To Sio Lieselotte, who is about to become a father,

Surprised? Calling someone a father when he isn’t even married. But a godfather is still a father, so it isn’t entirely wrong. You promised that when a third child was born, you would be the child’s godfather [1] . Though I’m sure you made that promise believing there would never be a third.

You’ve probably already guessed it, but I’m expecting a third child. I’d been feeling tired and run-down lately, so I went to the doctor, and it turns out I’m pregnant. I was so shocked when I heard. Given the age, pregnancy was the last thing on my mind. Oh, I mean Astaire’s age, of course. I’m still thirty.

Anyway, the baby should arrive around next summer. Astaire was right there when the doctor told us, and he was so overjoyed I nearly died laughing. He doesn’t seem to remember how he acted when I was expecting our second. You remember, don’t you, Sio? How furious Astaire was when I was carrying Rene [2]. When he found out I was pregnant with Rene, he didn’t speak to me for days.

Of course, I know it was all out of concern for me. I had such a hard time giving birth to our first, Alex [3]. The labor went on for over ten hours, and I genuinely thought I was going to die. Watching me half-dead like that, Astaire went white as a sheet and declared that this would be the last child. I’m only saying this now, but Astaire gripped my hand and sobbed like a child, saying he thought I was going to die. He asked me to keep it a secret from everyone else, but since he’s already forgotten all of that and is busy being delighted, I’m telling you and you alone. Please make good use of it the next time you want to tease him.

Astaire is quietly hoping this one will be a girl again. I suppose fathers really do have a soft spot for daughters. The fact that he already favors Rene over Alex says it all. When I ask him why, he says it’s because Alex took his time coming out and put me through so much, while Rene came quickly and made things easy on me. Do I look like a fool to him? That I’d fall for that. Astaire just loves his daughter. One look at his eyes whenever he gazes at Rene and you can tell.

What am I to do with this hopeless girl-dad? Even now he’s sitting beside me rattling off names for the third child, and every single one is a girl’s name. When I asked what he’d do if the third turned out to be a boy, he said that couldn’t possibly happen. His gut tells him the third is definitely a girl. I told him that wasn’t a gut feeling, that was wishful thinking, and he just wrapped his arms around me and started mumbling to change the subject.

Strangely enough, I have a feeling the baby is a boy. The feeling is so similar to when I was carrying Alex. People say girls are calm and boys are lively, but Alex and Rene were the complete opposite. Alex was quiet even in the womb, and Rene startled me with kicks several times a day. This baby is just as calm as Alex was. How quiet must a baby be for me not to even realize I was pregnant? Not that any of this stops Astaire from reciting girl’s names.

On that note, how about you choose the baby’s name, Sio? It would be such a shame if a handsome son were born and his girl-obsessed father hadn’t prepared a single name for him. All the names Astaire has come up with are for a girl, so think of a boy’s name for us. You’re a composer who creates wonderful music, so I trust you have a talent for this sort of thing too.

Come to think of it, so much time has passed. I never imagined a day would come when I’d be thinking up a child’s name together with you. It may sound silly, but I always thought I would stay a child forever. I believed that without some special effort, I could never truly grow up. What foolish thoughts those were. All I had to do was let time carry me along. I don’t know what made me so restless and anxious back then. If there was always a place where I was meant to stop, I could have walked a little more slowly to get there.

I don’t mean that I regret the life I have now. I’m so happy with Astaire, and I’ve never dreamed of a better life than this. But every now and then, the past comes back to me. Music heard by chance while walking down the street, old fairy tales children whisper to each other, a lonely road my feet wandered down without thinking. Each time I come face to face with old memories that surface unexpectedly in places like those, a strange feeling comes over me. It’s probably the wistfulness that the past inevitably carries. Everyone has nostalgia for their memories. [5]

Of course, there isn’t much time to sit and indulge in nostalgia. Any parent raising young children would understand. Children this age have so many questions and so many things they want to do that they don’t give you a moment’s rest. Watching them orbit around me all day long, I often wonder just how much energy is packed into those small bodies.

