She felt as though there was no longer any reason to live. Until she met Princess Sukon, everything had felt unreal. But now, she could no longer deny that her mother had died. The princess never lied. If she said her mother was gone, then it must be true.

Just as Yeon was about to step into the well and swallow her sobs, a tiny, rough hand pulled her back. Startled, she looked down.

It was the Emperor. He was barely over a year old — how had he come all the way here? Had Princess Sukon brought him? Yeon quickly looked behind the child, but there was no one there.

“Your Majesty…”

“Don’t go! Don’t go!”

His pronunciation was surprisingly clear. His flushed little face was as cold and stiff as the well itself. Yeon looked down at the child, tears and snot running freely down his face.

What would happen to him if she died? He was astute, not only because he was the emperor, but also because he seemed innately perceptive and intelligent. Despite his young age, he understood that his mother had died and was rejecting Yuwon’s care because of this. His sensitivity matched his keen intelligence.

He would surely realise right away if she died, too.

Yeon cried silently, holding her breath.

If she died, this child would grieve just as deeply as he had when his mother left. He had already begun to act as though she were his entire world. His trembling eyelids quivered. Could she carry on living for this child? Could she sacrifice everything for him?

He was a child who knew only her. His mother had died alongside his father. Yeon thought of the young emperor, wailing as though he had been abandoned.

Even when his parents were alive, he had never known true comfort. Since losing his fragile mother, he had remained in that state. This was why Yeon could not step into the well again.

It wasn’t out of a sense of duty. She simply couldn’t shake off the hand clinging to her. She knew how pitiful and small it was.

She couldn’t take her own life in front of someone so young and helpless.

“Huuu… huuuhuhuu…”

In the end, Yeon stepped away from the well and sank to her knees on the ground. The child embraced her. The young emperor burrowed into her arms like a tiny kingfisher.

Yeon held the child tightly. Warm and delicate… The child, who would remember nothing of this moment once it passed, was both pitiful and precious.

And so, Yeon lived on. She suppressed the desire to die and returned to the Emperor’s side. From that point on, he became her entire world. The Emperor—no, Ryu—filled her life completely.

It had happened one winter.

***

“Yeon.”

Ryu’s low voice echoed in her ears. The quiet rustle of the blanket followed. Yeon held her breath. Sometimes, lying beside Ryu made it difficult for her to breathe. There were nights when even steady breathing felt impossible; nights when she had to curl up in a ball just to endure it.

“Do you despise the thought of bearing my child that much?”

His voice had deepened, no longer sounding boyish. Yeon blinked at the change. Ryu believed that once she was pregnant with his child, she would see him as a man, not a boy.

Yeon wasn’t so sure. If they had a child one day, would Ryu stop being the “motherless boy” and simply become a “man”?

They had been together for a long time. Even now, as then, Yeon had no room of her own and continued to stay in Yanmyeong. Ryu’s sleeping quarters were the only place she felt she belonged.

Although Ryu had made her this way, Yeon still felt that the hand holding hers was the same small, childlike one as before. So, even if this faint presence — this child — suddenly cried with a flushed face…

“Answer me.”

“Why would you ask something like that?”

Lying under the blanket, Yeon parted her lips with difficulty. Every time Ryu asked her that question, her mind went blank. Did she hate the idea of having his child that much? The answer that rose to her throat was, ‘Of course I do. How could I not?’

It was that answer, and her loathing of it, that had once reduced Yeon to tears in front of Princess Sukon. The thought of getting into Ryu’s bed n*ked was unbearable. After all, Ryu was her son — the child who had lost his mother, and to whom she had devoted her entire life.

How could he possibly see her as a woman?

He was surrounded by court ladies as beautiful as fairies. His fiancée, Suin, was also a grown woman. So why…?

“Yeon.”

“You should sleep now. Today’s the day you returned from your studies…”

Yeon swallowed her grief and parted her lips. Today was the day Ryu was returning from his studies. The moment her pregnancy was confirmed, he had taken her back to the imperial palace. Since the study hall of the Western Kingdom was in Hwanju, it wasn’t far. Yeon climbed into the palanquin in a daze.

