Until Certainty Comes
Chedran set down the reports he’d been reviewing when Marden entered the office after knocking.
“What is it?”
After hesitating briefly, he spoke awkwardly.
“Do you know about Her Grace the Grand Duchess’s sword?”
“Sword? I saw it a few times when she sparred with Potsa Hatemot.”
“Did you know there’s an inscription on it?”
“I saw something written there.”
He seemed completely unaware of the content. Perhaps he’d been too distracted during their sparring to look properly.
Marden relayed what he’d heard from Potsa.
Rather than finding the inscription itself impressive, Chedran nodded, seeming to understand what it might mean to Naella.
“I see. She must treasure that sword quite a bit.”
“All who wield swords treasure their own.”
“But why bring up the sword?”
“Her Grace the Grand Duchess sent that sword to Sir Esto Siron.”
Chedran set down his pen and propped his chin on his desk.
Had she struggled more than he’d thought? He recalled her face, which had seemed rather composed. He didn’t express emotions much either, so he hadn’t noticed properly.
He should have asked, even a little, what she’d been thinking and feeling.
Regret crept in belatedly.
“With such meaning behind the sword…… it makes sense she’d send it.”
“To knights, a sword is like one’s alter ego. Her Grace the Grand Duchess’s sword had special meaning, so she must have treasured it even more.”
“I suppose so. They must have been very close friends. She must have been close to Marquis Siron too. Should we send something in Nohesca’s name as well?”
“That would be good. However…… I’m worried.”
“About what?”
“Her heart must be quite troubled, yet she seems too much like her usual self.”
Whether from worry about Naella or something else, Marden bowed his head with a gloomy expression.
Chedran watched quietly, thinking he understood the reason.
He’d left Marden alone all this time because he’d thought the man would eventually reclaim himself as a knight. He’d believed time would solve things as Marden agonized and spent some days thoughtlessly.
Because Marden was his knight.
But seeing Marden’s serious face made him wonder if he should have guided him. At the same time, this struggle seemed like part of the process of finding himself as a knight, which made him cautious.
“Both Your Grace and Her Grace the Grand Duchess seem accustomed to death.”
Hearing that, Chedran felt he should offer some advice after all.
“No one becomes accustomed to it. You say that knowing the Grand Duchess has nightmares.”
“Still…… you both endure, don’t you?”
“Do you think people who endure can do so because their pain is bearable?”
“I just…… feel like I’m very weak. Honestly, I find working as sa butler enjoyable and fulfilling. I wonder if the position of butler suits me better.”
Chedran realized Marden’s troubles ran deeper than he’d thought.
He wasn’t much of a talker by nature, so such conversations were difficult. In times like this, Naella would have been better at listening to his troubles, and he felt regretful.
Then his mind snapped alert. To think of entrusting his own knight to someone else. The old him would never have imagined such a thing.
“Marden.”
“Yes.”
“Marden Grindelaum.”
“Yes……”
“Do you remember when you first picked up a sword?”
“……”
“Do you remember why you wanted to become a knight?”
“……”
“If you truly wish to remain a butler, I won’t stop you. Head Butler Marden or Knight Marden—having you by my side wouldn’t be so different.”
“……”
“But do what you can be proud of. If you’re not ashamed that you as a knight became a butler, then choose to remain a butler.”
“That’s……”
“Also, don’t be ashamed of your weak heart and put down your sword. But then you mustn’t regret being unable to protect anyone anymore.”
Marden listened silently without a word. His eyes wavered at the words to put down his sword, catching in Chedran’s vision. Chedran pretended not to notice and continued.
“Do you know why most knights only put down their swords when they develop physical disabilities or grow old and lose their strength?”
“I don’t know……”
“No, you do know. You too loved the sword. They can’t let go, so they don’t. They’ve only walked that path, so they can only walk that path. But if another path has opened for you, I’ll support your decision.”
After pondering, Marden asked back.
“Would it be all right if I gave up being a knight?”
“Of course I’d hate it. Why should I lose a knight I value?”
“Then shouldn’t you stop me?”
“If you don’t properly overcome the troubles you have now, even if you pick up the sword again, this will just repeat.”
“Have you ever had such troubles, Your Grace?”
“I have. And I overcame them.”
“How?”
“I didn’t pick up the sword by choice, but I loved it. Like you when you were a knight.”
“I……”
Marden couldn’t hide the confusion mixed with his fear.
“What did you think watching the Grand Duchess wield her sword? Did she just look strong? You must have envied her confidence and pride as a knight. Like all who wield swords, didn’t you want both to surpass her and follow her?”
Chedran felt a bit tired, having talked more than usual.
