Throughout the string of urgent crises that had unfolded in rapid succession, what unsettled Heliones most was the worry that Lucian’s heart, which had seemed to open little by little, might close again.

Some might say that for an emperor to be fretting over a woman in the middle of all this was beneath him, but for a man in love who had quietly carried an unrequited feeling for four years, nothing was more important than the heart of the woman he loved.

Yet despite what he felt inside, Heliones spent the entire day receiving reports on the trial related to Duke Balthar’s academic corruption, tracking Lewian’s movements, discussing legislation to regulate the reckless press, and tending to domestic affairs as usual. It was a relentless day.

In truth, he did not even know what he would do or say, but he wanted to run to Lucian that very moment. He wanted to wedge his foot in the door before her heart could close again, but responsibility was as much a part of him as love, and so he pushed through his duties until late in the evening, long after the summer sun had set.

At last, the long and exhausting day came to an end. Count Fonta pleaded with him to at least eat dinner, but Heliones had something more pressing than tending to his body.

He gathered his long-starved spirit and made his way quietly to the manor where Lucian was staying. He had spent the entire day turning it over in his mind and still had no idea what to say. 

He had no sense of how to handle the fact that the source of the scandal was his own mother, nor the enormous truth bound up in it, and yet he went to Lucian, driven by nothing but desperation.

* * *

Sure enough, Heliones came before the day was out. I felt terribly guilty about causing the emperor so much trouble, but I agreed with Elren’s view that it was better to avoid visiting the palace for now, while Helena was staying there.

I am not someone who understands politics, but I could tell that the situation within Frianc was unsettled these days, and that a newly crowned emperor would have no shortage of things to manage.

Even without a scandal like this, he was clearly already under enough strain to wear his nerves thin.

The large hood that had covered his head, mismatched with his broad frame, fell back. The deep navy hood came down, but his face still sat beneath a heavy shadow, and I had no difficulty guessing how grueling his day must have been.

I greeted him and showed him to the sitting room. After we sat down, Heliones and I were quiet for a while. The subject was a scandal not easily brought to the lips, and his whole body sagged with exhaustion, so I felt no urge to press him.

It was an irreverent thought, but Heliones seemed to have been better off when he lived at the Gertil ducal residence. Even as a prince of a defeated nation under house arrest, he had never looked this worn. Though of course, what he had felt inside while preparing his revenge was something I could not begin to guess.

Some time passed. When the heavy silence finally broke, it was neither his careful voice nor my cautious one that broke it.

Grrrumble.

“?”

The sound was so clear and loud that pretending not to hear it would have been more awkward than acknowledging it. I stared at Heliones with wide eyes, and he made a face that said plainly, this is a disaster, and squeezed his eyes shut.

Had he come without eating?

Apparently closing his eyes was not enough, because he raised a hand and buried his face in it. There was something about that, oddly enough, that seemed rather endearing. Right. Even an emperor is human. No matter how serious the situation, a person still needs to eat.

But Nora had already gone home for the evening, and calling Hanna down from her room felt like it would only embarrass him further. The only thing I could manage in the kitchen was reheating food. What to do. I turned it over in my head.

“There is some sponge cake left over from dessert. Would you like some of that? I was actually in the mood for something sweet myself.”

I asked carefully, trying to be considerate, but Heliones sat motionless, carved from stone. Getting an answer out of him seemed unlikely, so I rose without a word, went to the kitchen, and gathered what little snacks remained. It was a good thing Nora loved baking.

Even when I brought the tray out, Heliones showed no reaction. I knew it was improper to eat before the emperor, but getting something into him felt more urgent than propriety, so I bit into a biscuit first. Crunch. The thin biscuit broke apart in my mouth with a satisfying sound.

It worked. Heliones finally lifted his head. His face was still composed, but full of embarrassment, and when he saw me eating, he slowly reached a hand toward the plate with the cake.

“You have to eat properly. Whatever the situation, you can only get through it if you eat.”

This was sincere advice drawn from experience. In the days when I was subjected to torment daily and barely given proper meals, I would make my way to the kitchen after the fires had gone cold and eat whatever was left. The maids who worked there could never bring themselves to stop me. They would stand at a distance, averting their eyes with a pained squint.

The power of a full stomach was remarkable. Sometimes even the cold that made my teeth chatter, or pain so severe I could not move, would ease a little once I had eaten. Because of that, I had learned from a very young age, through my own body, that eating was the one truth behind enduring anything at all.

Ah, but now that I had said it aloud, it sounded like a lecture. Under ordinary circumstances Heliones would never go hungry, and he was also a seasoned soldier. He may have endured far worse than this on the battlefield. I had said too much.

“Though of course Your Majesty already knows that.”

I added the words, feeling a little self-conscious, and Heliones paused his fork and agreed.

“You are right, Miss Lucian. A full stomach is what makes anything possible.”

After that, nothing much happened. Hanna, who had only just realized we were having dessert, was kind enough to bring out tea, and Heliones and I sipped from the steaming cups, exchanging a few words here and there about nothing in particular, the barley harvest season, prices, ordinary things like that.

Just as my head was full of countless serious things left unsaid, Heliones surely had no shortage of important matters he needed to address. We both knew why he had come at such a late hour, but in the end, neither of us brought it up.

Some moments need no words. There are times when the mere existence of that time and place feels so complete that laying everything bare would only be unnecessary, and the heart settles more easily for the silence. It was a modest gathering, nothing but leftover dessert and tea, but that was how that moment felt to me. I did not want to ruin it by bringing up the scandal or Lewian.

When the tea was finished, Heliones rose from his seat. I followed him quietly to the back door to see him off. Just before his final farewell, he asked in a voice slightly more tense than when we had been talking:

“May I come again?”

Considering the situation before us, the right thing to say would have been to ask him not to visit, to put some distance between us. But his gray eyes, usually so still, were brimming with a desperate restlessness, and before I could stop myself, I simply nodded without a word.

Heliones smiled. Satisfied with my answer, he grinned with all his teeth showing, like a child, and dipped his head slightly.

At that smile, something warm and unfamiliar rose and filled my chest. It was not an unpleasant feeling, but strangely my eyes began to sting, and I quickly bowed my head after him and pressed the corners of my eyes tight.

“Well then, until next time.”

“Yes. Until next time.”

Even after Heliones left, my heart and my eyes went on pitching and swaying for a while, like a small boat tied to a dock in a storm. I almost felt seasick. Ah, I should not have eaten so many biscuits.

Unsettled as I was, my eyelids grew heavy, and I slept more soundly than usual. I woke the next morning refreshed from the good rest, and spent the morning with a heart considerably lighter than the day before. I read neither the newspaper nor the gossip papers. I made an effort to step back from things I could do nothing about no matter how much I turned them over, and to give myself time to settle.

Of course, that did not make all the thoughts disappear, but as I layered color upon color onto the painting I had been working on, I was slowly finding my footing again.

That was, until Roned appeared at my lodgings without any warning early in the afternoon.