Rene’s energy, in particular, is something else. Not long ago, she climbed a tree trying to catch a squirrel and fell out of it, breaking her arm. Alex, who had been hovering anxiously at the base of the tree out of worry for his little sister, got caught up in it too and ended up with a bruise on his face. Even Astaire, who normally takes Rene’s side no matter what, turned into a frightening father that day and scolded her. But the moment Rene burst into tears at the sight of this unfamiliar side of him, his resolve crumbled and he ended up pulling her into a hug.

Astaire says Rene takes after me. Like mother, like daughter, apparently. Headstrong, and once she sets her mind on something, she charges straight ahead. He says he’s already worried about the day she grows up and falls for some boy, because she’ll give him everything she has. So I told him: if Rene really does take after me, she’ll have excellent taste in men, so he needn’t worry. She’ll meet someone wonderful and kind, just like Astaire, and live happily. And then Astaire. (There are traces of something written and crossed out with a dark line.) Never mind. I don’t think I can put the rest in a letter. Let’s just say, well, that was probably the night the third one was conceived.

Anyway, I worry more about Alex than Rene. Rene knows her own mind and looks after herself, but Alex is such a calm, gentle child that he always gives way to his little sister. In that way he takes after Astaire. A kind heart isn’t a bad thing, but the world tends to look down on people like that and try to take advantage of them, and that worries me. He’s a remarkably bright child, so I do trust he’ll handle whatever comes his way, but a parent’s eyes find something to worry about in everything.

Becoming someone’s mother is a truly astonishing thing. Up until now I could live thinking only of myself without any trouble, but since becoming a mother, I’ve grown careful about even the smallest things I do. Children are more observant than we give them credit for, and they pick up on things, good and bad, with startling speed.

I felt that not long ago, watching the children immediately copy me as I teased Astaire by calling him an old man. I finally understand what the elders used to say about not even drinking cold water carelessly in front of children. I think it’s time I set aside my mischievous streak and become a somewhat more proper mother.

It’s remarkable and heartwarming to see the children growing to resemble me, just as I came to resemble Astaire without even realizing it. My thoughts, my actions, my way of speaking. Watching them take on all of it, I make a resolution to be a better person. I think I only truly became an adult after having children and becoming a mother.

I imagine Astaire feels the same way. I can tell from the way he sometimes gazes at the children in silence, lost in thought. Now that you’ll have a godchild too, Sio, you’ll be able to feel something like that. It would be even better if you got married and became a real father, but given that you’re still living like a wanderer, that seems unlikely anytime soon, so experience that feeling through your godchild at least. Who knows? It might just make you want to get married for real.

Oh, I received the postcard you sent last month. The scenery in it was absolutely stunning. I think I understand now why people travel to Kasinov [6] for a holiday. Someday I’d like to lie on a sun-drenched beach and sunbathe, just like you. I know you went there for work, [7] but surely you can find a moment to lie on the sand and enjoy the sunshine? If you can’t find the time, make time and go to the beach. You might find some inspiration for your music.

The gift you sent along with the postcard arrived safely too. Contrary to your worries, it seems the shop clerk understood you well enough. The clothing sizes were exactly right. Rene’s outfit is a little large, but children grow so fast it’ll fit her soon enough. How did you manage to go shopping in Kasinov when you don’t speak the language? I was under the impression you only hired the interpreter for lecture hours.

Alex and Rene are absolutely delighted with the gifts you sent. Just the other day when we went out, they threw a fit insisting on wearing the clothes you sent, and it was quite the ordeal. As you know, it’s still winter here, and the traditional Kasinov clothing you sent is something you’d wear in the height of summer, so I couldn’t dress them in it. I managed to calm them down by suggesting that since it was a gift from you, the first time they wear it should be the day you return to the capital. They accepted that, thankfully, but I’m just hoping they’ll have completely forgotten about this promise by the time you come back. Or alternatively, you could time your return to coincide with summer.

So much happened on that outing as well. I’d love to write all of it down, but the children are pestering me to play the piano. I can’t imagine why they love listening so much when they have absolutely no talent for playing it themselves. Anyway, I think it’s time I put down my pen. I’ll have Astaire write to you about the rest. I pray you stay well until we meet again.

Wishing she could be your affectionate little sister,

From Danyu.

