[Then I’ll love you! This much, tons!]

At the solution the girl offered, the child unconsciously held his breath. Though he wished to be loved, he didn’t know exactly what that was. 

He just thought it meant thinking of someone from waking to sleeping, wanting to share delicious food together, always staying by their side, wanting to see their smiling face, wanting to hold and be held tight. Something like that.

It was surely such a tremendous thing that he couldn’t dare ask for it from Mother, much less anyone else. Yet this girl, just like she’d shown him kindness without any purpose, promised him love for no reason at all.

This unbelievably amazing promise made him as happy as Mother’s promise, so the child almost pulled the girl into a tight embrace.

If he hadn’t lost sight of the child while briefly distracted by Father’s appearance, he surely would have.

“Father!”

“Good heavens. You’ve been waiting here alone?”

“No! Not alone, I was here with a friend… Huh?”

The child, who’d turned around brightly, stopped speaking. On the wide stone where he’d sat with the girl, only traces of cleared snow remained—it was completely empty.

“She was definitely here with me…”

“Your friend must have gone back first.”

“But…”

‘I didn’t even say goodbye or that we’d meet again.’

The child’s body, frantically looking around, soon floated up into the air. 

Held in Father’s arms, the child touched the white handkerchief wrapped around the back of his hand. The soft texture of cloth felt vivid over the burning sensation.

“You can come back to see your friend again, so let’s return to the carriage for now.”

“…Yes.”

Father furrowed his brow seriously, saying his body was ice-cold. It was certainly cold enough to make his jaw tremble, but one corner of his heart felt warm, like wearing several layers of clothes.

The child could sense that this warmth would remain for a long time, as long as the girl’s promise existed.

* * *

After finishing the short schedule in the capital and returning, Julian immediately asked the butler for stationery. He pressed his pen firmly onto the white, smooth premium paper and wrote a letter.

However, the diligently written letter was never sent. Because he didn’t know where the girl lived, much less her name. He showed the only clue, the handkerchief, to butler Harry, the smartest person he knew, but he only shook his head with a troubled face.

As unsent letters piled up neatly in the drawer, winter’s end finally approached.

“Your birthday’s tomorrow, right?”

At the sudden question, Julian’s head shot up from being buried in a book. Royden, his only friend and butler Harry’s grandson, was rolling around on the opposite sofa. With Julian’s precious book under his head as a pillow, no less.

But Julian had no time to get angry about that—he nodded happily.

“Yeah!”

The birthday he’d waited for so long was tomorrow. A few days ago, Father had unfortunately left the estate with the knights for a subjugation, but that was fine. 

Harry and the servants had already thrown a small party in advance, and besides, tomorrow Mother would come to keep her promise.

“Then want to go to the back mountain?”

“What?”

What did tomorrow being his birthday have to do with going to the back mountain? When Julian tilted his head, Royden added a plausible reason.

“There’s a special flower that only blooms on the back mountain. You like flowers. Oh, or did you say your mom likes them?”

‘A special flower?’

Julian recalled the time he’d gathered courage to visit Mother with a flower. How she’d patted his shoulder, saying thank you. Maybe she would this time too.

Eventually, after hesitation, Julian nodded.

“…Okay.”

“Then let’s go right now!”

Royden, quick to act, jumped up from his seat. Julian went with Royden to the nearest wardrobe and pulled out a large coat to wear. Once he put a new handkerchief to wrap the flowers in his pocket, all preparations were complete.

“Let’s go now!”

“…Still, shouldn’t we tell Harry?”

“Like Grandpa would give permission. If we come back quickly, no one will know!”

Julian followed behind him with a quite uneasy face. Not skipping meals or oversleeping, but climbing a winter mountain that Harry had warned them so much not to go to.

He knew getting caught would cause big trouble, but he didn’t want to give up. 

Besides, the back mountain Royden mentioned was very small—when the somewhat less cold summer came, they’d climbed it for training with the knights.

However, their confidence didn’t last long before shattering completely.

There was a huge difference between climbing a mountain under adult protection and two children climbing a frozen mountain. The two barely climbed to the middle of the mountain with steps twice as slow as usual.

“Here it is!”

Royden, who’d gone ahead, shouted in a joyful voice. Running to his side, flowers as small as fingernails were blooming prettily on the ground with less snow under a cluster of trees. They had a unique appearance with white petals wrapping yellow ones.

“See, I was right, wasn’t I?”

After vaguely agreeing with Royden’s boasting, he carefully broke the base of the straight green stem. Imagining Mother’s surprised face seeing the decorated flowers tomorrow immediately filled his heart.

‘About three stems should be enough.’

Having achieved their purpose, the children hurriedly descended the mountain. Because if time was delayed further, the risk of getting caught would increase.

But unfortunately, Harry, his face already pale, was waiting at the estate entrance.

“Roy! Taking the Young Grand Duke up the mountain in this winter! Don’t you know how dangerous this is? What if you’d gotten hurt! This is truly terrible!”

“…I’m sorry.”

“Young Master is the same! No matter how small the back mountain is, going to a winter mountain without escorts! Do you want to see this old man’s heart drop?”

“…Sorry.”

