CHAPTER 5 – For the Abandoned Innocence (Part 5)

Filled with rage and self-loathing, Cedric searched for Lillian like a madman.

However the residences and movements of the priests were highly classified, and even the Duke of Edelgard had difficulty finding out. Especially the priest’s assembly within the imperial palace was an impenetrable place where no words leaked out.

Upon returning to the Edelgard estate, as planned, everyone gathered around him, all being cold and rational men, having put an end to the succession competition.

During the day, he filled the void left by leaving the estate as the flawless successor of the ducal house, and at night, he desperately searched for Lillian. Despite Cedric’s perfect outward appearance, his inner self had thoroughly decayed. He was like a living corpse.

His soul dried up with each passing day until he heard news of Lillian from an unexpected source.

<She’s gone to Turin.>

To Cedric’s surprise, several of the Silver Cross Knights he had left behind knew of Lillian’s whereabouts.

<……Turin?

<Yes.>

It was the farthest territory from the capital. Only now did he recall that Lillian had mentioned to him that she was going to Turin.

Cedric was engulfed in a great shock. He never imagined she would leave the capital… it was beyond his wildest thoughts.

And she hadn’t left alone.

<Lady Lillian Primrose and Felix Perry have promised to marry. It has been about two weeks since they left for Turin together. Sir Jeremy Adolph testified.>

Having engaged in a sexual act with him, Lillian had left the capital after merely two days. 

Holding hands with another man.

<The lord of Turin is said to be a relative of Sir Felix Perry…….>

<Enough.>

It was hard enough to hear her name out of someone else’s mouth, but to hear it in conjunction with another man made him feel sick.

‘Promised to marry?’

At first, Cedric didn’t believe it. Even though Lillian and Felix danced at the masquerade ball, they had never been that close.

‘Then was Lillian close to me?’

His heart sank. Cedric and Lillian had spoken often in public, but rarely in private. Even the kiss on the battlefield had clearly been a sudden and unexpected event.

There are some people in the world who are capable of intimate acts even with those with whom they are not close. Realizing that she might be one of those people, Cedric felt like turning away.

‘Since when have they been close?’

‘Since the battlefield? Since they returned to the capital?’

‘Did she think of him while being intimate with me?’

Cedric wonders if Lillian ever compares their kisses with her kisses with Felix. On the night when Felix and Lillian held hands and danced, Cedric cursed himself for not having killed Felix.

Trapped by the hypocrisy of pride and conscience, he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

Cedric was consumed not just by anger but by an overpowering rage. He couldn’t find sleep as the storm of emotions raged within him. The sense of betrayal was an added burden.

He tried to control the storm of emotions with prayers, but it was a complete failure.

When he closed his eyes, he could see the two of them dancing like lovers at the ball. Felix casually carrying her bag at the palace, Lillian facing him with a friendly smile…….

On the battlefield, Felix was the first person she spoke to. Unlike other noble-born knights, he skillfully engaged Lillian in conversation and acted charmingly.

Cedric had secretly envied Felix. The way Felix treated Lillian as if everything was easy was something Cedric would never be able to possess, even if he woke up from death.

‘If I had been as skillful as him, would the outcome have been different?’

If he’d smiled, if he’d talked to her, if he’d complimented her on her beauty, if he’d confessed that he’d actually liked her for a long time…….

It was all futile supposition.

Even if he sold his soul to the devil and went back in time, Cedric couldn’t confess to her.

And even if he did go back in time, his lost innocence wouldn’t return. Even if his body returned to its untouched, pristine state, his soul had already tasted pleasure.

He has opened a forbidden door that should never have been opened. In that place, there was another world, far removed from reality, a perfect utopia. It was a paradise that every living soul should strive to reach.

What he had said to her was true. The first experience would forever be unforgettable, and it was an irreversible law.

‘Everything has changed.’

Having lost his purity, he submitted his resignation and had to leave the knighthood. He had no choice but to harm his brother and take his place.

Cedric was willing to do anything to bring the woman who had deceived and left him back to his side.

At some point, even the prayers he offered to the Lord ceased.

Whether asking to let him kill the man beside Lillian with his own hands or to prevent his brother, whom he had made vulnerable, from climbing the ranks again, he stopped praying altogether.

He couldn’t pray for his father’s death, caused by his own hands, to be less painful.

That was not what the Lord desired.

Cedric was no longer a holy and sacred servant of the illustrious church. The sins he committed were deeds fitting for a slave under the devil’s control.

He knew he was gradually losing his sanity, but he couldn’t stop.

He anticipated facing the consequences of his sins in death. Driven by love, he was the sinner to be crucified on the cross.

Chasing after the woman who had so cruelly abandoned him, Cedric only had one wish.

Even though he would not receive forgiveness for his sins and would stand before the judgment seat, suffering in the pit of despair, Cedric constantly wished, not for his own redemption, but for hers.

‘May she find redemption.’

Lillian now had to take responsibility for the cowardly lies and bitter betrayals she had uttered.