IX. Unexpected Agony

Covering yesterday’s shock with an even greater shock. Estelle was truly an extraordinary woman. Suddenly, Jeff began to distrust himself, wondering if perhaps, as she said, the seeds of homosexuality were sprouting within him.

After leaving the inn and once the carriage had departed, Estelle carefully addressed Jeff, who had been looking troubled for quite some time.

“Don’t worry too much. There aren’t many people who view homosexuals as badly as you might think. You know Edro, the painter called a genius? That man, he’s quite promiscuous with women right now.”

Jeff was also well aware of the scandals surrounding Edro, who changed wives every year in proportion to his artistic talent and womanizing.

“That’s how he is now, but later he met a male lover and changed into such a new person that one might doubt if he was the same man. That incident improved the noble society’s view of homosexuals considerably. Saying that even an unbridled colt has its match.”

While she might have thought she was giving a plausible example, the best case she could cite was that of a lecher who committed adultery as easily as eating. It wasn’t convincing at all. In any case, Jeff had no intention of being persuaded by her.

“Estelle… please don’t try to brainwash me like that.”

Jeff pressed his temple firmly as if getting a headache. For the first time, he wished Estelle’s regression ability was a lie.

“I… think you have absolutely no reason to hide it. You’ll surely receive more congratulations than Edro. For a noble and sublime love!”

“……”

As Jeff imagined the scene of introducing a male lover to everyone, popping champagne while flower petals fluttered everywhere, he gritted his molars like he was enduring something.

“You haven’t even had casual relationships all this time. There was briefly a rumor about you and Miss Otis… but I know you cherish her like a little sister. Jeff, have you been struggling a lot, keeping this secret to yourself?”

Estelle seemed to have already accepted that he was homosexual as a fact. There wasn’t even a speck of doubt in her eyes. As a secret he had never imagined even in his dreams emerged, Jeff pounded his chest heavily, feeling stifled.

“No… Ha. Estelle, there must be some misunderstanding. I was just not interested in romance. It’s not that I haven’t been with women because I like men.”

“Jeff, it’s okay.”

Seeing her nodding with sorrowful eyes, Jeff felt like he was truly going to lose his mind. He raised his voice, unusually urgent for his typical demeanor.

“This isn’t about whether it’s okay or not! Estelle, I wasn’t going to say this… but my first s*xual stimulus, I mean… my wet dream was of a n*ked woman. It still is. I have absolutely no problem getting an er*ction for women.”

Why did he have to desperately proclaim his masculinity to her……. After blurting it out, Jeff buried his hot face in both hands, embarrassed. His neck flushed red as he muttered.

“Sorry……. I know it’s inappropriate to say to you, but I feel so wronged.”

However, Jeff’s confession was not accepted in Estelle’s rigid court.

“Edro also said he had no problem having s*x with women… it’s just that his heart wouldn’t allow it.”

The body separate from the heart? Jeff didn’t want to infer the psychology of homosexuals, but he thought that the love Edro spoke of was closer to dirty lust than genuine sincerity, a deception.

“Jeff, love is not a sin.”

“Estelle… please do something about that sorrowful voice. Even if it’s you, it doesn’t feel good when you make such assumptions about me.”

“Ah… I didn’t intend to invade your private space. I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing too……. Haa… forget it. Let’s stop talking about such strange things and discuss more realistic measures.”

“Okay. But remember that you’re not alone, so if you ever feel hurt about that matter or want to talk, my window of communication is always open.”

Damn it. Jeff, who wanted to close that wretched window immediately, used a harsh word.

“Right. If I ever feel the urge to touch a man’s c*ck, I’ll tell you, and when that time comes, I hope you’ll confine me to a camp.”

“Hmm… Edro says that originally, one goes through a stage of denial at first. The higher one’s status, the stronger such feelings become……”

“Is that person your spiritual pillar or something? What kind of nonsensical rubbish have you been picking up?”

