Yeon stood there, frozen to the spot. She had never seen Ryu so angry before. He had never shouted at her like this before. He had always held back, afraid of startling her because, to him, she was incredibly precious. Even when he threw inkstones at eunuchs or reprimanded his ministers, she had always been the exception.

Her eyelids grew heavy and her lashes trembled faintly. Yeon suddenly recalled the Empress Dowager’s stern warning that she must never tell the Emperor about the abortion. It had been more of a threat than a warning, and frightened, Yeon had nodded in silence.

“Your Majesty… I-I truly…”

“How dare you defy your Emperor?”

Yeon looked at him, stricken, her expression crumbling. The man holding her now was cold, like a blade. He didn’t feel like the Ryu she had known. The boy who used to bring her white cotton candy and summer plums was never this bitter or cruel.

“How could you say something like that?”

“Consort Suk.”

“Why are you doing this?”

Tears streamed down her cheeks. It was all in the past. She no longer wanted to relive it. Back then, nothing ever went her way. Shortly after becoming a lady-in-waiting in Ryu’s bedchamber, she had become pregnant. Although Ryu had never used protection, Yeon had been forced to take contraceptives on the orders of the Empress Dowager.

It wasn’t customary for an emperor to handle such matters himself, and Ryu hadn’t seemed to give contraception a single thought. From the beginning, he had clearly hoped she would conceive.

“It’s over. All of it. Now it’s…”

Yeon bit her lip and clutched at his chest. She was ready to beg him to forget about it and act as if it had never happened. The child had been buried in her heart. Even its father didn’t know. The only thing she could do for the child now was light a small candle in a corner of the room.

“So please, stop this.”

“Why should I?”

“Your Majesty…”

“Why should I pretend I don’t know?”

“Please…”

Ryu looked at her in disbelief. As she looked into his increasingly contorted eyes, Yeon buried her face in his chest. Ryu tried to pull her away, seemingly wanting her to look him in the face. But she shook her head; she didn’t want to meet his gaze. Seeing his face reminded her of the child she had buried deep in her heart.

She had always imagined that the child would resemble Ryu, whether a daughter or a son. Before the abortion, she wanted nothing more than to end the pregnancy quickly because she was terrified of the Empress Dowager’s wrath and just wanted to get rid of the child. But afterwards, all she could do was cry.

It was foolish and pathetic. She had never once considered protecting the child, and yet…

“Your Majesty, I—I was wrong. Please…”

She wrapped her arms around his neck. Begging was easy. It was far easier than hearing him speak of the lost child. Unable to bear the pain, Yeon burst into tears.

Ryu pulled her away forcefully, grabbed her face in his hands, and asked,

“Do you feel guilty for killing my child?”

“I…”

“Why didn’t you ask me to protect you? Why did you kill my child like that?”

He had only recently heard the news about Yeon’s abortion.

After the physicians at the Western Duke’s manor confirmed her pregnancy, the royal physician asked to speak to him privately.

He requested a private word with him. There was something urgent he needed to tell him.

He examined Yeon during her first pregnancy at the request of the Grand Empress Dowager.

“Her Majesty commanded me never to speak of it, but the fetus had implanted in a damaged *terus, so I felt it necessary to inform Your Majesty directly.”

The physician explained that a damaged *terus was unlikely to sustain another pregnancy. Yeon had also been taking long-term contraceptives at the time. No one could say for certain what effect an abortion pill would have in such circumstances.

Ryu’s mind wandered back three years. He was twenty and Yeon was twenty-eight.

According to the doctor, Yeon became pregnant the first time they slept together. Ryu recalled spending a month recuperating in Haeju at that time. It was impossible to determine when the abortion had occurred or when Yeon had first become pregnant.

“Your Majesty may recall that my maternal aunt was very fond of Yeon.”

He remembered the calm voice of the Empress Dowager as she parted her lips to speak. That year, her sister-in-law from the Lee clan had fallen ill. Though not yet old, the woman had been bedridden for years due to an illness she had suffered in her youth. She had almost died recently, but had just about managed to recover.