Suddenly, she remembered what had happened earlier that day. When she had hesitated to get in, Ryu had pushed her in himself. Yeon pressed her lips tightly together.

How much time had passed since then? She ran her hand over her lower belly, which felt heavier than usual. Since finding out that Ryu’s child was growing inside her, she hadn’t been able to shake the strange, tense sensation gripping her lower abdomen. Yeon tried not to think about it as she returned to the palace.

“The wedding date has been set.”

The murmured words came unexpectedly. Yeon swallowed dryly and glanced at him. After a long silence, Ryu stood up. Yeon followed, rising to her feet, and looked him straight in the eye.

“More than that, I want to confer your title first.”

“I don’t mind staying like this.”

“I hate that you’re not mine!”

Ryu gripped her shoulders tightly. Yeon bit down on her lower lip.

Ryu looked like he was about to lose control again. If she pushed back any further, he would probably lash out and try to force her legs apart. She didn’t need to see it to know what would happen — it was always the same. That was how Ryu expressed his anger. Yeon remembered countless nights spent writhing in that familiar embrace.

When he looked at her, there wasn’t the slightest hint of discomfort in his gaze. He would just stare at her quietly. Only Yeon felt flustered and tormented under that persistent gaze.

“Look at me.”

With her gaze cast downward, she pressed down the overwhelming feeling rising inside. Ryu didn’t lift her chin, but he commanded her. Yeon didn’t obey.

When had he decided the wedding date? He had made it sound like he wasn’t in a rush—had he been secretly counting the days until he took Suin as his bride? It didn’t matter anymore.

What mattered to Yeon was that she wanted to leave the palace before the wedding. She was afraid of living as Ryu’s concubine.

“Have you ever considered that you might be too cruel to me?”

Yeon didn’t want to become his concubine. This was why she had refused the official title. Although her status was low, many people thought it inappropriate for a woman who had not been formally elevated to live in Yanmyeong and receive such constant affection from the emperor.

The Empress Dowager felt the same way. Although she disapproved of her grandson’s excessive favouritism, she believed it was beneath her to complain or try to change his mind, as he showed no sign of backing down on anything related to Yeon.

Yeon wasn’t an ambitious woman trying to rise above her station. In fact, it was she who had always asked to leave the palace. Therefore, the problem did not lie with her.

“Cruel? Do you think I’m cruel to you?”

“Do you remember the winter I first entered the palace, Your Majesty?”

Yeon thought back to when she was nine. That winter had always been unforgettable for her. It wasn’t as if the bitter wind had left a physical wound on her tender cartilage. She hadn’t spent all that long kneeling before the well, either. And yet, every winter, the area below her knees ached in the cold.

She missed the little boy she had once held so tightly. She still couldn’t believe that same child now saw her as a woman.

“There are countless days Your Majesty forgets that I can never forget.”

Yeon gave a faint smile. Suddenly, she was gripped by a sharp, stinging pain, as if she had been pricked by a thorn. Even now, she wanted to run away. If she could have one wish, it would be to leave the palace and live life as an ordinary woman.

That would have been the right choice for her and Ryu. She had this desire even on the night she first slept with him as a woman.

The Grand Empress Dowager had told her to think of it as nothing more than her duty.

“There’s barely an eight-year difference between you. You’re more mature than His Majesty, and you must always serve him with sincerity. So do not refuse him.”

The older woman’s solemn voice still echoed in her ears. When even the Grand Empress Dowager, whom she had believed would protect her, pushed her into Ryu’s bed, it felt numbing and cold, like being hit on the back of the head.

Even Princess Sukon, who had once tried to speak up for Yeon and persuade Ryu, had eventually surrendered, raising both hands in defeat. In such a situation, there was little Yeon could do.

“I don’t understand why Your Majesty chooses to disappoint me like this.”

Yeon trembled with sorrow and resentment. Her eyebrows furrowed, her nose stung, and tears threatened to escape her eyes. She clenched her fists and began to breathe heavily.

Ryu, who had been watching her silently, suddenly cupped her cheek.

“As far back as I can remember, you’ve always been a woman to me.”