“Goodness! Miss, where have you been at this hour, and why are you cry! Goodness!”

The nanny, who had been waiting anxiously for Lisette to return well into the night, came rushing down the stairs with a horrified look on her face. Never mind the clothes caked in dirt and mud, and never mind the disheveled hair.

“Why is your, your face….”

The tear tracks clearly visible even in the dark, and Lisette’s swollen face, made the nanny stammer. She couldn’t even bring herself to reach out properly as her gaze swept over Lisette in a rush. But even in the face of the nanny’s worry, Lisette pressed her lips shut. She quietly gripped the railing and climbed the stairs one step at a time, each step a struggle.

“Miss, let me support you….”

“It’s fine.”

Her swaying body looked ready to collapse at any moment, and the nanny reached out toward her. But Lisette refused her and stepped back, shaking her head.

“I’m all right, I can go up on my own.”

“But….”

At the cold refusal, the nanny drew her outstretched hand back and stepped away as Lisette wished. But the nanny’s presence lingered, restless, reaching out and then pulling back in hesitation, all the way up the stairs and along the wall to the bedroom door.

Even so, Lisette never once looked back at her.

Because if she looked at the nanny, she would want to lean on her.

Like that day, three years ago.

‘Miss, tell me. I won’t tell a soul.’

‘Trust only me.’

Those deceptive words rang too vividly in her ears. Lisette bit her lip and took hold of the door handle.

“Miss. What’s wrong, what happened….”

“I’m going to sleep. Don’t wake me tomorrow morning either.”

“What? Miss? No, why, what happened. Tell this nanny of yours….”

The nanny had followed her all the way to the bedroom door and was determined to push her way inside. Lisette left the door slightly ajar and turned around.

“…….”

But even under Lisette’s silent, steady gaze, the nanny smiled faintly, unbothered, and tried to soothe her.

“Why is our miss so upset? Come now, just tell me quietly….”

“I don’t want to, Nanny.”

She shook her head at the nanny, who was fussing and smiling her easy smile. At that refusal, or more precisely at that flat rejection, the nanny seemed to take a blow, her smile freezing in place. The faint trembling in her eyes, the quick glance up at Lisette followed by a gaze that turned away instead, all of it told Lisette that she had been hurt.

But right now she had no room to tend to the nanny’s hurt. She just wanted to hide somewhere alone where no one could find her.

If only there were somewhere else to go back to.

‘To the point where I wouldn’t want to come back.’

Lisette, wanting to be alone, turned her back on the nanny and went inside.

“Sorry. See you tomorrow, Nanny.”

“But….”

She closed the door right in front of the nanny’s parted lips.

“Haa.”

Only after she had hidden herself completely in that darkness did she let out a breath.

The thick curtains drawn against the moonlight, and the candle burning just dim enough to make out the outlines of things. The familiar darkness brought her a sense of relief, and Lisette leaned her back against the door and slid down until she sat on the floor.

If her mother had seen this, she would have gotten an earful about how unladylike it was, but here, with no one around.

‘There’s no one to say anything.’

Even if she cried.

In the perfect silence that filled her ears, she pulled her knees to her chest. She drew them up tight against her chest and curled her whole body into a small ball, and for some reason grief welled up inside her.

“Hng.”

She bowed her head and buried her face in her knees.

She hated him so much.

She hated him so much.

She hated him so much she never wanted to see him again. And yet the fact that she couldn’t shake him loose felt so wretched, so unbearably wretched, that her throat seemed to close.

And at the same time, she hated herself.

She hated herself most of all for letting things come to this.

If she could, if God truly offered her a single wish, she wanted to turn back time.

To that day, three years ago.

She wanted to go back.

Back to when she had not yet shown him her feelings. Back to when she had not yet known his. Back to when nothing had happened yet.

She wanted to undo the moment she had acted too hastily.

‘Right, if only she could.’

She felt she could give up everything for it. If she could put everything back where it belonged and let everyone be happy….

She bit her lip.

