Chapter 53

Where am I?

The space that had been only white gradually brightened. A familiar scene appeared.

The house where she lived as a child.

And there, she saw her younger self and her parents.

“Dad! Where are we going?”

“A family trip! We’re going to Jeju Island!”

“Wow! Great! Let’s go quickly!”

The look in her parents’ eyes as they gazed at her was so warm. It made her heart ache.

The scene changed, and young Haji rubbed her eyes in the car.

“I’m sleepy, where are we going so early?”

“We’re going to the mountains. We saw the ocean plenty yesterday. Let’s go to the mountains where the air is fresh.”

“Mountains?”

When Haji, whose eyes were half-closed, asked again at the mention of mountains, her mother gently stroked her cheek.

“Yes, a mountain that smells as good and has flowers as pretty as our Haji.”

Her mother’s touch and tone were softer and warmer than she vaguely remembered.

“Haji, look here! Mom will take a picture!”

“Dear, stand next to Haji. I’ll take a picture.”

“Our princess, look here!”

Moments with her parents passed by like a short video. In all those moments, her parents loved her.

“Shall we go to the tangerine farm now, our princess?”

“I wanted to stay longer with the pretty oppa.”

“If you say that already, Dad will be sad. Please keep Dad as your number one for now.”

Seeing her dad pout like he was really sad, Haji rolled her eyes as if contemplating.

“Then carry me to the car!”

“Sure! If our princess only looks at Dad, that’s nothing!”

“Wow! Mom, look! Dad lifted me high!”

“Dear, that’s dangerous!”

Young Haji laughing brightly in her Dad’s arms and her Mom looking worriedly at them.

“It’s raining?”

As soon as they got in the car, it started to rain as if it had been waiting.

“Can’t we go to the tangerine farm?”

Haji mumbled with a disappointed tone as raindrops formed on the window.

“I wanted to go.”

“Let’s call while we’re on the way. It might stop raining as we go.”

“Yeah! Call them!”

Her Dad, who started driving, nodded at Haji’s bright voice through the rearview mirror.

“If we can’t go today, Dad will bring you again next time.”

“Really? Will you pick a lot of tangerines for me?”

“Of course! Dad will do everything Haji asks!”

Her Dad kindly looked at Haji through the rearview mirror, answering her persistent questions.

Haji also knew and looked at her Dad’s eyes through the rearview mirror.

“Right! My dad is my hero!”

Haji’s infinite trust made her Dad shrug his shoulders.

“Dear, my phone is in the bag, find the saved number and call them.”

“Got it.”

“Hurry, hurry!”

At Haji’s urging, her Mom reached for the phone, and her Dad glanced at the rearview mirror.

“Dear, I found it, but the number, dear! In front!”

After her Mom’s urgent shout, the car began to shake. To the point where nothing was visible.

“Haji!”

With her Mom’s voice calling her, she was pulled into her arms. The feeling of bumping and jolting was felt through her Mom’s body.

It was scary. Her Mom’s body shook helplessly.

In the dark vision, there was nothing to see, only terrifying sounds to hear.

Screech! Screech!

She didn’t know how many times she heard such horrible sounds. The wheels dragged on the ground, and the car spun around.

Amidst that, her Dad’s voice was heard. Not the bright voice she’d heard so far, but calm and low.

“Dear. Haji. I’m sorry.”

She remembered.

It was the last look her Dad had for her.

Those words were the last.

No, Dad.

Don’t be sorry. Don’t say that.

Dad, don’t say that to me.

Please. Please.

She didn’t know how long that shaking and terrifying darkness continued.

She waited, unable to move, held tightly in her Mom’s arms, unable to open her eyes.

Crash! Bang! Thud!

With a big shock, everything stopped.

Silence flowed as if everything had ended.

“Mom…”

Only then did her Mom’s arms, which had been holding her tightly as if they wouldn’t let go, loosen.

“Mom…?”

It was quiet, as if the commotion just now was a lie.

“Dad…?”

She felt her Mom’s body, which was over hers, gradually grow cold.

“I’m scared.”

“…”

“I don’t have to go to the tangerine farm…”

In the suffocating silence, the child’s sobbing echoed. No one answered the small voice.

No one hugged the trembling child.

No one embraced her.

“I’m scared.”

I’m so scared.

I’m scared.

“Dad, hug me.”

You’re my number one.

You’re my hero.

“Mom, Dad…”

Click.

The tightly closed car door slowly opened. As the rain came inside, red blood spread on the floor.

