My body felt heavy and cumbersome, the way it would feel sinking into deep water. I looked up and saw the rippling pattern of sunlight on the surface above me, but the brightness was too much and I closed my eyes.

It’s peaceful. If I could just shed this exhausting body, it would be even more peaceful.

I think I had a thought like that.

At four years old, a dying wish to live and find happiness, and a gaunt face. That was the entirety of my memory of my mother.

At six, after the *buse that went by the name of ability development began, I held on with nothing but the desire to honor my mother’s last words.

Should I just stop? Should I let go of this body that holds so few good memories?

Her dying wish? The person who made it left this world long ago. She wouldn’t even remember it anymore. So why do I cling to life so desperately, using something so flimsy as an excuse?

Scars don’t fade easily. On one side of even a peaceful life, a pitch-black question always lurked, quietly but unmistakably. Why bother? What for?

‘Cian…’

A faint voice reached me from outside the water.

‘Lucian…’

That’s my name. Who’s calling it? And with such desperation. There shouldn’t be anyone in this world who would search for me so urgently. How strange.

Out of curiosity, I moved my arms and legs with effort. I had been living all this time using a dying wish I could barely even remember as my excuse, so a voice calling out to me with such raw longing was surely reason enough to cling to life.

I’m a coward who can’t even say she wants to live, that she wants to keep going even through a life this painful and wretched, without some excuse to hide behind.

I was nearly at the surface now. Still too bright.

Ah. So I didn’t die.

The first thought.

It’s so bright.

The second thought.

I was struggling against the light pouring through my heavy eyelids when a loud voice struck my ears.

“Lucian! Lucian!!”

The low, soft voice was quite familiar. Ah, it was Heliones’s voice. I forced my eyes open at his call, and there was Heliones, his composed face crumpled beyond recognition, tears streaming freely down his face.

Ah, he’s got a runny nose too. How undignified, for an emperor.

I unconsciously lifted my hand to wipe his face before someone saw, and Heliones immediately snatched my hand and cried out even louder.

“Are you with me? Do you know who I am?”

I wanted to tell him to lower his voice because my head was ringing, and to wipe his tears and runny nose, but my voice was completely gone and wouldn’t come out yet. So I gave a small nod instead, and Heliones broke into a radiant smile, like a child who had just found the treasure at the end of a treasure hunt, and the sight of it was so bright that I squinted slightly.

“Where does it hurt? Can you feel any pain?”

Ah, so this is how frustrating it is to have no voice. I instinctively looked around for water, and somehow Heliones understood and poured me a glass.

Ah, that’s better. Now maybe my voice will come.

I cleared my throat with a deliberate small cough, and Heliones cried out again.

“Doctor! Doctor! Lady Lucian has regained consciousness! Doctor!!”

I set down the cup and gathered my senses, and what appeared to be the imperial physician arrived. He examined me and confirmed to Heliones that I was all right, then offered this advice:

“You’ve woken after two days, so you’ll have some headache. Moving suddenly may make you dizzy as well. Other than that, there’s nothing of concern. The wound is healing well.”

At the word wound, the memories from before I lost consciousness came back to me.

The screams of Elise and Nelia, sharp enough to split an eardrum, and Heliones’s face going pale the way someone looks when they themselves have been struck.

Ah, right. Delmir stabbed me with her brooch, didn’t she?

The spot must have been bad. Sleeping for two whole days over a wound like that. In the old days I would have had ice water thrown over me for making a fuss. There’s no one here who would do something so cruel, but the sensation of cold water running over a festering wound was vivid enough that I shuddered slightly without meaning to.

“Are you cold? Are you cold? More blankets…”

“Stop.”

I held up my palm to cut off Heliones before he could launch into another torrent of words, and greeted the physician first.

“Thank you for treating me.”

“Not at all. Lord Roned performed the surgery himself. I only assisted.”

At the mention of Roned’s name, Heliones made no effort to hide his displeasure.

“I see. I’ll thank him separately.”

The physician checked my condition once more and then excused himself.

Finally alone, I looked at Heliones, who sat motionless beside the bed I lay in, like a dog waiting for its owner. The dark circles under his eyes told me he hadn’t slept properly in two days.

“Have you eaten?”

A shake of the head. I knew it.

“I’m all right now.”

A nod. After a brief pause, tears fell from Heliones’s eyes again.

He was worried. Over someone like me.

