a steep slope, had been fully exposed to the baby. It filled her with a considerable sense of apology.

The doctor assured her that the danger had passed but advised her to be cautious and gave other recommendations before leaving. Until then, Rasha had been absentmindedly caressing her belly. It still felt empty as if nothing had entered it. According to the doctor, the belly would gradually expand starting around the fourth month.

“What should we do?”

While she was receiving her examination, Kaim, who had appeared seemingly out of nowhere to guard her, suddenly spoke up. Rasha looked up. Instead of making eye contact with her, Kaim gestured towards her hand resting on her belly.

“Are you going to keep it?”

Rasha’s hand, which had been gently caressing her belly, came to a sudden halt. Kaim, who had been standing throughout, took a seat on the chair previously occupied by the doctor and added:

“It’s the Duke’s child, after all.”

She was well aware of why Kaim was asking such a question. It had already been established that the child was illegitimate when Rasha was still with Chedev. Now that they had separated, the identity of the father had become uncertain.

“…Are you suggesting it would be better to erase it?”

“That’s my opinion. But what does it matter? Your opinion is the most important.”

Kaim silently watched Rasha, whose gaze seemed lost in thought.

More than a month and a half had already passed. In truth, Kaim had been wrestling with the idea of sending a letter to the Duke of Cecilion, hoping to find a solution and bring some light to the situation. This conflict had led to nightmares, even imagining Duke Cecilion storming in and threatening to kill him.

But something felt off.

The fact that this dilemma had dragged on for over a month seemed to indicate that Cecilion had yet to discover Rasha’s whereabouts. Was it really that ‘difficult’ for him? With the extensive resources of the powerful Duke family, it should not have taken this long.

Moreover, Kaim had heard that Cecilion had recently left for Tigris. It was said to be due to negotiations regarding trade agreements between the empire and Tigris. Considering the actions of someone who had lost their concubine and was frantically searching for her, it seemed excessively rational and reasonable.

Perhaps, as Rasha had suggested, they truly had mutually agreed to separate, and Chedev’s activities in the capital were for another purpose. In that case, if Kaim were to take the initiative and reveal Rasha’s whereabouts, it could stir up more trouble than it was worth. Due to such considerations, Kaim decided to temporarily set aside his intention to send a letter to the Duke.

And so, if both of them had truly turned their backs on each other after years of accumulated feelings, the next issue would be the baby growing in Rasha’s belly.

The baby was a significant variable. Rasha’s frail appearance made her health seem precarious, and there was also the question of how the child would turn out, considering the noble lineage. The worst-case scenario was having the baby taken away abruptly. Given the prevalence of cases where only the child was taken from such situations, there was no room for complacency.

Rasha pursed her lips for a long time before lifting her head.

“I’m going to have the baby.”

For a moment, her hesitation wasn’t about pondering the issue but rather imagining what kind of reaction Kaim would show. Since discovering her pregnancy, Rasha hadn’t even once thought about erasing this child.

Rasha moved her still hand and gently caressed her round belly. Even the handkerchief she had carefully brought along slipped from her grasp. Now, the only evidence of her connection to Chedev was this life. She knew well that such an attitude was no different from lingering attachments. She found herself pitiful for being like that.

But how could she control her emotions? Even after more than a month had passed, his absence felt chillingly real.

Whether waking from sleep and gazing at the refreshing scenery outside the window, seeing various colorful fruits, or even experiencing an upset stomach, and especially before falling asleep—since opening her eyes, thoughts of Chedev consumed her every moment. Like traces of his presence lingering as faint echoes on every corner of the time they had spent together.

“I’ve wanted to ask you for a while.”

Kaim unexpectedly broke the silence.

“If Duke Cecilion cared for you that much, wouldn’t he have wanted to take you as his wife? …Did he never propose?”

It wasn’t strange for a high-ranking nobleman to consider taking one concubine after another. Concubines had to understand their place, never knowing when they might be abandoned. Considering that, Chedev’s way of cherishing Rasha couldn’t be seen as treating her as a disposable concubine. The nobles knew better about the depth of his love through circulating rumors and firsthand observations.

And Rasha’s response gave weight to that thought. She knew she wasn’t a commoner, and she knew that Count Lippe’s family wasn’t as powerful as it used to be, yet she didn’t come here. It was clear that Chedev sincerely cherished her.

They were more like true lovers than master of a concubine and possessors of their affection. If they had cultivated their love so beautifully, wouldn’t they have dreamt of marriage?

“…We did, he proposed.”

As Rasha spoke, her complexion darkened, causing Kaim’s mouth to involuntarily shut.

Rasha delved into the distant past. The beginning of their engagement was trivial. It happened one day in the early dawn when they had rolled around with each other throughout the night, gradually revealing the dawn. It was a hazy, quiet, and therefore more secretive moment. Holding Rasha close with fervor, Chedev gently stroked her hair and whispered.

“I wish we could be like this for a lifetime.”

“…..”

“Would you like to be like this forever?”

“How so?”

“We could get married.”

