Chapter 12 (Part 2)

Even as she carefully prepared for the approaching farewell, there was still something she hadn’t clearly decided. She couldn’t figure out how to say her final goodbye to him. 

Should we share a delicious cake together? Chat quietly until dawn? Or hold hands and stroll through the garden again? 

She was deep in thought, sitting quietly on the bed, when suddenly she felt her body lifted. 

“Ah?” 

“Come here, Cordelia.”

Startled, she looked over to see Nathaniel, who had approached her, wrapping her body around his as he lay down. Then he held her face in both hands and kissed her deeply. 

She was happiest when kissing him. She loved the feel of his soft, hot tongue pressing into her, entwining with hers, and the sensation of their saliva mixing so thoroughly that it was hard to tell whose it was. But it was all because he was Nathaniel. Because he was this person. Because she loved him so much. 

She hoped he would remember her like this. 

While they continued their blissful kissing, he suddenly stopped all movement and abruptly pulled away. 

“Ha… Why…?” 

“…” 

“Nathaniel…? What’s wrong?” 

He didn’t answer, only wore a surprised expression. He seemed frozen in place. When she asked again, “What’s wrong?” and touched his cheek, he spoke. 

“You… What is this?” 

“…What?” 

“What’s going on with you right now?” 

Before she could offer any explanation, tears began to fall from his eyes. It felt as if her breath had stopped. 

Now, she remained silent, just staring at him, and he covered her hand that was holding his cheek. Then he held it tightly, as if wanting to press for more answers. 

“No longer does my life force reside in you. Cordelia, what is going on?” 

“Ah…” 

“Cordelia…”

“Ah, well… Nathaniel, it’s…” 

Just as she said those words, tears unexpectedly fell beside her lips. She was crying without realizing it. 

This shouldn’t be happening. She needed to reassure him. She couldn’t let it be revealed so emptily like this… 

But it seemed her answer was enough. His face changed, becoming even sadder with shock. He cried as if he were crumbling. So, she could only push out this one phrase. It wasn’t an excuse, nor a clumsy lie. 

“…I’m sorry.”

It was an apology. 

Then he held her tightly. They cried together, embracing each other for a long time.

After some time, they slowly stopped crying and began to talk. They were still lying together in bed. She, nestled in his arms, started to spill out the words she wanted to say. He, still in shock, remained mostly silent, so she had no choice. 

Still, she didn’t want to waste this moment, which would never come again, as time ticked away. So instead of staying silent, she decided to fill it with her true feelings. 

Most of her words were about the joyful memories they shared. 

The time he came running when she froze in shock after breaking a dish, the time he ate the stew she ruined by accidentally adding sugar instead of salt without complaint, the day they cooked together, the first time he kissed her, the comforting embrace during a thunderstorm, and the moment they cut the cake on their wedding day… 

As she slowly recounted those moments, he held her tighter or occasionally buried his face in her neck and sobbed. 

Then she gradually began to speak of the things they hadn’t achieved. She hadn’t intended to mention them, fearing it would hurt him, but as they talked, it came out. 

She spoke of her curiosity about the taste of the olives from the slow-growing olive tree they never got to eat, her regret at not being able to prepare surprise gifts for each wedding anniversary, and her curiosity about what he would look like in middle and old age. And…

“And not being able to see a child who looks like both of us… I regret that a bit. They would have been so beautiful. I wanted to see you playing with our baby. And us walking hand in hand… or sleeping together as a family.” 

It was something she had wished for so much, but ultimately it hadn’t happened. In truth, it might have been a wish that couldn’t be realized here from the beginning. In this place, not of the living, at the threshold of the afterlife, it wasn’t possible to conceive new life. Especially not with the temporary life force Nathaniel had shared with her. But despite knowing this, she couldn’t help but feel regret. 

She buried her face deeply in his chest and apologized. He, who probably already knew all of this, must have listened to her ignorant complaints with a heavy heart. 

“You’re too kind. You knew it couldn’t happen… Yet you went along with it… loved me… You’re too kind. And I’m sorry. I couldn’t fulfill your dreams. I couldn’t live long with you, couldn’t give you a child… couldn’t grow old with you… I’m really sorry.” 

“What are you sorry for?” 

That’s when he responded. It was the first time she heard his voice in a while. The sound, still soaked in tears, made her heart ache. 

“What do you have to be sorry for?” 

Finally, he lifted his head from where he had been nestled in her embrace. His beautiful face was a mess of tears. As she gently wiped and tidied it, he closed his eyes, resting his cheek against her hand. His quiet words sounded like a confession. 

“Don’t be sorry. I even cherished the moments when we dreamed together. So you don’t have to feel that way. I gained so much more from knowing things I wouldn’t have without you. So it’s okay. I wasn’t kind. I just loved you. That’s why I wanted to share the same dreams. I was happy to be included in your dreams, so I willingly did it.” 

Then he slowly opened his eyes and asked her. 

“Cordelia, are you sad that we met? Do you regret knowing me and being together now?”

His words made her imagine for a moment a world where she had never known him. If she had died without ever truly seeing him, without knowing he existed, she would have been just another soul that quietly faded away. Tears welled up at the thought.

“How could I regret it? If that had happened… I would have been nothing. I met you, was happy because of you, and was always loved. That’s everything to me now, so how could I regret it? I was so happy. Do you think I’m struggling now because I have too many memories? Do you think it would have been better if we hadn’t created these memories from the start? Of course, if that were the case, the path to leaving would be easier. But, Nathaniel… what meaning is there in that? It’s just emptiness. It’s a thought you have when you have nothing in your hands. I don’t want that kind of ease. So even if I had to go back and experience this pain of parting again, I would choose to meet you. It’s much happier than dying without someone to miss.” 

At her words, he gazed at her deeply for a long time. It was like looking at a calm water surface that had just begun to settle but was still on the verge of overflowing. 

“No, I’m not doubting. I just… wondered if you regretted the time we spent together. I was worried I might be leaving you with too much burden and pain. If not, that’s enough. Thank you for saying you’re happy.” 

They kissed deeply again. Soon, she could feel Nathaniel crying. It seemed he had tried once more to save her and failed. After all, for her, whose soul had already begun to scatter, such attempts were like pouring water into a broken vessel. 

So she pulled away briefly and said to him, “Don’t do something foolish. Just kiss me now.” Just enjoy this moment. Soon, it would be something they could never do again. Persuaded, though it pained him, he nodded, agreeing. Then he kissed her again. Truly, he was a kind man until the end. 

“When do you think it will be?” 

“Probably… before the sun fully rises tomorrow.” 

She deliberately shortened the time. It seemed it might be a little later than that, but she wanted him to believe she had disappeared while still by his side. It seemed it would hurt him a little less that way.

But then, unexpectedly, he spoke. 

“Then… let’s move at dawn.” 

“Where are we going…?”  

He suddenly turned his body and looked down at her. It was as if he was about to embrace her deeply. With eyes filled with a desire for conquest, as if he wanted to devour her right then, he asked. 

“Let me ask first. Do you really not regret meeting me? Even if you had to start all over again… would you still meet me?” 

Suddenly, she thought she knew what he intended to do. In his eyes, which now looked directly at her, there was no longer the vague sadness of someone who might lose something. It was proof of a different resolve. Surely, surely he wasn’t planning to follow her… Feeling anxious, she furrowed her brow and spoke. 

“Nathaniel, you’re not….” 

“Don’t ask. Answer me first. Is it really okay if I love you again? Are you confident you can love me again?” 

What should I say? What answer would be the right path for him?