“You called my name, didn’t you? You called out to me?”

Heliones answered again with only a nod, saying nothing.

It was you. I was able to come back to the surface because of you.

“Thank you.”

I smiled slightly, and Heliones seemed to relax a little. He let out a long breath and wiped his face with the handkerchief beside him. Finally. That’s a relief.

“All suspicious individuals have been investigated.”

“Suspicious individuals? It should be Lady Delmir’s act alone.”

“Among those close to Lady Delmir, there was someone with close ties to Rodencia.”

“?”

It seemed like too great a leap to bring Rodencia into something Delmir had done in a fit of rage, but I held my tongue and listened quietly.

“The trial begins today. The relevant parties will come forward to testify.”

“Ah, yes.”

Right. She stabbed someone inside the imperial palace, so of course there would be a trial. House Balthar must be in chaos.

I was sorting through my tangled thoughts when Heliones, wearing his usual expressionless face, held out a single sheet of paper.

“These are the divorce papers.”

“Pardon?”

Looking more closely at the document in Heliones’s hand, I recognized it as the divorce papers I had signed two years ago.

“I didn’t want to handle this while Lady Lucian was unwell, but the situation has become somewhat difficult. So…”

“Is it because of Rodencia?”

At my question, Heliones furrowed his brow slightly, as though pained, and answered.

“Lewian’s presence in the capital has been confirmed. He was spotted on the outskirts.”

“?”

How could Lewian be here? How could a dead man manage that?

He must have read my expression, because Heliones set the papers down beside him and met my eyes, taking my hand in his.

“It was classified, so I couldn’t say anything until now. I didn’t want to worry you needlessly either. Two years ago, Lewian succeeded in escaping.”

“Ah.”

He’s alive? Lewian is alive?

News that a family member is alive brings not joy but fear. You may call me heartless. But the mere fact of his name passing through Heliones’s lips was enough to make every drop of blood in my body feel like it had frozen solid.

I felt something foul rising to my lips, but I had no desire to show that side of myself in front of Heliones, so I bit down hard on my back teeth. Heliones seemed to read my thoughts and patted my hand gently.

“You’ll need to remain in the capital for the time being. For your protection, and also for public perception…”

“Yes. It would be better in every way for me to stay where people can see me. I have no wish to be misunderstood as having any involvement in something I have no interest in.”

“Yes. And please don’t worry too much. I will ensure your protection is even more thorough, so that no one can lay a hand on Lady Lucian again.”

Heliones used the word someone rather than Lewian’s name, but I understood him. He was holding my hand firmly but gently, the hand that had been trembling ever since I heard Lewian’s name.

“The finalized divorce will appear in the papers.”

“Yes.”

“Even so, nothing will change.”

“Yes.”

Then again, what would change? I had only been staying in the capital to finalize the divorce to begin with.

He and I were simply friends who had shared a stretch of time, companions who occasionally talked. Nothing more.

“Then please rest. I have matters to attend to.”

Heliones, who looked somehow smaller than usual, walked out of the room with steady steps.

Good. If Heliones hadn’t shown me the divorce papers, I might have told him. That it was because of him. That he had given me the courage to try living again.

This is already more than I deserve. He cried for me and stayed up two nights. A very good friend who worries about me. That is more than enough.

On the nightstand beside the bed, the divorce papers he had left behind caught my eye. Strangely, my heart, which had been quiet until moments ago, began to tighten, and a pain settled in my chest. My face had gone numb. I turned my head and caught my reflection in the mirror on the wall. The face looking back was not merely pale but colorless.

The woman in the mirror, dark circles under her eyes and exhaustion written plainly across her face, was clearly far too lacking to stand beside the emperor of a great empire.

His former wife. Even being called his former wife felt like more than someone like me deserved.

We had never been a real couple in any true sense, but for two years I had stood close enough to receive his gaze and hear his voice. That was enough.

It was enough. And yet.

In that moment, the single sheet of paper on the nightstand felt deeply, profoundly unwelcome. Heliones already had a copy, so there was no need for me to keep one as well.

My face still had no feeling in it. The woman in the mirror simply wore no expression.

No pity for myself. No lingering attachment to him. Nothing at all.

I quietly tore the divorce papers. The thin, flat sound of tearing paper filled the silent room. The paper split into exactly four pieces, and then silence returned.

In that silence like death, my second marriage, which I had believed already over, reached its true end.