Persephone

My stomach churns. Something like a fist-sized lump seems tightly knotted somewhere in my throat, somewhere in my chest. I want to vomit but can’t even manage that.

“Darling, are you alright? Where does it hurt?”

I struggled to break free from my mother’s embrace. But how could Kore, her daughter, overcome the might of great Demeter! 

All I could do was push away the silver cup she pressed against my lips.

“It’s too bright. My eyes sting so much I’m going crazy.”

“Is that so? I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Mother will put up curtains right away.”

Mother still held me tightly like I was some rabbit, while the nymphs surrounding the bed carried out her orders. Screens began blocking the windows on both sides. This had never happened in my entire life. Next she’ll have them lock the doors too!

I scanned the room with my gritty eyes. It was indeed my room. A room where, no matter when you look, you couldn’t find even an apple seed’s worth of privacy. 

The large windows might appear to offer freedom, but in reality, my quarters stand in the center of the inner courtyard, making me little more than a spectacle. Even a doghouse would be built in a quieter place than my room. 

The deepest, busiest part of Demeter’s temple. Mother can survey my room from wherever she works, and I must always sleep with both hands outside the blanket. The windows open on all sides cannot be closed; they simply remain open.

Thanks to the screens being drawn, light and darkness adjusted their concentrations and performed a dazzling dance. The dust glittering like sand made my eyeballs feel like they were on fire! 

I rubbed my eyes in frustration. But as always, Mother forcibly restrained my hands, preventing me from even doing that freely.

“Kore, you mustn’t rub your eyes with your hands! Just leave them be, you’ll soon get used to the light.”

I’ve always been used to light, haven’t I? Sickeningly so. I turn my head while swallowing words I dare not speak. My stomach still felt terrible.

I thought I’d suddenly fallen under some terrible curse. I simply couldn’t open my eyes. Yet just yesterday, I had been counting endless time in the sun-drenched fields. What was happening? 

My eyes couldn’t have switched with a cave bat’s overnight. Besides, I had merely woken from sleep, so why all this commotion? 

Not just Mother, but even the nymphs surrounded my bed, looking down at me. I couldn’t understand what was going on.

“Leave me alone. I can’t breathe.”

My voice had a metallic edge to it. Ugly, like someone who had sobbed for ten days and nights. It sounded so unfamiliar that even I flinched after speaking. 

It must have had a similar effect on Mother. She, who normally wouldn’t acknowledge any of my complaints, was startled and obediently released me.

“I’m sorry, darling. I’m sorry. Here, lie down comfortably. Does anything hurt? Are you hungry?”

I looked at Mother’s face. Though I see it every day, something felt strange. The mother in my memory, the mother who prepared my bed last night, was much more beautiful and dignified than now. 

But now? 

Shadows darkened beneath her eyes and cheekbones, unlike the Demeter without even barley in her hair. She looked like she had come straight from my funeral.

“What is it?”

“Hmm? What do you mean?”

“What happened? What went wrong?”

“Oh, Persephone, my child, nothing went wrong.”

Mother tried to put on a sweet expression and lowered herself to kiss my forehead. Just like she did every night.

“Lies! Look at your face. Go look in a cursed mirror or a spring. You look terrible! Nothing wrong, yet the great Demeter transforms into Limos overnight? Impossible!”

Am I crazy? 

Without realizing it, I roughly pushed her away while simultaneously closing my mouth with a gasp. Though I couldn’t take back what I’d said, I wasn’t sure I wanted to anyway.

Goodness, something definitely happened! Whether I was sick, died and came back to life, or had my soul switched, something happened! Did I really snap at Mother like that? 

I couldn’t believe the caustic words that poured from my mouth, nor the arms that genuinely pushed her away. Me? Showing such insolence to my mother, Demeter!

I saw the faces of the nymphs standing around the bed turn deathly pale. Yes, this was rudeness unimaginable for me, for Persephone!

To be honest, I had imagined it thousands upon thousands of times. I had imagined, as naturally as breathing, the moment I would boldly rebel against my mother who called me daughter, gave me a name suited for a girl, dressed me in women’s clothes, and raised me in confinement. 

But anyone born of a mother would agree. Resisting Mother! It was never as easy as it sounded. 

No matter how much I wanted to, no matter how unfair and suffocating the tyrannical authority I lived under, knowing she gave birth to me and loved me more than anyone else in the world made rebellion as difficult as an ox breaking free from its millstone. 

If it had been even slightly easier, I would have done it long ago.

The resistance I had managed so far amounted to mere discontent, grumbling, and trivial tantrums. I had never raised such fierce objections, like holding out a knife.