Ryu knew that the woman had been very fond of Yeon when she was young.

“Yeon resembles Gyeong-eun quite a lot,”

The Empress Dowager said, referring to her niece from her maiden family, who looked just like Yeon. Gyeong-eun was Lady Lee only daughter. She was born after much difficulty and was raised with great care, but sadly passed away from illness before reaching the age of ten. Perhaps because of that, That is why Lee Hyeong-yeol and his wife cherished Yeon so much.

“So I wish to send Yeon to Haeju to care for my sister-in-law. I ask Your Majesty to grant permission with a willing heart.”

Her voice was gentle. Ryu hadn’t objected. Yeon herself had seemed troubled when she heard that the Marchioness, who had cherished her since childhood, was unwell.

She had always craved maternal affection. This was perhaps especially true given that she had lost her own mother in similar circumstances. Ryu gave his permission without hesitation. However, he told her that she could not be away for more than a month, as she always had to be by his side.

And yet…

“Your Majesty,”

came her trembling voice beside his ear.

Ryu hadn’t known she was pregnant. Despite being so close and favoured. Despite spending day and night in each other’s arms, he hadn’t noticed the changes in her.

Fury surged within him. If only he had known, things would have been different. Their child might now be in his arms, laughing and waving their pudgy little arms and legs.

“How am I supposed to forgive you?”

“I…”

Yeon couldn’t finish her sentence. Ryu shouted again, even louder.

“Tell me!”

“I didn’t want to have the baby.”

“Sukbi!”

“But part of me wanted to.”

Yeon broke down. She looked up at him with hollow eyes. She remembered the first night she had undone her robe in front of him. She could never forget the look in his eyes as he gazed at her bare br*ast.

***

Ryu said that he wanted Yeon. Yeon replied, “Your Majesty already has me.” Ryu simply gazed at her in silence.

That winter, Ryu turned twenty. As an adult emperor, he was expected to be familiar with the female body before his wedding. This would ensure that there would be no awkwardness when he consummated his marriage to the empress for the first time.

The senior members of the royal household were responsible for overseeing the emperor’s coming-of-age ceremony, including the selection and management of the ‘ceremonial maiden’ (sihon gungnyeo).

Ryu had received a detailed education about the female body from an elderly court lady and an elderly eunuch. Learning about s*x was treated no differently to learning statecraft from the Royal Preceptor.

However, unlike the study of political texts, education about the female body was far more intimate and practical.

“But Your Majesty,  have been Your Majesty’s nanny since you were a baby.”

Yeon could never forget that winter, just as she could never forget that summer. Her twenty-eighth year had been filled with things she couldn’t understand or accept.

Ryu had said he wanted her. But that didn’t leave her particularly flustered. He had always told her, ‘I want you.’

Just last summer, he had picked a flower and kissed her on the cheek. This had happened so frequently that, by now, nothing Ryu did surprised her anymore.

When he was a child, he would give her plums and sweet rice cakes and feed her himself. As he grew older, he gave her silk embroidered with peonies, ornaments made of white ermine fur and, with every passing season, gold and jewels. There was a powder case inlaid with rubies, a pearl hairpin crafted from pure gold, and pins made from turtle shell — these were just some of the countless hair ornaments he had given her.

Had it been any other man, she would have taken it as courtship. His tone was almost proposing. But Yeon had never considered it as such.

Because it was Ryu. There was no other way to interpret it. To Yeon, Ryu would always be the boy with the soft, peach-coloured cheeks. Despite him growing taller and broader, she couldn’t see him any other way.

And yet…

“But His Majesty has said he will not take a separate ceremonial maiden.”

The voice was flat. Pale as snow, Yeon stared at the woman.

She had known for days that Ryu intended to choose her as his ceremonial maiden. In truth, she had known for quite some time, but had tried to turn a blind eye.

Ryu had made his desires clear long ago. How could she not have known? He touched her every day. It went far beyond innocent teasing.