“You’ll have to give up. You’ll never again roam battlefields with me or have even one sparring match with the Grand Duchess you like so much. All things you could do if you were a knight.”
The position of butler was the same. There were things Marden could do and had accomplished as a butler.
“Choose what you can’t give up more—butler or knight.”
That was all he could say. Even if Marden chose to be a butler after this, Chedran planned to silently support his choice.
Though he hoped more for his return as a knight.
“I’ll…… think about it more.”
“You don’t need to decide right now anyway. Think it through.”
Chedran watched quietly as Marden nodded and left the office. His expression remained serious to the end, suggesting deep contemplation.
“Phew……”
Wielding a sword suited his constitution better than persuading and comforting someone. Delicate people like Marden were especially difficult. Naella, who was both eloquent and skilled with a sword, was unusual.
Or did she have some special secret?
Her abilities suddenly felt remarkable. He thought he understood why Naella had monitored Chedran for so long.
Because he was growing curious about how she’d lived until now.
He was large and had practically lived on battlefields. Being stronger and better with a sword was natural in a way.
But for her, small and weak, to wield a sword that well was unusual.
The more Chedran thought about it, the more remarkable it seemed. She must have swung her sword harder than anyone at Mahoserdyi, so she’d want to keep training to maintain her edge, yet Naella showed no such signs.
Loving the sword was a kind of addiction. Whether anxiety or excitement, once you grasped a sword, letting go wasn’t easy.
Yet Naella was always confident and full of self-assurance. Since coming to Nohesca, she hadn’t particularly devoted herself to training or carried a sword around.
Or was she training without his knowledge?
Chedran didn’t pick up the report he’d set down, instead following the curiosity that had suddenly found him.
At dinner, Naella casually raised her head. Chedran, who’d been watching her, quickly lowered his gaze and resumed eating.
She realized this had been happening frequently lately, but since he didn’t speak first, Naella continued her meal too.
The next day while strolling the garden and having tea time, it was the same. She’d sense a gaze and look up, only for it to disappear leaving just a small trace.
A glimpse of a shoe heel, or a large frame not quite hidden.
Such situations continued for several days.
Drinking tea in her room, Naella finally grew concerned about her husband’s mental state.
She hadn’t particularly cared until now, but wondered if something had gone wrong at the residence. Not just Chedran playing this ridiculous hide-and-seek, but hadn’t Marden been going around with a gloomy face lately too? Could there be a problem between the two of them?
In any case, one thing was certain.
“Chedran seems to be monitoring me.”
Jenny, who’d been knitting across from her, looked up in surprise.
“Something did seem strange, but I didn’t think it was monitoring.”
“Marden’s strange too.”
“I know why the head butler is like that.”
“Why?”
“Last time I overheard him talking to Gian, who was annoyed, and he was agonizing over whether to return as a knight or continue as a butler.”
“Mm, that’s an important dilemma. But what about Chedran?”
“I don’t know about His Grace. Why is he really doing that?”
Naella tapped her teacup. Then Priya, who’d returned to duty after a while and stood nearby, spoke hesitantly.
“Could it be…… he likes you?”
“Hide-and-seek? Or monitoring?”
“His Grace likes you, Lady Naella.”
Naella’s face colored with surprise, genuinely not having considered it.
“If you like someone, you monitor them?”
“Maybe because he likes you, he wants to keep watching you? But he’s embarrassed, so he monitors instead……”
“I really didn’t know. Chedran likes me?”
Thinking about it, the claim had quite a bit of merit.
Objectively speaking, she was beautiful and skilled with a sword. Falling for someone skilled with a sword was natural, and moreover, she was a genius. It was a claim with plenty of possibility.
“I was unaware of something so obvious.”
As the conversation flowed in an increasingly strange direction, Jenny stopped knitting. Forgetting that Priya wasn’t exactly normal either, Jenny hastily stopped Naella.
“It might not be that. He might just be curious.”
“But theoretically it’s sound. First, aren’t I objectively beautiful?”
“Well, that’s true, but……”
“And I was called a genius beyond just being skilled with a sword. Isn’t that enough of an attractive quality for war-mad Chedran?”
“That’s, that’s also true……”
“I’ve accomplished household affairs perfectly since coming here. Caught spies and strengthened the residence’s interior.”
“Mmm……”
The more Naella ticked off points, the quieter Jenny’s voice became. Something was definitely off, yet the elements were convincing enough to be off.
“I even debuted perfectly in high society, didn’t I? Rumors about me must be rampant in society now.”
“That’s right……”
“High society was an area Chedran couldn’t touch. Why wouldn’t Chedran like me when I’ve done that well too?”
