CHAPTER 5 – For the Abandoned Innocence (Part 3)

<Priestess Lillian? Oh, she was in the conference room just now. I wonder where she went?>

Contrary to his expectations, Lillian’s legs were fine, and she hadn’t been involved in any accidents. She even mentioned that she was punctual in coming to work. However, he couldn’t see her face.

She must have heard about his visit.

‘I’m glad she wasn’t hurt, then…….’

Even as he walked away, relieved, Cedric couldn’t help but feel inexplicably angry.

‘Why.’

If her entire body was fine…

‘Why on earth isn’t she coming to see me?’

He felt betrayed. Even after returning to the capital after the war, she would visit him at the Holy Palace, making all sorts of lame excuses.

And he always welcomed her without rejecting her despite her trivial excuses.

Because she was as natural to him as air.

‘To tame me so familiarly and then…’

Anger engulfed him. It was a furious anger, so intense that it felt bewildering to experience such an emotion after just a few days.

But he had no right to feel betrayed. It was Cedric himself who rudely turned her away when she came to his office.

They hadn’t made any promises. They were not in any kind of relationship.

Just one of the hundreds of comrades.

Even turning the nonexistent peck into something that never happened was also Cedric’s doing.

Six days, a week, ten days…

Cedric endured and held on, but on the eleventh day, he eventually went to the priest association again. He didn’t have an excuse, but he sold Priest Tyrion’s name to get in.

However, even this time, Cedric couldn’t see Lillian. She seemed to have vanished in her private research room, where outsiders were forbidden, and he couldn’t even catch a glimpse of her. Despite the obvious fact that he had come to the priest association. He did not see her, not even during lunch.

He even wrote letters and sent them to the palace, but no matter how long he waited, there was no reply.

He couldn’t believe the current situation.

It felt as if she was avoiding him.

‘This can’t be.’

How dare she… it couldn’t be.

He reassured himself countless times, but his heart continued to pound anxiously. It echoed like the stomping of a dwarf in his ears, rhythmic and persistent.

Out of frustration, he couldn’t sleep. The damn insomnia brought back Cedric’s sharp neurosis that had been hidden within him.

‘How could you avoid me?

How is that possible?

If you thought you could live without me, you shouldn’t have flirted with me in the first place. If you thought you could live without me, you shouldn’t have dared to desire me.’

No, no, no. His feelings weren’t even that desperate in the first place.

So everything would have been so easy.

Not being able to see her in front of him felt like he was going to die, and just the imagination of her permanently disappearing made it hard for him to breathe.

The desperation that was too terrifying to admit…he wondered if she knew.

*   *   *

Betrayed and shaken by a sense of betrayal, Cedric finally encountered her at the Holy Court.

Lillian confessed that all her emotions towards him were due to lust.

<Are you truly consumed by lust for me? Coming to me in broad daylight… to the extent of begging…?>

Yes, if her lust for him lasted for about 17 years.

<Did you indulge in lustful thoughts because of me every night?>

Perhaps that desire could be acknowledged as love. If it had truly continued for about 17 years, only him.

If her emotions were indeed genuine love, would it be acceptable to accept her proposal?

Without dating, without marriage, without vows. Even though she came to him, reeking of alcohol and threatening him, asking for intimate encounters without any promises about their future together, even if the order of things went terribly wrong…….

If her feelings were real love, there was a chance to correct the order.

Cedric had already experienced six years of satisfaction with her subtle glances. Perhaps more than satisfaction. He had once prayed for the war not to end, glad that he became a special existence.

He felt jealousy towards other men, unknown individuals who might have shared kisses with her. When the sun rose, he prayed for all to fall into the abyss after a battle to reclaim the Iron Fortress.

Yes, there were times when he experienced such torment. Still, it was better. Even though he treated her like a stranger… that could be changed through conversation.

But he had hardly had the chance to talk with Lillian. He simply couldn’t meet her.

Being a priest, she was as valuable as national property, and without going through the priest association, one couldn’t meet her privately. Unless it was a personal, intimate relationship.

It felt painfully clear that they had no engagement, no husband-wife or lover relationship. An unnamed relationship. A relationship without permission.

Though he burned with frustration inside, Cedric didn’t even know where her place was.

Lillian was always the one to visit him first.

Without any shame, he sent letters to her place through the priest association several times. Yet, there was still no response.

‘At this rate, I might lose Lillian forever…’

Cedric was born with a much more sensitive temperament than others. While it was an excellent quality for a warrior handling a sword, his sensitivity led to severe obsessive-compulsive symptoms from an early age.

The fear of losing Lillian caused anxiety, and his mental illness manifested itself in physical pain.

Insomnia, headaches, dizziness, and nausea plagued him, and later, he even developed tinnitus.

<Sir Edelgard?>

Her melodious voice rang in his ears constantly. Once he realized that the voice calling him was fake, he could hardly hear. The sound seemed to be fading away, and his hearing was getting worse. It felt like his eardrums were damaged.

Cedric felt like he was going to lose his mind.

Because he missed Lillian so much, and at the same time, he hated her.

‘How can you be fine without me?’

Because he was already losing his mind.