【Epilogue 4. For Those Left Behind】

It felt like being submerged in deep water.

The rippling waves seemed to tremble near her ears. In that place where everyone had left the room and only the deceased remained, Catherine swallowed a deep breath, unable to contain the grief stirring in the depths of her heart.

She could hardly believe what had happened last night, the truth she had faced. It seemed like she had experienced a long dream. It might have been a terrible nightmare. Or she wondered if she was still caught in the temptation of the evil thing. This feeling intensified after hearing what the priest who had just left the room had told her.

A child. Catherine burst into hollow laughter. She laughed with her shoulders shaking slightly. Pulling her hands from her knees, she curled up and embraced her still-flat stomach. 

She hadn’t had her monthly cycle recently. She had thought it was because her body was tired from constantly watching over Saul, and she had been too distracted to notice. But, a child? When on earth?

Catherine shook her head. The priest must have misunderstood something. She had no memory of having any s*xual relationship with Saul or anyone else… Suddenly, Catherine blinked. Really, none? Not long ago, Catherine remembered having similar doubts.

Perhaps something had happened during that month she had forgotten, but Catherine deliberately chose not to voice this thought aloud. She looked down at Saul’s form, visible only in outline under the white cloth. And she tried not to think about the Cavendish child she thought she could never have, and about this child’s father…

Catherine bit her lip. Then, trying to forget everything she had heard here, she rose from her seat. Due to her sudden movement, she felt momentarily dizzy. She stood for a while by Saul’s side, who no longer breathed, then slowly moved toward the exit. Whether she was pregnant or not didn’t matter right now. Catherine now needed to prepare to truly let Saul go…

Suddenly, Catherine’s steps toward the door stopped. Catherine faced a stranger with a somehow familiar face standing beyond the doorway. The priest, who had been standing showing his profile, raised his head, perhaps sensing her gaze. His full face came into view. Catherine recognized him immediately.

“…You.”

Murmuring, Catherine stared at Eli. Then, belatedly realizing she knew him only one-sidedly, she closed her mouth. Eli, observing Catherine’s attitude, wore a gentle expression, knowing everything. Looking at Catherine, he blinked slowly. He had been waiting for her to come out.

At that moment, Catherine realized he had business with her. And indeed, it seemed so. Eli, standing in front of the door, bowed respectfully when Catherine came out and presented an old box to her. When Catherine regarded him curiously, gesturing lightly for an explanation, Eli promptly answered in a composed tone.

“This is something the Count entrusted to me long ago.”

I brought it to return it to its rightful owner. At those words, Catherine quietly looked at the box.

It appeared to be made with the wood grain visible, without any decoration or craftsmanship, simply shaped. It seemed somewhat crude for someone from the venerable Cavendish family to use. Saul had entrusted this. Catherine blinked, shifting her gaze from the box. And instead of accepting it, she asked something else.

“Have you been standing here all this time?”

At this, Eli looked like he didn’t understand why Catherine would ask such a thing. But when Catherine tilted her gaze to glance beyond the door, he belatedly showed an embarrassed expression, finally understanding the meaning of her question. But that was all. He hesitated for a moment, then shook his head with a bitter smile.

“I don’t have the face to see the Count…”

But Eli’s words didn’t continue to the end.

“The husband I knew wasn’t someone who easily trusted others.”

Interrupting Eli’s words, Catherine whispered. And she stared at the face of the priest buried in long-standing guilt. She thought about the traces etched by the passage of time, and the long atonement that must have pooled in between. Time passed idly. Catherine took the old box still clutched in Eli’s hand and said:

“If my husband entrusted something to you, he must have relied on you that much.”

Catherine suddenly recalled the image of the two men she had seen in the dark corridor. And she blinked, looking at the aged priest before her.

“If you pray for his peace on his final journey… it would be a blessing for my husband.”

Both then and now, Catherine could see that the priest cared deeply for Saul. Indeed, even bringing this box showed that. Though she didn’t know what was inside, Catherine thought this priest hadn’t returned to Cavendish merely to deliver this box.

