Chapter 83

On that day, Lennox put on the Pamphilenet Order Captain’s uniform, covered it with ragged clothes, and walked with Theon’s face. The maids flinched at his appearance, stepping back as if avoiding a plague. He intended to enter Ellen’s room and calmly talk with her. As he approached the room, Lennox’s heart began to beat faster. His quick steps slowed. Standing before the door, he hesitated to knock. Sensing something strange, Lennox’s expression hardened. His hand hovered in the air a few times before he knocked. At this hour, Ellen should be in her room, but there was no answer. He knocked again, but still no reply. Unable to wait, Lennox carefully opened the door.

He saw Ellen’s familiar back, her hand on the window frame, looking up at the sky. She didn’t turn around, and Lennox walked toward her, fists clenched, his feelings tangled.

“Emma. I’m really fine.”

“…….”

Ellen’s emotionless voice stopped Lennox in his tracks. Her pale, slender arm moved, grabbing the red hair Lennox had stroked countless times. Lennox watched her, memorizing each movement, gazing at Ellen.

“When he loses interest in me, I’ll put on the medicine then. So leave it for now. Otherwise, next time it won’t just be my cheek.”

“……!”

Lennox clenched his fist so tightly his veins stood out. He bit down hard, his eyes bloodshot. He saw it clearly—when Ellen turned her head slightly, her cheek was swollen and red. Lennox pressed down on his shattered heart and walked slowly toward her.

“Emma. Aren’t you listening……”

Ellen’s body gradually turned toward Lennox. With each step, resentment, longing, love, and pain mixed, emotions swirling and confusing his mind. His calm steps quickened. Lennox grabbed Ellen’s waist tightly and pulled her into his arms. Her small, frail body and swollen cheek. Lennox ached for her, and finally spoke the name he’d longed to call.

“Ellen.”

Ellen’s body stiffened in his embrace. Lennox kissed her cheek and ear, calling her name over and over, releasing five years of longing.

“Lennox……”

In that way, Lennox returned to Ellen.

* * *

After Lennox finished speaking, Ellen said nothing. Each word Lennox spoke hurt her heart, and Ellen closed and opened her eyes. Her heart trembled. Five years apart—how he’d lived, how he’d returned—every detail of his past ached in her heart.

She had abandoned him for his sake, but he had suffered even more for her selfishness.

It hurt so much Ellen couldn’t even cry.

After a brief silence, Ellen stared vacantly at the gravestone and finally spoke of the wound, the past, she’d buried in her heart. In front of Laura’s grave… because Lennox had been honest… Ellen had to speak.

“Father…”

“…….”

“He knew about us. Emma knew too. Even so, he told me to marry Baron Dermann and keep you as my gigolo.”

Lennox had known too. The mansion’s servants had noticed Ellen and Lennox’s relationship. That’s why it was easy for Lennox to enter Ellen’s room, the only daughter of the Valère family. Lennox nodded silently.

“But I couldn’t do that. You’re my beloved, not a gigolo. I didn’t want to disgrace my name or yours.”

“So that’s why you married Baron Dermann?”

“No.”

Ellen shook her head without hesitation.

“He said he’d kill you if I didn’t accept the marriage. I refused. But when you were sent off to war by Father’s order, without even a farewell… I thought I’d go crazy.”

Lennox recalled that night. Late at night, butler Adol came on Viscount Valère’s orders, telling him to set out immediately. Lennox wanted to say goodbye to Ellen, but Adol said he’d pass on the farewell and sent Lennox away. So Lennox left for the battlefield without knowing the reason, worrying about Ellen left alone.

“I tried everything to get news about you. But all I got was bad news.”

Lennox wrote letters to Ellen every day from the battlefield. He sent countless letters, but never received a reply. He worried every day that she was lonely or something had happened, but Lennox had to endure his longing.

“Messenger Jack told me you were hurt. Even the gossip-loving noblewomen had no good news. And I never got even a note from you.”

Even as he sent letters daily, Lennox thought he had to finish the war and return. If there was no reply, he’d just come back and talk to Ellen face-to-face. If he achieved merit in battle, he might get a title. Then he could stand proudly beside Ellen. Driven by that hope, Lennox fought madly on the battlefield, not knowing that his ambition was pushing Ellen to the edge.

“Father said that if I married Baron Dermann, he’d call you back. If I kept refusing, he’d kill you. I was scared. Marie, Laura, and Mother all left like that, and if you died too… What would I do then? If something happened to you, I couldn’t bear it.”

Ellen laughed bitterly, mocking herself.

“You know, everyone I was greedy for disappeared. I was scared it would happen again.”

Lennox still remembered clearly. The day he returned, Ellen looked rough and thin. Seeing her, Lennox couldn’t say anything. She looked so exhausted; he had to comfort her before asking anything. The joy of meeting her again made him focus only on holding her. Her skin, breath, scent… he was busy taking it all in. Why hadn’t he asked the crucial question then? He regretted it over and over. When Ellen spoke honestly, he should have asked. This time, he needed a real answer. Lennox moved his dry lips.

“Ellen. This time, answer honestly.”

“…….”

“Did you really not want to come back to me?”

“I…”

“Answer honestly, Ellen.”

Ellen’s small, hunched shoulders trembled. Lennox reached out for her shoulder, hesitated, then withdrew his hand. He gazed at Ellen with sunken eyes, waiting for her answer. His chest tightened with tension.

At last, Ellen squeezed her eyes shut and exhaled the words she’d kept deep inside.

“I want… I want to come back.”

“…….”

“I’m so happy you came back for me. Even after what I did, hearing you ask me to come back… made me so happy. But…”

Drip, a drop fell and spread on the gravestone.

Just saying these words made Ellen feel she was wronging Lennox. She’d left him on her own, cut him off, married without him. Refused his call to return, rebelled against him. And now she said she wanted to come back. She mocked herself for being selfish and willful. But as soon as she said ‘I want to come back,’ her true feelings poured out uncontrollably.

“It’s hard to be by your side. I’m scared. I don’t want you to be in danger because of me again. Even if I can’t meet you again, as long as you’re alive, that’s enough for me. So…”

“That idea that you have to protect me—how ridiculous. No, you’re really foolish.”

“……!”

Lennox grabbed both of Ellen’s wrists and laid her on the ground. Thud, a dull pain spread across her back. Ellen looked up at Lennox, who loomed over her. Lennox met Ellen’s reddened eyes and continued.

“Don’t kid yourself, Ellen. I’m the one who has to protect you. You’re my friend, my lord, my lover. So don’t think like that.”

“Lennox! That’s not it, I…”

“You should be safe and happy by my side, sleep, cry in my arms when you’re sad, get angry at me, live like that. Isn’t that right?”

“No, Lennox. How can I ask that of you? You were pushed to the battlefield because of me, how can I… Ah!”

Ellen’s brow furrowed in pain. Lennox spoke, biting off each word, his fingers white from gripping so hard.

“You’ve always been like that, since you were young. Your feelings came first, you did as you pleased. But I liked that. Even knowing my heart would break, I loved your stubbornness. Even when you pretended to be harsh but couldn’t be, even when you struggled and gritted your teeth to endure, I found you lovable.”

Lennox paused.

Yes. That was true.

“Even when you abandoned me for no reason, even when I learned the man who killed my mother was your father… I couldn’t hate you. During our separation, my feelings for you only deepened.”

No matter how emotions raged, the destination was always the same.

“I was never in danger because of you. I’ll never die or get hurt leaving you behind.”

Lennox loved Ellen madly.