4.2
“Why are you acting like this lately? Did you lack training yesterday? Logan’s doing well, but what’s wrong with you, Leon?”
Contrary to his determination to pull himself together, Leon found himself unable to focus again once he arrived at the training grounds. He hadn’t won a single match in recent sparring sessions, and today was no different.
“I expected more from you as the ace, but you’re a disappointment, Leon. If this is how it’s going to be, quit! Our knight order doesn’t need someone like you.”
The commander, unaware of Leon’s circumstances, erupted in fury. His words were meant to snap Leon out of his daze, but they didn’t reach him.
“Why does your face look worse by the day?”
Even Max, who initially tried to advise him, seemed to have given up.
“I’m fine.”
“Fine, my foot. This is the first time I’ve seen you struggle because of a woman. Do you really love Lady Novary?”
Max shook his head in disbelief.
Love? At that moment, Leon couldn’t grasp the meaning of the word Max was speaking of.
How could he possibly love the woman he had deliberately tried to avoid? Was that even a reasonable thought?
“Ugh. Judging by your expression, you don’t even realize your own feelings. I’ll give you some leave, so take a break. Go find Miss Ellen Novary and beg her, if you must.”
“I can’t do that. Abandoning my duties?”
“You’re no help to anyone these days. The commander’s right; I’m tempted to kick you out of the knight order myself. It’d be better for you to take some time off and come back once you’ve sorted yourself out.”
“How can you…?”
Leon stopped mid-sentence. The gazes of the other knights watching him and Max were filled with confusion and disbelief.
Max was right. In his current state, Leon was of no use to the knight order. A knight who couldn’t wield his sword properly didn’t deserve the title.
So, though Max’s words framed it as “taking a break,” the reality was closer to disciplinary action for his poor attitude.
“Understood.”
In the end, Leon accepted Max’s suggestion and immediately ceased his training. Normally, he would have taken a carriage back to the Guilford estate, but today, he felt like walking alone, so he sent the carriage ahead.
As he trudged along the long road alone, Leon couldn’t stop thinking about Ellen.
How could his life feel so changed just because one person was gone?
It was as if an intense longing for her was pulling him into darkness, like he was being punished for hurting her.
Eventually, the street where he used to walk with Ellen came into view.
Now that he thought about it, he’d never walked hand-in-hand with her in a friendly manner. He’d only matched her pace, walking slightly ahead.
I was such a careless man….
Leon recalled his past attempts to treat Ellen harshly and regretted them. Why had he only thought about breaking up? Since they’d decided to date, he could have been kinder to her.
Instead of pushing her away, he could have opened his heart and tried to get closer to her, but he hadn’t.
At that moment, he noticed the spot where he and Ellen had shared their first kiss. Without realizing it, he had walked to the place where they’d spent time together.
He remembered Ellen boldly kissing him despite his vow not to engage in physical contact.
She fell on me as she tripped….
Leon chuckled to himself.
That clumsy kiss had been the problem. It seemed like his heart started breaking down from that moment onward.
Yes, Ellen, it’s all because of you. Why do you keep invading my mind and scattering my thoughts?
He sat on a bench and closed his eyes. Then, Ellen’s image naturally came to him, as if she were sitting beside him. It was so vivid that he could see her even with his eyes closed, he was in deep trouble now.
Did I love her? Is that why I’m struggling like this, constantly thinking about her?
Leon was confused. He wanted to deny Max’s words.
After all, he had treated her so cruelly…. If he was going to regret it this much, he should have been kinder to her, even a little!
Leon reprimanded himself.
That night, Ellen appeared in his dreams, greeting him with a bright smile. She chattered endlessly, as if she had so much to say.
She laughed loudly, as if something amusing had happened. But when he tried to approach her, her expression turned sorrowful, as though she were about to cry. Then, her figure slowly faded away.
“Ellen!”
Leon woke up, shouting Ellen’s name.
“Ugh.”
Sweating profusely, he sat up in bed.
As always, Ellen had appeared in his dreams. Tonight was no different. The mere three weeks he had spent with Ellen had completely changed him.
“Did you dream about Miss Novary again?”
“….”
Mia, who must have heard Leon’s shout while passing by, clicked her tongue and entered the room. Leon said nothing, staring only at the blanket covering his lower body.
“Haah. Brother, isn’t it time you realized? That’s love.”
Mia spoke with exasperation, pulling back the curtains. Warm sunlight gradually filled the room. As the bright rays hit Leon’s face, he shielded it with his hand and frowned.
“If that’s the case, why don’t you just go and meet Miss Novary? Your heart is as twisted as that frown on your face.”
“Love?”
Mia was echoing the same sentiment as Max.
Who was loving whom here?
“If you keep thinking about her, if she even appears in your dreams, if you can’t forget her—that’s love.”
As Leon continued to look puzzled, Mia gazed at him with pity.
“Ah… so this was love.”
Leon muttered quietly.
Was the reason he struggled so much after she left really because he loved her?
That was it. That was the answer. Yes.
Finally, Leon understood his feelings for Ellen. The emotions he had been too afraid to acknowledge now surged forth like a flood.
Affection. Longing. All kinds of emotions mixed together. But the strongest of all was pain.
Even though she had been rejected twice, Ellen had remained composed. Yet, Leon, who had only been rejected once, was in agony. No, he hadn’t truly been rejected.
The woman who had been rejected by him simply left his side. And now, he was the only one suffering.
“Have you realized it now? Isn’t it a bit late?”
Mia chuckled as she watched Leon clutch his head in torment.
She was right—it was far too late. He had realized it too late, and now, there was no trace of the restrained and noble man he used to be.
The only thing left was the overwhelming desire to see the woman who had left him.
“Mia, you’re right. I need to go find her.”
“Good decision.”
He couldn’t keep wasting time like this. Leon decided, as Mia and Max had suggested, to meet Ellen. Seeing her face might ease his turmoil, even just a little.
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At the end of the episode, this song came to my mind.
Nikâhına beni çağır, sevgilim
İstersen şahidin olurum senin
“Bu adam kim?” diye soran olursa
“Eski bir tanıdık” dersin, sevgilim
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