Catherine didn’t know what had brought him back here. She could only guess that Saul’s existence occupied a significant portion of his reasons for returning. If not, he wouldn’t hesitate with words about not having the face to see him. Despite so much time having passed, he wouldn’t still carry such guilt. Catherine hoped Eli would pray for Saul.

Eli, hearing unexpected words, remained silent for a moment. He closed his eyes tightly and opened them again, swallowing rising tears. His lips moved, about to say something. Catherine waited for him briefly.

But Eli seemed unable to utter any words. After struggling for a long while to compose his face mixed with numerous emotions, he finally pulled his lips into a smile. And he bowed respectfully, just as he had done to Catherine initially.

Their conversation ended there.

Since Catherine quietly returned his bow and left the place, she didn’t know what choice Eli made. She only hoped that whether he said his final goodbye to Saul or not, he wouldn’t leave with regrets.

…And the same for Catherine herself.

Crossing the corridor to take the box, which had been entrusted long ago, to Saul’s office, Catherine suddenly looked up. White light was shining through the window. It wasn’t just a momentary flash cutting through darkness, but light completely pushing away the darkness.

She heard the sound of dawn approaching. A faint, elongated shadow fell over her head. Catherine looked at that light, at the peaceful and desolate winter landscape revealed beneath it, before turning away.

Catherine exhaled a long breath. She knew that the death she had sold, Saul’s grave that would forever remain in her heart, the traces he might have left, and various other unresolved issues still remained… 

Nevertheless, Catherine tried to remember only that the strange storm had ended, at least for this moment. And she hoped that no more strange events would occur at Cavendish. She sincerely wished for that.

For a brief moment, only the sound of fading footsteps echoed in the corridor bathed in white sunlight.

But Catherine didn’t know. About the traces she would face after that sound completely ceased. And that what the priest had referred to as what Saul had entrusted wasn’t the box in her hand but the letter inside. She couldn’t guess at all about the moment when she would face all of his intimate thoughts and belated confessions written inside.

* * *

【To My Dear E】

[If you know that the first flower to bloom here is the golden crocus, I believe you will recognize me even without writing who I am. If you remember and recognize who I am, please send a reply to the girl with the cute freckles. To that girl who often brought cookies from the kitchen. Hoping this letter arrives safely, I await your reply.

xx56. 03. xx.]

[Thank you for sending a reply. We all know there are reasons I cannot put in writing why I’m corresponding this way. I don’t mean to blame you, so please don’t misunderstand. I don’t bring this up to anger or sadden you.

However, I want to mention one thing first. There is someone who would disapprove of this letter, so I won’t write your name in future letters either. I trust you, and I don’t want to worry that person.

So when I address you, I will use your initial. No one can suspect the countless ‘E’s that exist in the world.

xx56. 04. xx. S.]

[Dear E. During the exchange of several letters, I couldn’t write detailed content to check if anyone was reading our correspondence. Perhaps in the future too, I won’t be able to write even half of what I want to tell you in writing. Nevertheless, I need your help so desperately that I must seek your advice this way.

To get to the point, something very strange has happened. I believe that with just this much, you can guess what has occurred.

xx56. 04. xx. S.]

[I don’t know whether to be fortunate or unfortunate that I can answer “no” to your previous reply. At least, it’s clearly a blessing that nothing has happened to my little one. But, E. Perhaps what has happened is worse than you think.

I’m sorry. Foolishly, I forgot your advice. I made a deal with “it.”

xx56. 05. xx. S.]

[Dear E.

…

I don’t want to worry you either. However, since there’s no one else I can trust and seek advice from, I inevitably must cause you concern. I’m sorry. I intend to kill “it.”

xx.56. 07. xx. S.]

[I will consider your reply as advice. But E. I cannot forgive “it.” I even think that perhaps the role given to me was for this purpose.

…

But please don’t worry too much. I plan to avoid dangerous things as much as possible.

xx56. 10. xx. S.]