Scalding water poured from the shower head.

As instructed, I took the brush and scrubbed every inch of my body. After scrubbing myself raw, I rinsed off the soap suds and discovered that my skin was flushed red and stinging. The pain was intense, but I kept scrubbing harder and harder.

‘Why… why am I letting Jurgen treat me this way?’

Even when I brushed roughly against myself, I couldn’t stop thinking about why he was being so cruel, and whether there was even a reason.

I was terrified. What terrified me more than anything was the uncertainty, the inability to fathom his motives.

I sank to the tiled floor, gripping the brush tightly. The torrent of water blurred my vision, turning it into a white haze. I was afraid of him. I was afraid to step outside or share his bed, and I was terrified by the absurd demand he had made of me.

Could he really have meant it when he asked me to die for him? It couldn’t have been real. If he hated me enough to kill me, why would he propose to me? He wouldn’t actually kill me. But then why say such a thing?

Everything was unravelling. Nothing that had happened in the past two days made sense.

I was so afraid. The fear of what was about to come shook me more than my grief for my brother’s death. Anger was easier to bear than grief, and grief was easier to bear than fear. But now I felt all three at once, and it was unbearable.

I had only just begun to settle back into life. After so many years of hardship, wasn’t it finally time for some peace? I had smoothed out the ridges of my life time and again, but why wouldn’t it ever stay that way?

Yesterday, I learned that my eldest brother had died. Today, it seemed that I was about to be forced to give my body to Jürgen.

It would be my first time. I had never slept with a man before. Not because I was saving myself, but because I could never have imagined giving myself away like this — being forced and violated.

I lowered my hand between my thighs. The flesh there felt strange beneath my touch: damp, soft, and unfamiliar. Even the lightest touch made me shiver.

I pressed my stiffened finger inside, harshly dragging my nail against the tender walls. There was no pleasure, only raw, searing pain that forced a groan from my lips. Still, I did not stop.

If someone was going to take me, I would destroy myself first. It was better to ruin it myself than let him take it from me.

My movements grew frantic. I clawed at myself from the inside, desperate to tear through the barrier. How? Where? What angle would break it?

In that moment, the bathroom door swung open.

Jürgen entered.

Perched awkwardly on the edge of the tub, I glared at him through falling tears, my hand still frozen between my legs.

“If it’s blood you wanted so badly…”

His mocking tone sent shivers down my spine.

He took a towel from the shelf and slowly approached me. Pulling me to my feet, he began to wipe my drenched body dry. His touch felt strange and unusual. Treating me as though I were a piece of art, he carefully dried my hair, face, limbs, br*asts and the area between my legs, rubbing firmly as he went.

Gooseflesh rose over my entire body. I stood there, frozen to the spot, unable to resist, while he moved his hands over my n*ked body.

When he had finished to his satisfaction, he pressed his mouth to mine. His damp flesh pried its way inside, tasting me. The sharp sting of toothpaste filled my senses. I couldn’t breathe.

“Mm—uugh…!”

I struggled, trying to push him off, but he grabbed a handful of my hair. Pinned in place, I felt his tongue force its way in, sweeping over my teeth and entwining with mine, while he showered me with relentless attention. He swallowed greedily, gulp after gulp, prolonging the kiss until it felt endless.

I kept my eyes open and remained as still as a corpse.

When he finally broke away, I staggered back in terror. I wanted to run.

“And you cried like this… over a kiss?”

A cruel smile curved his mouth.

“Was it your first?”

I couldn’t nod or shake my head.

“So I’m your first lover. How unfortunate.”

He was dry and detached — a far cry from the man who had just kissed me so feverishly. There was no trace of lust or passion in his ashen eyes.

Jürgen wrapped me in a large towel, lifted me easily and carried me to his bed.

The moment I lay down, the immaculately pressed sheets became rumpled and the order was undone. The symmetry of the room was shattered, just like its master.

Finally, signs of excitement showed on his barren face. As he leaned towards me, I scrambled backwards across the bed.