“He was in charge of the imperial portraits before. We had some deep conversations then. I thought it might help you.”

“Estelle, let’s stop this conversation.”

Feeling like his mind would become hazy if they continued, Jeff changed the subject.

“About the holy relic. You said you touched it and inherited the special ability?”

“Yes. Worried that the ability might disappear again, I touched the holy relic in the imperial palace, but there was no reaction.”

Jeff nodded as if that made sense.

“That’s to be expected. Once an ability is inherited, it’s impossible to make it disappear at the ability user’s will. But yours is a peculiar case since you don’t have the family bloodline mixed in……. Have you checked if the ability remains? Strangely, I can’t see any trace in you.”

“Trace?”

“Well, ability users can recognize each other. Using the power leaves traces.”

“Ah… is it like the aura I see with my eyes?”

“Are you talking about the energy that’s said to be visible only to the saintess’s eyes?”

“Yes.”

“Then it would be similar. Is it because your ability is related to time? When I look at you, you seem too ordinary.”

“Well, I’m not certain, but the ability seems to be the same as before.”

“How about checking if the ability remains by examining the wave inside your body?”

“It’s not that simple……. What if the ability has disappeared from within me? Then I would die just like that. Unless I was rejected by you, Jeff, I’m quite satisfied with the current situation. I’ve gained a lot too.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Ah……”

Hesitating, Estelle checked Jeff’s reaction before answering.

“The regression ability is not the usual way Guardians manifest their abilities. Well… it only activates when I die.”

“You… have to die?”

“Yes, when my life ends, I return to that time. It’s not something I can control.”

Ripples appeared in Jeff’s pupils as he understood the meaning of her words.

“You… didn’t you say you’ve rewound time countless times?”

“I did.”

“Are you saying you deliberately died?”

“After doing it a few times, I got used to it.”

“Estelle… do you even know what you’re saying?”

Jeff raised his voice as if scolding her. She was reckless to have repeatedly committed suicide just for a piece of information. And the woman who spoke of it so calmly seemed even more surreal.

“Jeff, I was fine. I didn’t want to tell you because I was afraid you’d react like this……”

“You got used to taking your own life?”

He didn’t understand why he was angry looking at that nonchalant face. She seemed numbed to pain, unable to show her struggles. That appearance was pitiful, and so a voice of reproach spontaneously emerged.

“Estelle, no one gets used to pain! Not even a god.”

Perhaps feeling like she was being pitied by him, Estelle furrowed her brow and spoke emphatically.

“Don’t blame me even if I look foolish to you.”

“Blame you……”

He couldn’t even begin to imagine the tragedy she had experienced. Her manner of speaking about it as if it were daily life made Jeff’s heart ache even more.

As he contemplated the resignation and sadness she must have felt, his head suddenly cooled. Jeff, realizing something, let out a thin groan between his lips.

“Ah……”

My god, what have I done to this woman? Jeff bowed his head deeply, like someone who had committed a sin.

“Estelle, that’s not it……. I don’t see you that way.”

The green eyes that appeared again were, for some reason, filled with a shrinking gaze.

“Why would I blame you? How dare I……. It’s just that it’s too… cruel to you.”

He had something to apologize to her for. But the words of atonement that rose up his throat lingered on the tip of his tongue before dissipating like a sigh. Instead, only a cowardly voice flowed out.

“Why… why didn’t you come to me first……”

“I have that much sense too. The saintess’s power would have manifested on the way to your territory, and by then it would have been too late.”

“…I was also at the founding festival party.”

“Jeff… don’t take it too hard. Honestly… I doubted whether you would believe me, and I thought touching the holy relic in the imperial palace was the priority. I wanted to make the ability disappear quickly.”

Estelle, seeing Jeff’s increasingly darkening expression, took one of his hands and shook it lightly.

“Think about it. At every party, there are women trying to catch the Guardians’ attention. You would have thought the same about me. You would have considered me just some crazy woman spouting nonsense.”