But what was done was done, and now, three years later, she could not turn back time. And she could not hold on forever to a moment that had already ended.

‘Right.’

Was all of this not her own fault?

There was no one to resent, no reason to hate anyone. If she was going to hate someone, she had to hate herself, and if she was going to resent someone, she had to resent herself.

‘Everything was my choice, and my fault. Leon simply got caught up in my wrong choices.’

So she had no right to hate him.

Had she not been the one to betray him first?

‘I have no right to resent him either.’

Lisette thought back to what she had done three years ago, let out a hollow breath, and lifted her head. Her gaze fell on the angel figurine sitting on the bedside table.

‘Miss! Look at this! They say this angel figurine grants wishes.’

It was a figurine she had bought from a vendor outside a nearby temple the year after Leon came to her side, when she had gone to worship. They said the number of wishes you could make depended on how much you donated. Looking back now, it sounded a little like a swindle, but Leon had believed every word of it at the time, and he had spent every coin he had saved to buy the figurine and held it out to her.

‘They say you can make two wishes.’

‘I’ll give both of them to you, Miss.’

Leon, who said two wishes were possible, gave them all to her. She had told him she couldn’t take his wishes, that she would give one back to him, but he refused to hear it.

‘I’m fine. Your wishes are my wishes, Miss.’

At those words she could no longer refuse, and she pressed her hands together in front of the figurine.

‘Please let me stay with Leon forever.’

‘Please let me be happy with Leon forever.’

They were the wishes of a seven-year-old child, squeezing out the best way she could think of for everyone to be happy.

Because if Leon was happy, she could be happy too.

And because those wishes had been so precious to her, she had kept the figurine close, intending to hold onto it until the day they came true.

But.

‘That was all a lie too.’

Because now she could neither stay with him forever nor be happy with him forever. Lisette thought of the wish that could never come true, rose to her feet, and picked up the figurine.

‘It’s time to wake up from the dream.’

She walked to the fireplace and threw the figurine inside.

The white figurine, now gray and covered in ash, sat crookedly on the pile of cinders. She bit her lip at the sight, and just then, with a crack, the figurine shattered before her eyes, and a rush of blue flame swallowed it whole.

Lisette’s eyes flew wide with shock, and in that instant a pain tore through her like a knife stabbing her heart, and her whole body shook so badly she couldn’t hide it. She clutched her chest and crumpled to the floor.

‘Who, who is….’

The thought that she might die right here crossed her mind, and she clenched her lips shut and curled into herself. At the edge of her vision, the figurine stared back at her.

Save me.

But before her lips could even move, everything went dark.

She lost consciousness.

* * *

How much time had passed?

Lisette’s eyes fluttered open. But her eyelids pressed down too heavily to open properly. Her mouth was dry against the blurred, hazy white in front of her.

‘Water.’

Her lips moved. But no one heard the faint movement, and Lisette, eyes still closed, lazily swung her right hand out toward where the bell pull should have been. But there was nothing where her hand should have found it. She waved her hand through the air and opened her eyes halfway, and then…

“Shall I give you some water, Miss?”

“!”

The bed suddenly dipped as though something had pressed down on it. Then a low voice followed, and Lisette opened her eyes a little wider.

‘Who….’

But before she could make out who was beside her, someone set down a glass of water with a quiet thud and gently lifted her chin. Then lips pressed against hers.

She was thinking that it smelled like cool night air when the soft, full lips sealed against hers parted. Sweet water flowed in through the gap and touched her lips. Even as the clear water pooled in her mouth and slid down her throat, the cool, fresh scent of it made Lisette’s head tilt upward, chasing the lips.

‘A little more.’

But the moment her lips moved, the warmth pulled away, and Lisette ran the tip of her tongue over her lips. It was not enough to ease the dryness in her throat from the fever.

‘I want to drink a little more.’

Still hazy with sleep, she looked up, and a stranger’s fingertips touched her lips. The gentle touch, somewhere between wiping away the moisture and simply brushing across them, made Lisette open her eyes a little wider.

“Shall I give you more?”