“Are you frightened?”

“Not at all.”

There were times when I wore a lot of make-up. With thick eyeliner and bright red blusher, I could hide the fact that I was only twenty years old. As a woman living alone, I couldn’t afford to be underestimated. Perhaps my boldness was just a survival instinct.

“I’ve already been spread by all kinds of men. Do you think this is anything new?”

It was bravado again. As he drew closer, I broke out in a cold sweat. I dragged myself back across the bed, reaching the headboard and squeezing my eyes shut as I felt his hand move towards my face.

Jürgen let out a low laugh. It was a sound that made my skin crawl.

For a moment, he pulled away. Was he going to stop? I dared to hope. But then he opened the drawer beside the bed and took something out.

A blindfold.

When he approached me again, I flinched away from his touch. I wanted to jump off the bed and run. But in an instant, his weight bore me down. His hands pinned my wrists. I thrashed around, but he didn’t budge as he climbed over me.

“Behave, and it will be over quickly.”

When he seized my chin, darkness fell. My chest sank and I was overcome with a cold dread. I felt as though I had been thrown into the depths of the ocean. My instincts took hold and I clawed and struck out at him.

But he merely gathered my wrists together and bound them with ease.

“Take it off. Take the blindfold off now!”

I fought against his brutal grip, desperate to free myself.

“Better this than staring at my face while we f*ck, isn’t it?”

He flipped me over, dragging my arms behind my back. A moment later, rough cord cinched around my wrists.

“Wh-what are you doing!?”

He pressed me down, my body struggling beneath his, then lowered his lips to my ear. His hot breath lingered there, searing against my skin.

“Been spread by plenty of men, have you?”

He nipped at the edge of my ear.

“Ever taken them dry?”

“Jur—”

“I don’t intend to waste time with f*replay.”

His calloused hand swept down the nape of my neck, then crushed my br*ast in his palm.

“They say the blind live with their other senses heightened.”

His thumb began to roll across my n*pple. The shame burned like fire.

“Now that you’re blind, show me. Get wet.”

“I… I can’t. Not yet. Please, give me more time. Please…”

“Then act like the wh*re you are. You’re spreading your legs for me, aren’t you—trading your brothers’ lives for the price of your body.”

“…What did you just say?”

His voice brimmed with hatred. Stripped bare beneath him, I felt as though he intended to tear me apart, piece by piece.

I couldn’t understand. For three years, I had believed that we got along well enough. Why now? Why this?

“Why…?”

I had given him no reason to hate me. I had never done anything to earn his wrath.

“Why do you hate me?”

With my eyes covered, I couldn’t see his expression. However, I could vividly imagine him either gazing down at my despair with detached amusement, or wearing that same barren mask and mocking me.

“Does hatred need a reason?”

His large, unyielding hand slid over my lower stomach.

“They say love has no reason, either.”

I thrashed around in a panic, desperate to escape. I didn’t want to have s*x with Jürgen. Not even the memory of my family in the concentration camps could make me forget how terrified I was.

But resistance was useless. My wrists were bound, he towered over me and I was unable to fight back.

He forced me onto my back again and pinned me down, then seized my ankles and spread my legs wide. I felt the cold air brushing against the part of me that had always remained closed.

Tap, tap — his fingers toyed with me, taunting and mocking. This grotesque touch sent me spiralling into a state of panic.

“Just do it!”

The cry tore from my throat like a scream.

“Just f*ck me faster!!”

He gripped my slim hips and held me down. Then he lowered himself and began licking obsessively and greedily between my thighs. The room was filled with the obscene sounds of his relentless licking.

With my sight taken away, my other senses became more acute as he claimed me. My skin burned with sensitivity and every touch felt magnified to the point of being almost unbearable.

“Uh…”

A moan slipped through my clenched teeth. The longer he worked on me, the tighter my toes curled. Sensations jolted upwards, sharp as lightning, and my hips bucked uncontrollably. I clutched the sheets and trembled from head to toe.