[To Yuan

I meant to reply earlier, but I’ve been so exhausted when I get home. If I tell you that I often fall asleep before even taking out my stationery, can you imagine how busy I’ve been?

You’ve probably already guessed why I’m so busy, even though I quit the restaurant job and the workshop ended.

Yes, I’m preparing for auditions!

I submitted applications to quite a few theater companies and theaters, and I’ve received several invitations to audition. One place even called, asking me to come tomorrow, as if they urgently needed a replacement. I took the call on the first floor while being conscious of the landlord—why keep a telephone if they hate tenants using it so much?—and felt like my feet were half-floating in the air.

They’re looking for someone who can quickly adapt to an almost-completed stage, and I’m perfect for such situations. It takes time to coordinate with other actors, but that’s not a major issue.

Besides this, I have a string of audition schedules lined up, making these the busiest days of the year for me.

My daily routine these days is like this:

I run five to seven laps around the park to build up my stamina. I return home for breakfast, then head to the practice room—I recently rented a small basement space at a reasonable price. There are limitations to practicing at home, especially with the noise and all.

I do physical training, and practice the vocalization and pronunciation techniques I learned at the workshop. I analyze scripts, consider what to do if asked for impromptu acting, prepare for free acting sessions……

Amidst all this frantic practice, I laughed for the first time when I read your letter. I mean the part about being cautious—it was really amusing.

I’m not being sarcastic, but sincere. I don’t easily trust or rely on others enough to warrant concern. Rather, during my school days, I was so absorbed in my own world that I failed to observe my surroundings, which was a flaw. Partly because there wasn’t anyone I was attracted to enough to want to become friends with……

In summary, I don’t readily devote my time and affection to just anyone. If I appeared to do so ‘easily,’ there must be another reason.

What that reason might be—well, it differs from person to person?

It’s already midnight. I want to write more, but my handwriting is a mess. Soon it might fly all the way to the plane you’re piloting. With this handwriting, neither you nor I would be able to read it.

I don’t know when you’ll read this letter, but sleep well.

September 10,

With an unchanging heart, Perry.]

[Dear Yuan

Hello, Yuan. Surprised to get another letter? Perhaps my letter will arrive with a ‘poof’ just as you put your letter in the mailbox.

I’m suddenly sorry. You must be busy in various ways too. It’s almost Ravina Night, and I’ve heard that many people travel before then. I read it in a book. I recently read a memoir by the pilot with the longest career in the kingdom.

Though not as much as you like my plays, I’m also making an effort to understand your world. Because we’re friends. And I’m curious about the sky you see.

I have something I want to ask.

As you know, I don’t have any friends. I realized you’re the only person I can ask. So please understand if my question seems startling.

Yuan, am I someone who shouldn’t dream of being an actor? Am I just being stubbornly hopeless right now?

You know, like those characters in fables. The old man who tried to reach the sun only to fall into the sea with his body burned, or the woman who was turned into a scorpion after trying to compete with a god.

People who disappear after throwing themselves against what everyone else sees as impossible tasks.

Please tell me honestly. I don’t want sympathy. It’s okay if you’re trying to lift my spirits with comfort. Though I don’t want to ask this of you, who likes me as an actor.

I know it’s shameless.

I’ve never forgotten the impressions you shared with me. How could I forget when I was reading your letters right up until I took out this stationery? I’ve made it to today leaning on that encouragement.

But this dawn, even the sentences that firmly supported me feel distant. It’s not your fault, Yuan. It’s entirely mine.

The audition results have been announced one after another. Some tell you on the spot, some by letter. Some places don’t even contact those who failed.

Despite all your belief in me, I haven’t received any news that would make you happy. I made it to the final audition for some, but ultimately failed.

At several places, at many places, I heard similar things.

They said I wasn’t pretty enough. An actor needs to captivate the audience even for a second, but my appearance isn’t suitable for that.

They’re looking for actors the audience will remember for a long time—they used Bria Sol as an example—but I’m too ordinary, they said. My skills are fine, but that’s not enough. If I want to continue as an actor, they told me not to settle like this.

Settle?

I’ve never settled for anything.

Moreover, they weren’t even critiquing my acting but discussing my appearance! But at the time, I couldn’t say a word in defense. I just nodded like someone who only knows how to say ‘yes’ and left.

Though their words weren’t right, I believed them. In this industry, standing out even slightly becomes a talent in itself. When I’m not acting, I’m just an ordinary person who would be lost in a crowd.

One place said I lacked a powerful impact, another said my gaze was lacking, and yet another said it would have been better if my skin was either paler or much darker.

An unremarkable, mediocre unknown actor.

But if that had been all I heard, I wouldn’t be writing such a lengthy letter. At one place, they told me this:

Our theater company isn’t ready to accept you yet.

Can you imagine the context? This time, my eyesight was the issue. Despite never having made a mistake on stage, no matter how much I pleaded, they wouldn’t listen.

It didn’t matter how well I memorize movements, how meticulously I calculate timing to coordinate with other actors.

And then they added, ‘We’re very sorry too, we would have hired you immediately if glasses could have fixed it,’ and I just……

I think it’s cowardly. Attacking a point completely irrelevant to the role while shifting responsibility.

If they had criticized my unclear pronunciation, awkward movements, or disagreed with my interpretation of the role—I would have accepted any of those criticisms. I would have studied more and improved.

But.

It feels like characteristics I couldn’t change in the past and can’t change in the future keep tripping me up.

Would it have been better if I were as pretty as Bria Sol, or at least had peripheral vision? But that’s impossible. I do admire Bria Sol, but that’s because she’s an exceptional actor.

Yuan, can someone like me, who won’t change in the future, continue to stand on stage? Is there a place for me among flawlessly beautiful people? I’m not sure.

I’m not sure……

This has gotten long. I didn’t plan to say this much. Since you’re my fan, I wanted to show only my impressive side. I’ve rambled on about trivial matters too often, but I suppose it’s a meaningless attempt now.

The temperature has dropped significantly. Now I can smell the dry autumn in the air. Are you looking at the same dawn as me?

September 14,

Perry.]

[To my one and only actor,

You once said you were disappointed that I didn’t talk about myself. I’ll start by writing about that.

I was born from the passionate love of two people with strong artistic temperaments. When they first met, my mother was a famous writer who was sought after in social circles, and my father was a sculptor with plenty of money but limited talent.

I heard there was quite a scandal at the time since they married after just a hundred days. Especially since my father decided to live in my mother’s country despite his family’s opposition.

But I never witnessed that passionate love. At least in my memory, they always treated each other like roommates who didn’t get along.

It might be a harsh assessment from a child, but both of them lived doing only what they wanted. Even at moments when ordinary people would face society’s obstacles and be frustrated, they each used their talent or wealth to smooth over crises.

How do you think I turned out growing up under such parents?

My aunt once said, ‘I thought you would selectively inherit only the worst traits of that annoying couple.’ She had no doubt I would become an arrogant boy with no manners.