Chapter 69

As Haji recounted the events of that day, she bit her lip. Before her lips turned white and cracked, she continued speaking.

“That was the last time.”

After cruelly kicking her out, all she was given was 5 million won. It was probably the first time she had touched her aunt’s hand, which was rough and cracked from hard labor.

All that remained when she was thrown into the cold world was the warmth of that touch and the money.

So she worked harder and tried to forget.

But.

“I guess I couldn’t forget. As soon as I saw her, I felt resentment.”

The image of her aunt, who abandoned her while tending to the uncle who used to beat her, made her stomach churn. She had to leave the place.

Seojin silently pulled Haji into his arms. She buried her face in his embrace.

“Even though I’m such a miserable person, is it okay?”

Are you really okay with someone like me?

She felt pathetic for repeatedly having the same worries and sorry for Seojin, who was watching her like this.

“It’s okay.”

His voice resonated in her ear, as usual.

“And you won’t be unhappy. Because I’ll be there.”

Your misfortune isn’t your fault.

She nodded at his voice, which seemed to be whispering to himself.

“Yeah…….”

It’s not my fault.

I’m not alone anymore. I will be happy.

***

The next day, Haji got out of the taxi and took a deep breath. Her steps into the university hospital felt heavier than the day before.

“It’s something that has to happen eventually.”

What she resolved in Seojin’s arms last night was to overcome it herself.

To face and organize her pain.

That would be the dignity she could show to those who love her.

Haji entered the hospital and headed first to the bathroom where she had encountered her aunt the day before.

“It should be this floor…….”

Walking down the hallway, she checked the patient names on the doors. She could have asked a nurse, but she didn’t want any misunderstandings.

Click, click, her flat shoes echoed halfway down the hallway before coming to a stop.

“How did you find your way here?”

“I wanted to hear something.”

Her aunt, who was cleaning up her uncle’s meal, was holding a tray. She looked like she hadn’t even managed to eat a meal herself.

“Just wait a moment.”

When Haji nodded, her aunt quickly turned around, placed the tray down, and wiped her hands on her clothes. Her heart ached at the sight.

“Let’s go, let’s talk outside.”

“Yes.”

***

The two sat together on a bench in the park in front of the hospital, away from the ward.

“How have you been?”

It was her aunt who broke the silence.

“Were you curious?”

“What? Of course…….”

It was the same. Her aunt couldn’t even meet her eyes properly, just like when she left the house.

“Why didn’t you just act tough?”

“… I was ashamed.”

“Then you should have treated me better.”

Her aunt’s attitude, which was neither here nor there, was always just a tormenting hope for her.

“I’ve been living well. I’m doing well.”

“I’m glad. After sending you off like that…….”

Again, again.

Seeing her aunt’s head droop in a pretense of guilt, Haji took a small breath.

“You were the one who kicked me out. Don’t act like you were forced.”

“Yes, I did. I had no choice.”

Her aunt mumbled in a small voice, clenching her chapped hands tightly.

Watching her, Haji pressed her lower lip and tried to turn her gaze.

She was filled with the desire to see the depths of someone who didn’t give her affection or care.

“Was it because you got caught taking my parents’ insurance money?”

Her aunt’s head jerked up from the ground. The wrinkles around her eyes deepened as her pupils widened, as if she had thought her secret was safe.

Her uncle had discovered the insurance money, so there was no longer a reason to raise her. That was the only reason he had tolerated her presence.

“Ho-how did you know?”

“I found out when I entered high school. I saw the insurance certificate while cleaning.”

It contained the information that her aunt had received Haji’s parents’ death insurance money. As a proxy.

At the time, she was surprised but thought it was understandable since they were the ones taking care of her. Though she always had doubts.

“What did you do with all that money?”

The whereabouts of a considerable amount of money.

With that money, they wouldn’t have needed to work every day.

“Where did all that money go?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Auntie…….”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not asking for the money. I’m just asking where it went.”