P.S. I’m enclosing a drawing Alex and Rene made recently. [8] They say it’s their way of thanking you for the gift, and I believe it’s meant to be a portrait of you. It’s admittedly difficult to make out the shape of anything, but that’s children’s drawings for you. Still, they got the hair color and eye color right. The eyes even sort of resemble yours. Since it’s a gift from the children, how about pinning it above your bed as a keepsake? That’s always what I do when the children draw something for me. And when you see them next, whatever you do, praise the drawing when they ask what you thought of it. Growing little dreamers need encouragement.

One final P.S. Has Astaire mentioned anything in his letters to you about a young and pretty female student? The student who recently came to him is a well-known soprano from the capital. [9] I’ve heard she’s so beautiful that any man would fall for her at first sight, and as much as it galls me, even I have to admit she’s genuinely lovely as a woman. I mean, couldn’t she just stick to singing? Why does she suddenly have to learn the piano? Every time Astaire goes to teach her, he’s beside himself with excitement. Absolutely grinning from ear to ear. They say men talk about women all the time among themselves, so if Astaire ever mentions her, you have to tell me.

* * *

Endnotes

[1] The child’s godfather │ Sio Lieselotte did in fact become the godfather of the third child born to Danyu Astrid and Astaire Astrid. Having grown up in an orphanage and never married, Sio Lieselotte had no family of his own, and he is said to have cherished his godson like a son. Despite his extreme aversion to public engagements, he attended the child’s baptism and remained throughout the ceremony, and he composed a violin piece in commemoration of the day, which he dedicated to the child. This dedication piece later played a significant role in inspiring his godson to become a violinist.

[2] Rene Astrid │ The only daughter among the children born to Danyu Astrid and Astaire Astrid. As the letter above shows, she was also the child Astaire lavished with particular affection. From an early age she was said to be quick with numbers and to know how to win people’s goodwill. The two parents valued this highly and passed the family business on to Rene in place of their two sons. Rene later used that foundation to become the founder of Delatan, the trading company that came to represent Seydel, and her exceptional economic acumen earned her the position of Minister of Commerce, making her the first female minister in Seydel’s history.

[3] Alex │ Alex Astrid. The eldest son of Danyu Astrid and Astaire Astrid. A scholar who devoted his life to the study of music history. In his early years he took a deep interest in the life of Seydel Keller and produced numerous works on the subject, but after the deaths of his parents and Sio Lieselotte, he continued his research to bring their musical world to wider attention. His biography of Sio Lieselotte in particular is still regarded as the most faithful portrait of Sio Lieselotte’s life ever written.

[4] The third child’s name │ As Danyu Astrid had predicted, the child born was a boy. Sio Lieselotte gladly offered the name he had in mind as a gift. The name was Espen, meaning “gift of God” in the ancient Seydel language, now a dead tongue.

[5] Nostalgia for memories │ Sio drew inspiration from this passage and composed the piano sonata “Nostalgia.” It stands out as the most poignant of his late sonatas. The premiere was held at Brigitte Hall in the capital, with Astaire Astrid performing. Sio had originally intended to ask Danyu, who inspired the piece, to give the premiere performance, but he changed his mind after Astaire happened to stop by the studio and Sio heard him play Nostalgia. In an interview with a newspaper, Sio remarked that “the Nostalgia at Brigitte Hall was the most satisfying premiere of my life,” and Astaire also named Nostalgia as his favorite sonata.

[6] Kasinov │ Now the Kasiden region. Situated where the borders of three countries meet, it uses a distinctive language that blends elements of several tongues. In that era it was renowned as a resort destination, but it has since been overtaken by desertification and lies in ruins.

[7] Going there for work │ During this period, Sio Lieselotte was teaching composition to students as a visiting professor at Kasinov University, now Kasiden University. Due to the language barrier, an interpreter was always present in the classroom. A portion of the lecture notes taken by the interpreter who assisted him at the time survives at the Lieselotte Memorial Hall.

[8] The drawing by Alex and Rene │ Currently on display at the Lieselotte Memorial Hall.

[9] The well-known soprano from the capital │ The soprano Luna Rosiel. A vocalist more often spoken of for her striking beauty than her talent. She became widely known for her rumored romances with prominent musicians including Joel Winkler and Niklas Stein. Just as a womanizing man is commonly called a Casanova, a woman with a colorful history with men came to be called a Luna, a term said to derive from Luna Rosiel’s name.