My resistance, which burst out before I could even mentally check myself, was more definitive evidence than Mother’s strange behavior or the peculiar silence flooding the room. Something had happened.

“Darling…”

Mother forced a smile. She looked like someone had stuffed stinging nettles into her mouth. Then she awkwardly tidied her disheveled hair, tucking it behind her ear. 

Instead of scolding me for my disrespectful words!

“You were sick for a while. That’s all. It was a very, very severe illness, so it seems you’ve temporarily lost your memories of being ill.”

“I was sick? That’s impossible. I’ve never been sick, have I?”

“That’s right. Now do you understand how shocked I was? I was so distraught I couldn’t even groom myself and just stayed by your side. Just waiting for you to wake up…”

Mother’s hand moved toward my forehead. Though my mind knew I should stay still, the urge to dodge kept rising. I bit the tender flesh inside my mouth and endured her touch.

‘She’s lying. Mother is lying right now!’

Mother always said that mothers possess the power to know whether their children’s words are true or false. But this time, I need to say it. Children can also catch their mothers in lies.

I was sick? What an utterly unconvincing lie. Though I may be treated as Demeter’s virgin daughter, I am still a god’s child. 

I might not have impressive abilities like the great sun and moon siblings, but I couldn’t possibly fall ill. Even if, by some remote chance, I had been struck by some strange curse, it still made no sense. 

How could only my memories from the moment I closed my eyes last night until just now conveniently disappear! 

Illness doesn’t strike all at once but heats slowly like a cauldron hanging over firewood, bubbling and boiling over, so I should at least vaguely recall the time before it worsened.

‘Fine. At least she’s not saying nothing happened. I lost my memory? That means some time has passed. What can conveniently erase someone’s mind from here to there? Did some god curse me out of spite?’

Hmm, that didn’t seem likely, for two reasons. First, I am Demeter’s daughter. Her only child whom she cherishes and protects excessively. 

Though rumors of my beauty may have spread widely, as long as Mother keeps her watchful eyes on me, no one can see me directly. So one cannot harbor grudges against someone they’ve never seen.

Second, my mother is Demeter. Even if I had done something terrible to someone, they wouldn’t dare touch me without being prepared to face my mother. Who would want to incur Demeter’s wrath?

So these two hypotheses were eliminated. Illness and curse.

‘But excluding those two, what else is possible? Why did this happen to me?’

There were no more clues to discover in this situation anyway. Once Mother insisted I had been ill, the nymphs would undoubtedly agree in unison and feign ignorance.

I licked my rough palate with my tongue. Then said in a hoarse voice:

“I want to rest.”

“Of course, you should. Do you need something to drink? Shall Mother bring you something? Food? Would you like barley porridge? Or perhaps grapes to stimulate your appetite? Your body is weakened, you need plenty of rest and nourishment, understand?”

“Mother.”

“Yes, darling?”

“I want to rest alone. By myself.”

The eyes of the nymphs spread out behind Mother grew as large as eggs. I turned my head away. I didn’t want to see whatever expression Mother was making. 

If she became angry, my heart would shrink like a trained dog’s, and if she showed shock and dismay, I would toss and turn with foolish guilt. Distance was the only weapon and answer for standing against Mother. 

I needed to get away from her. I needed to escape far away, to a place where Mother couldn’t find or see me. Somewhere like—

‘But how did I realize this?’

For a moment, my head felt like it was splitting open. But if I made even the slightest groan, I wouldn’t have a chance to be alone for the next 10 years. I bit my lips and barely endured the pain.

“You must be very tired.”

Mother’s voice sounded unfamiliar.

“Kore, my child, you are very ill. That’s why you’re acting so unlike yourself. Mother knows everything. Don’t worry. I understand it all.”

She knows everything?

Knows what?

Only after being left alone in my quarters did I take a deep breath. Only then did the suffocating tightness in my throat seem to ease a bit. I curled up on my side and began to think about the things Mother knew but I didn’t. 

I felt like standing in an open field with only a wooden plow in hand. I had no idea where or how to dig. Besides, I still couldn’t adjust to the sunlight.

“…It’s too bright.”

The thread-like light leaking through and under the curtains pricked me like needles. Even squeezing my eyes shut didn’t make it dark enough for me to feel at ease. 

What’s wrong with me? What had happened to me, who falls asleep and wakes up in the middle of a temple where the lights never go out? 

Wanting it to be darker even with all the windows covered? That makes no sense.

What exactly don’t I know? What have I forgotten?

My pillow grew wet. For no reason, I began to cry.