The butler sighed deeply and quickly pushed the children with red noses and cheeks into the bathroom. As they soaked in warm water, their frozen skin thawed with stinging pain. 

Though he shuddered at the sensation like ants crawling, he had to endure until his body temperature returned.

Harry made Julian drink soup and tea that warmed the body, saying he couldn’t let him catch a cold, made him wrap a wool blanket over his pajamas, and stoked the fireplace hotter than usual.

However, despite Harry’s efforts, as soon as he woke up the next morning, Julian realized something was wrong with his body. His small head hurt like it would split and his whole body shivered.

‘…Cold.’

Curling up didn’t help. Julian endured stubbornly until noon, but after that, his condition worsened to the point he couldn’t carry out his schedule.

‘What should I do?’

He was clumsy at throwing tantrums or acting spoiled. Julian, hesitating, finally called the butler. But Harry’s face, who came at his call, was frighteningly pale.

“…Harry, is something wrong?”

“Well, Roy seems to have caught a cold from yesterday. His fever won’t go down and it’s serious, I just got word…”

“Royden?”

Royden had fallen ill. He might be as sick as him now, maybe even sicker. The butler glanced at Julian, who’d grown serious with worry, and carefully spoke.

“Um, I did get permission from Her Imperial Highness in advance, but if it’s alright with you, may I be away just for today?”

“Y-yeah, of course! Go quickly.”

“But today is your birthday…”

“I blew out the candles yesterday. I can manage fine without Harry, so don’t worry!”

“…Then I’ll return as quickly as possible.”

Harry, who always complained of back pain, left a greeting while bending his body sharply and hurriedly left the estate. When Harry’s graying hair was no longer visible even from a distance, Julian finally moved away from the window weakly.

‘…What now?’

Watching Harry rush off like that suddenly reminded him of Mother. If Mother heard he was sick, would she rush over like that too? Moreover, today was his birthday. She’d promised to be with him, so maybe she really would come.

“Could you tell Mother I’m sick?”

He asked a servant while dripping cold sweat. The startled servant rushed off, but no matter how long he waited, Mother didn’t come.

While waiting, his condition worsened further. His vision was dizzy enough to make him nauseous and his jaw trembled.

Lying in bed would be a bit more comfortable, but… if he fell asleep like that, his birthday might end. After worrying, Julian eventually dragged his sick body and climbed with difficulty to the floor where Mother was.

“Please tell Mother I’m here.”

“I’m sorry. She’s currently in a vassal meeting, so you’ll have to wait a bit.”

“…Then I’ll wait here.”

Julian sat in the chair a servant brought and waited endlessly for Mother. But even after several hours passed, he couldn’t even hear Mother’s voice, much less see her face.

His breathing gradually grew labored and strength left his body. Perhaps finding it pitiful how he nodded off like a sick chick yet couldn’t leave, one servant carefully approached him.

“Young Grand Duke. I’ll definitely bring Her Imperial Highness to you, so please go back and rest.”

“But…”

Julian, hesitating, nodded faintly. Actually, his condition was so bad that even sitting upright was difficult. Carried to his room almost collapsing, Julian burrowed into the blankets.

Maids carried water-soaked towels, a doctor burst in, anxious voices continued murmuring.

“Mother?”

Every time he regained consciousness, the child repeated only that question. Breathing feverishly, in the illusion that his body was shattering to pieces, like a young bird for whom only its mother is the entire world.

“She’ll come soon.”

Each time, after a moment of awkward hesitation, the maids would respond in a comforting tone.

It was like a spell, or rather, with a heart desperately hoping so, the child obediently believed their words again and closed his eyes. 

He believed even while endlessly repeating opening his eyes again, asking with difficulty, and hearing the same answer.

The long, precarious night barely passed. Only when the exhausted child gave up asking again did Mother’s response finally return.

“This is medicine Her Imperial Highness sent.”

The noticeably haggard doctor held out white powder wrapped in paper.

The child silently looked out the window where dawn was breaking. Having spent a full day sick, his birthday had passed. And Mother never came in the end.

He obediently put the powder mixed in water into his mouth. He forced down the medicine bitter enough to numb his tongue. And went back into the blankets to lie down.

The child no longer looked for Mother.

Instead, Father, who returned to the estate late, came straight to him. The child quietly stared at the head collapsed like a sinner, the shoulders that looked pitiful, in a world gone completely blurry.

Now he understood. That what Father had said to him was merely his hope or comfort.

‘Father is a liar.’

He’d said Mother didn’t not love him. But surely she didn’t love him even palm-sized. If she loved him, she couldn’t so easily break promises, couldn’t leave him lonely.

Such reproach surged up through his swollen throat. Maybe he wanted to glare at Father with resentful eyes and burst into tears. But Julian knew that the truth and emotions he’d spit out would become a huge dagger to Father. So he decided not to do any of those things.

In the end, the painful sentences were swallowed, scratching his throat. It stings. It hurts. It’s lonely. And… it’s sad. Yes, the child was terribly sad.

But the only sentence that barely remained was this one.

“…I’m, fine.”

The child muttered in a hoarse voice, pulling up the corners of his mouth stiffly.

It was the moment he first understood sadness, and simultaneously learned how to hide it beneath a smile.