You always cut off my suggestions to try piano.

You stopped wearing the ribbon I gave you at some point.

Your attention seemed to return only when I met new people.

Yes, it might sound absurd to you, but I was addicted to gazes that lingered even in that way.

That doesn’t mean every boy I briefly met in Iota was for the purpose of catching your attention. They made the first move, and I just didn’t refuse.

I was curious what would be different.

I was also bored.

Iota isn’t that interesting an island. The words about walking the sea together, a few similar flowers— it was old-fashioned but tolerable enough.

They all spouted similar things though.

I’ve heard my good points from other people’s mouths so much I’m sick of it.

I’m not trying to show off. At least on this island, I’m the prettiest, most talented, and most pleasant girl among my peers.

In three or four years, I’ll probably get the modifier ‘flawed for not being married.’

The kids who confess all whisper the same phrases. How eye-catching I am, how skillful my hands are, how bright my smile is.

Hearing such words made me curious.

Didn’t you think I was pretty?

I know you…… envied me. I’m not dull enough to miss such looks.

Some envy my unique hair color, some covet my well-maintained hair with good oils. They want to resemble my longer limbs than others, or cast envious eyes on the accessories Dad sometimes brings.

I wish you had coveted these aspects of me.

Then I could have filled my insides with petty satisfaction and smiled leisurely.

Asha, you envied me but didn’t want me.

Some days that fact felt unbearable.

Petty anger asking ‘who do you think you are?’ burned through my whole body. On such days, I would act a bit colder toward you.

When you looked at me with restless eyes, I liked that a bit.

My reflection in your blue eyes looked the most confident and charming in the world.

Would it have been better to smoothly seize that opportunity?

When you ran home with a rare expression, when you ran out with unhurried steps, I thought such things.

I didn’t think of it as regret at the time, but looking back, it seems it was regret. Like a soldier who cut flesh to save bone, it felt like that level of mistake.

You wouldn’t understand.

I’ve come too far. I’ve long surpassed the level where you could understand me. At nineteen I couldn’t accept that fact, but now it’s easy.

Just because a few years have passed.

You’d laugh if you found out, but I’m a bit resentful.

I heard you sometimes exchange contact with Lucio. I heard this directly recently. I had business in Delling and happened to meet him on the street.

It’s the country’s greatest port city, so why did we meet so easily?

It wasn’t a particularly pleasant meeting. But it wasn’t that awkward either. As I said before, just because a few years have passed.

I made a request to that kid driven by my greed, and he meekly went along with it.

I’m not particularly sorry. I don’t know what you’d think…… It wasn’t like I threatened him, so there’s no reason to be generous toward the side that foolishly went along.

Of course, what I did to you will never be understood.

Especially not by someone showing no signs of remorse like this.

In liking you, I became too unlike myself.

I never want to experience that again. I became petty, easily depressed, and pathetically desperate.

I really hate it.

Rosette]

[To Asha

I’ve been thinking carefully.

About you. And about myself like that.

It’s not that rare. I quite often thought of you countless times in content and ways you could never imagine.

Sometimes, I felt I became a complete mess because of you.

Sometimes, I was confident that the current me wasn’t influenced by you at all.

These days I’m not sure. Actually I never knew anything from before, but now I feel like I can finally understand.

Should I confess everything from the beginning?

You’d object, but Asha, you’re someone who stands out. At least in my eyes, from the moment your and Aila’s teal hair looked completely different to me.

It was clearly the same color, but you strangely felt foreign.

I’m actually bad at touching hair. My own hair or other people’s hair. That’s why I always went around with it disheveled. Or tied it tightly down.

I always wanted to cut my hair too, but I couldn’t help it because you liked Aila’s long hair.

We were four years younger than Aila, so no matter how hard we tried, we couldn’t grow it to our waists. We were that young then.

You kept touching your sister’s long hair, and I thought I wished you’d do that to me too. So I grew it out, but that never happened.

Instead, Aila often braided your hair. That’s probably when it started. Me learning how to handle hair from Aila.

Fortunately, unlike someone, my fingertips were skillful so I could learn quickly.

I remember the day I first touched your hair instead of Aila. It was the day of the village party. Actually I didn’t want to show it to anyone……

I kept asking myself why it was that boy. I fretted over a problem that couldn’t be solved.

Couldn’t it have been me? I kept making assumptions.

Even knowing it was nothing but pathetic fantasy, I couldn’t stop.

I don’t know the detailed circumstances between you and that person. Maybe fate really exists. That powerful, uncontrollable variable sided with that person.

Not me.

Not a girl the same age who dated boys you had feelings for.

I should have tried harder instead.

Instead of catching attention that way, even if you got tired and lost interest, I should have stepped forward fair and square.

I should have shown it.

I should have told you hundreds of times how cute your round glasses were.

I should have begged to hold your hand and go to parties.

If I had asked like I was being spoiled, you who was so tender-hearted and lonely would have easily come over.

It’s late though.

Too late, but I often think that way.

That doesn’t mean I want to do something with you. Right now, you’re probably with someone I could never beat no matter how prettily I write or how kind I become.

Even if that person’s handwriting is crooked, I couldn’t take that place.

I don’t want to anymore either.

The fog has lifted, Asha. The fog that was covering my eyes, my heart all along.

I didn’t know I could make such old-fashioned comparisons. While wanting to become close with you, I never read a single book you liked.

I didn’t want to look that desperate. I was getting ahead of myself alone.

Just reading a few books along with you, you wouldn’t even guess I was ‘reading along.’ My feelings were so big, I was anxious they might show to other people too.

At the same time, I hoped everyone in Iota would know but only you wouldn’t.

Yet I also hoped you’d notice…… The more I explain, the more ridiculous it becomes. What did sixteen-year-old me, nineteen-year-old me want to do?

……I know I hurt you. Regardless of what you thought of me, I definitely wronged you. It was intentional behavior, and I had no remorse.

I should have been a bit more meticulous, even if I was out of my mind thinking I should have.

You’d find it pathetic.

I know.

I’m not as great a person as others think. I could be kind and relaxed with everyone because I had that much.

The petty way I acted toward you is the real bottom.

Do you still read books often?

I heard you write. From both Aila and Lucio.

They say you improve when you find something you like. Waking up early in the morning to water herbs, getting up in the evening to walk the dog, grooming yourself, broadening your tastes.

But I couldn’t do that.

The more serious my emotions became, the more of a mess I became, the more pathetic.

I said ‘bottom’ earlier, but we don’t know what the depths look like until we go all the way down. I could have buried it without even knowing.

That would have been enough.

Because I couldn’t, I wasn’t cool or wonderful or elegant. I really hated that. Because it wasn’t the me I knew.

Acting deliberately cold toward you, I said it was to get attention…… Actually it might have been because I wanted to feel superior.

Probably both.

Figuring out myself from a few years ago is more difficult than gauging other people’s moods. But I clearly remember one thing.

I liked your gaze following me.

Like Iota’s sea, like waves, like sunlight on water— I liked the moments I was reflected in those blue eyes. Though there weren’t many days I looked openly because I was so conscious of it.

I couldn’t help but be conscious to the point my cheeks tickled. Though it’s probably a very distant memory for you now.

Asha.

You know, I’m going to stop secretly buying and reading the books you published.

And continuing to send letters you might have burned.

And reviewing my mistakes, constantly thinking of you. Thinking in order not to think and ending up thinking anyway.

So,

what I want to say last is……

I’m sorry.

Sincerely.

I hope you’re always well.

Goodbye.

Rosette]