At the same time, the cool air allowed her to breathe.

“Ha…”

***

“Haji!”

She saw the face of the person desperately calling and holding her.

“…Oppa.”

“Are you okay?”

“It was because of me.”

It was because of me that my parents died.

Tears fell from Haji’s eyes. Drip, drip. Heavily.

The sound of her small gasping breaths was pitiful. Seeing her crying without making a sound, Seojin pulled Haji’s body into a hug.

“No, it wasn’t because of you.”

It’s okay, it’s okay.

His voice lingered around, but Haji’s tears didn’t stop.

Through the gradually subsiding rain, an ambulance was visible. Just like that day.

***

Haji hesitated as she entered Seojin’s house.

“Stay with me for a while.”

At Seojin’s words, Haji bit her lip.

She had no physical issues since she fainted just before hitting the car. But after receiving several tests at the hospital due to Seojin’s insistence and hearing that there was nothing wrong, she came here.

“Hmm? Haji, stay with me.”

At Seojin’s coaxing words, Haji took off her shoes without answering. She didn’t have the strength or the will to continue arguing with him.

She just wanted to rest. 

No, do I even deserve to rest?

“Wash up first. Your body is cold.”

Having run in the rain and fainted, Haji’s appearance was a mess. Even though Seojin had turned on the heater while going back and forth to the hospital, it couldn’t tidy up her appearance.

Haji dropped the blanket she had been wrapped in and headed to the bathroom.

Seojin grabbed Haji’s wrist.

“Can you do it alone?”

She met Seojin’s eyes, which looked at her with anxiety. As if he didn’t want to let her go alone, he slowly clasped Haji’s hand.

Feeling the intention of this person trying to protect her, something welled up inside her.

Why me?

Haji twisted her hand free. After her fingers slipped from his grip, Seojin’s brows furrowed slightly. Then Haji’s fingertips touched Seojin’s chest.

“What about you?”

Haji’s rough voice slipped out between her dry lips. Directed towards Seojin, who didn’t take care of himself while getting soaked in the rain and going back and forth to the hospital because of her, despite being in a state of severe injury.

“I’m fine.”

“You told me not to just say ‘I’m fine’, but you say you’re fine every time.”

A small breath slipped from Seojin’s lips. Gripping Haji’s hand that touched his body, he pressed it firmly against his chest.

Thump, thump, his heartbeat was felt.

“I’m fine. As long as I’m with you, I’m fine.”

“Why…”

Haji’s trembling pupils looked at him, and her fingertips quivered. Then, swallowing with a scratchy throat, she looked at the hand he held.

“Why do you like me?”

“No, it’s more than that feeling.”

“…”

I want you to lean on and rely on me completely.

If this is also love.

“It must be love. If your existence is more precious to me than myself, isn’t this love?”

It wasn’t a question. He said there was no other word to describe such feelings.

Even if it wasn’t, it didn’t matter.

Haji’s fingertips tightened. She tried to hold Seojin’s hand lightly.

“It feels cowardly, but I want to lean on you now. You say you love me, so I want to rely on you.”

“That’s what I want.”

So don’t feel guilty.

Because I’m the one who made you cowardly.

***

The wide shower booth, where water was falling from the showerhead, was filled with dense steam. The stream of water soaking their bodies flowed down the drain as the soles of their feet intertwined.

“Mm!”

Their lips, ignoring the water pouring down from above, pressed deeply against each other, sucking each other in.

The tongue that pushed between their teeth was as soft and stimulating as ever. As Haji’s head tilted, the tongue delved deeper, making a wet sound as it extended further.

The sound of their lips clashing was so loud that it drowned out the sound of falling water.

“Ha…”

As she exhaled her rising breath with a slight gasp, Seojin’s hand swept through her wet hair.

“Haji.”

“I’m okay.”

I’m okay. Just do it. Please.

Haji reached out and wrapped her arms around Seojin’s head. Asking him to hold her.

She wanted to feel the warmth of a person. She wanted to believe that the heart of this man who said he loved her was hers.

Their lips met again, and their bodies drew closer. The mass pushing into her open lips was hot. The tip of the tongue, gliding smoothly, brushed against her lower lip.

As her breathless mouth parted slightly, the tongue swept over her teeth and sharply pressed deeper. Taking a deep breath, their tongues intertwined.

Seojin swallowed even her shattered breaths as he fiercely grasped her waist, pulling his almost bursting body close.