To my wife, Elisabeth—

Are you still alive? 

Not knowing where you are, I remain trapped in this endless night. 

Elisabeth, I ask you with all my heart – 

Are you still alive? 

It’s been ten days since you left, 

and I haven’t heard a word from you. 

There’s nothing left in me to burn. 

And I know I have no right to ask you for anything… 

Elisabeth, I don’t dare ask you to come back. 

My sin is too grave. 

But please, just live. 

Live so I can at least say I’m sorry. 

So I can spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you.

I’ll be leaving Antmaren soon. 

Even this desolate ruin is coming to an end. 

I’ll probably return to the palace of Moerne – the place where I was born, where I grew up. 

Henri Philippe de Jalbert is no longer king. 

Everything is beginning to return to where it belongs. 

They say he’ll be sent to a monastery. 

Just as he once locked us both away and branded us heretics. 

But I feel no joy. 

How can I, when you’re not here? 

Without you, I have only sorrow – that much is natural. 

The promise I made still stands: 

That I would bring you back when I claimed the throne. 

Though perhaps it means nothing now, 

Not if you’ve already forgotten.

I went through several bottles of cognac last night. 

I couldn’t sleep, haunted by dreams of wandering endlessly around your grave. 

There’s no other way to forget, no other way to escape than to drink. It’s all I have now. 

And yet, even through the haze, I see you. 

You appear again and again – 

Crying… falling to your knees… biting your lips… 

Tears flowing like a river 

and you sinking beneath it.

It must have been me who made you cry. 

I know that. 

And I know that I have no right to ask for your forgiveness. 

After my meeting with the Archbishop, I’m going straight to the front – 

A place of fire and steel, a place so forsaken that even God won’t look upon it. 

Do I sound like I’m begging for mercy? 

Perhaps I am. 

But more than that, I want you to resent me. I want you to hate me.

Hate me with all your might, as I have always done. 

For even hatred is a privilege only the living can possess. 

So please, stay alive. 

So I can beg for your forgiveness. 

So I can fall on my knees before you again and again. 

The truth is, I miss you – so much it’s driving me mad. 

But I can’t go mad. Not anymore. 

If this is my punishment, then I will take it. 

The gold insignia hangs on the mirror. 

The ministers call me Your Majesty. 

And the reins of a million war horses are in my hands.

I’m surrounded by everything I ever wanted. 

I could even say that I have everything… 

And yet it feels like I’m living with a bullet in my heart. 

Elisabeth, you’re the only one who’s missing. 

If I were the reckless man I once was, I’d tell you – I want you to come back. 

But… is it too late? 

If this is punishment, then perhaps I deserve it.

I miss you. 

All I want is to see you – just once, to hold you in my eyes, just for a moment. 

I feel I’ll die without you. 

No death could be more beautiful than this. 

This longing is so deep that I can hardly stand. 

Elisabeth, I miss you. 

Please… 

Please, I miss you so much it’s tearing me apart. 

I’m losing my mind. 

From Antmaren, without you… 

Arnaud Alexandre de Jalbert.