“…..”

“Let’s get married, Rasha.”

It was like a gentle spring breeze, softly approaching and gently brushing against the heart, making it flutter. Rasha didn’t show it, but at that moment, she thought her heart would burst. She had also dreamt of ‘being together forever.’ After a moment of dizziness, she wordlessly kissed him. It was as good as accepting his proposal.

However, when her decision was exposed to the Duke and Duchess, things took an unexpected turn.

It was true that she suffered a great deal from the incident at that time. However, what concerned Rasha more than anything else was Chedev’s unfamiliar expression when he found her. He hastily ran into the bedroom, checked on her, and pulled her into his arms with an urgent gesture.

Relieved that she was safe, he absentmindedly brushed her hair and kissed her here and there. His face, aged ten years, revealed his anxiety.

At that moment, Rasha suddenly had a thought.

If we were to overcome opposition and marry, Chedev would have to experience these feelings so many times in the future. It seemed unlikely that such events would end with just one occurrence. Then he would suffer like this each time, exhausted… Would he be able to endure it? And what about me? What about us? Our relationship…

Did we have to get married? If I could simply be by his side like now, I didn’t need to marry. As long as his love surrounding me remained whole, that would be enough. At that time, Count Lippe hadn’t passed away yet, so she didn’t have any other choice.

As if sensing her thoughts, Chedev’s frequency of mentioning marriage gradually decreased until he ultimately stopped bringing it up. At that time, she thought everything would be fine. She believed that there was nothing wrong with the love they had nurtured over time.

She never expected that a crisis called boredom would come…

Kaim, sitting beside her, suddenly gasped.

“Oh, no. That’s not it.”

“…”

“If it was such a sensitive question that made you want to cry, I apologize.”

Only then did Rasha realize that her eyes were moist. Kaim was fidgeting as if seeing a crying woman for the first time, but quickly took out a handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to her. As Rasha took it and wiped away her tears hastily, Kaim scratched his head and cleared his throat.

“Well, then, consider registration.”

“Registration?”

“Sure, under these circumstances, wouldn’t it be better for you to inherit the title of Lippe? Raising a child as a commoner is no easy task.”

It was an unexpected proposal for Rasha. As evidence, her eyes widened with surprise.

“I thought you didn’t think highly of me.”

From the first day, she vividly remembered his behavior, which was tumultuous even when her pregnancy was revealed. It wasn’t difficult for Kaim to guess what she was alluding to, so he coughed awkwardly again.

“That’s because I’m afraid the Duke of Cecilion will come barging in and cause a commotion.”

“…..”

“More than that, whenever I see you, I’m reminded of our late mother.”

As Kaim touched his chin, his face took on a melancholy expression.

“I wasn’t a good son to my mother. It feels like treating you as my sister would be a way to fulfill my unfulfilled filial duty…”

Whether it was because of what she said or for some other reason, he quickly threw the words at her and hurriedly left the bedroom.

Left alone, Rasha followed his footsteps and found herself smiling faintly. Her half-brother, whom she initially thought was somewhat cold and indifferent, turned out to be a person with a lot of affection. In fact, he was more like someone who barely hid his true feelings. Although it had only been a month since they had been together, she could see it clearly.

“Entering… the household…”

The word he casually mentioned lingered confusingly in her mind.

If she had thought about this dilemma before, when he was proposing marriage, it might have been better. If Rasha had been officially accepted into the Lippe family, the marriage with Chedev would have been easier. But at that time, Count Lippe was still alive, so it was an unpredictable situation.

No, even if Count Lippe had been in a precarious state, Rasha might not have come forward so willingly.

Observing the actions of the nobility and the lengths they would go to for their own gain, as seen through Chedev’s parents, Rasha didn’t want to willingly throw herself into the danger of possibly pursuing the title of the Lippe family and ending up permanently separated from Chedev. In any case, she didn’t want to create an opportunity for their separation.

In the midst of the complicated environment, Rasha’s longing was simple and straightforward.

To receive Chedev’s love and be by his side. If she had just that, she didn’t mind losing everything. But in the end, seeing that the end was separation, she couldn’t help but feel that their relationship had been destined to be like this from the beginning. The love she had dedicated blindly and unconditionally had now been discarded like a tomb, and this moment was more bitter than anything.

Now that she was faced with the farewell, entering the household might have been better for her circumstances. No, it wasn’t just there, it was definitely the way to a more prosperous life. Now she wasn’t alone, and it was an invaluable proposal for her, who had to take full responsibility for a life.

However, she couldn’t shake off the feeling of stepping back into his world after finally distancing herself from him. Life would undoubtedly improve, but there might be occasions when she would encounter Chedev again.

She wondered why she should avoid him, but at the same time… she couldn’t bear the thought of seeing Chedev with another woman after marriage. She hadn’t even wanted to hear that news, and that’s why she had considered leaving this land.

Rasha forcefully pushed away her mixed thoughts and clutched her belly.

For now…

For now, she wanted to focus on finding stability for her baby.