She never thought of asking for it back, nor did she consider it her money.

“Your uncle had a lot of private loans. So…….”

“All of it?”

“…… Yes.”

Hearing that her parents’ death insurance money was all spent on paying off her uncle’s private loans made her dizzy.

“You might as well…….”

Haji swallowed and tried to remain calm.

“You might as well have run away with that money.”

“Your uncle collapsed not long after you left.”

Haji closed her eyes tightly. Her eyelashes trembled.

“Even after being beaten like that, you were worried about him? He shouted for money every day, hit you, drank every day!”

“But he’s the only family I have.”

“Ha…….”

Haji pressed her lower lip with her teeth. She could feel the corners of her lips trembling.

“Yes, he was your only family.”

She was angry. Angry at herself for still being hurt by such words.

“I tried so hard to be your family…….”

“I was too incompetent…”

“…….”

“I’m sorry.”

“When you decided to abandon me, did you hesitate? Did you ever think you didn’t want to? Did you know I was a teen at that time?”

Haji’s grievances poured out of her mouth. Her aunt’s words calling the man who tormented her throughout her life family were too frustrating.

She knew they didn’t consider her family, but confirming it again hurt.

“How could I have the right to think of you as family?”

“You abandoned me. You abandoned me because you didn’t think of me that way.”

She wasn’t family, so she was abandoned, yet she said she had no right.

“If I hadn’t sent you away back then, your uncle might have taken you somewhere terrible. So, that’s why I did it.”

I had no choice.

Seeing her aunt crying tears that fell like rain, Haji bit her lip.

“You know what he’s like when he drinks. And you were almost an adult, and he thought you were unnecessary once he got the insurance money.”

“So you sent me away?”

“At the time, I thought that was the best.”

Watching her tears fall like a torrent, Haji turned her head sharply.

“I was young then…….”

“Later, as time passed, I regretted it. I shouldn’t have sent you away like that.”

“…….”

Haji looked at her aunt’s face once, her hands once, and then the shoes that had caught her eye from the beginning.

Her eyes swept over her aunt, who had aged much more than her last memory.

“I didn’t want to see you again.”

“I see…….”

“I hoped you wouldn’t live well.”

“I see…….”

Watching her aunt wipe her face with swollen, blistered hands, Haji’s eyes filled with gentle moisture.

“But I didn’t wish for you to live like this.”

Haji’s gaze lingered on her aunt’s sneakers. They were the same ones she had when she left the house.

Now they were so worn out and full of holes that they were beyond repair. It wouldn’t be strange to throw them away immediately.

“I didn’t wish for you to live like this, unable to buy even a pair of sneakers.”

“These are…….”

“If you got the insurance money, you should have spent a little on yourself.”

If her aunt had, she would have hated her more.

She would have cursed her aunt for being the person who abandoned her.

“Seeing you live like this, I can’t do anything.”

“I’m sorry…….”

“No. I’ll stop hearing that too.”

Shaking her head, Haji tightly gripped the small bag next to her waist.

“I’ll ask you one last thing.”

“…….”

“Was the reason you took me home because of the insurance money?”

Was that the only purpose from the beginning?

She had always wondered. But she was afraid that confirming it would destroy her, so she didn’t want to confirm it. She wanted to run away forever.

She didn’t want to confirm that no one loved her.

In response to Haji’s question, her aunt shook her head and rubbed her eyes.

“It wasn’t like that. I couldn’t let go of your hand back then. You might think it’s a lie, but I found out about the insurance money later.”

“…… That’s enough.”

Haji stood up lightly, as if without regret.

“I’m living for myself. So I’m happy. So, Auntie, live for yourself too.”

As Haji turned her back and took a step, her aunt sprang up from her seat.

“Haji! I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being so cruel to you. Forget it all and live happily.”

I will. I will live happily.

Haji turned her body to face her aunt one last time.

“But I won’t forget. Because I will love myself from that time too.”

I will love every moment of myself.