Have My Child - Chapter 20

“It’s fine.”

Though he said that, he looked anything but fine, as if he were forcing something rising inside him back down, holding it in by sheer will.

Turning to his adjutant, he spoke in a cold, controlled voice.

“Sienna has been taking medication for a pre-existing condition. This miscarriage was simply an unfortunate result of sudden hemorrhaging, unrelated to her treatment. Early miscarriages are common enough. Draft a statement and release it. Block any unnecessary articles and make sure everyone keeps their mouths shut.”

“Yes, sir.”

Even if, at this stage, the pregnancy wasn’t yet considered a life across the continent…would controlling the press—now that Imelda Freimer was on our side—really be enough to stop the public from condemning me?

The adjutant quickly left the room.

Now, we were alone.

I had expected him to press me further, to demand answers—but instead, he remained calm.

And somehow, that made it harder to breathe.

What should I say first?

After a long silence, I finally spoke.

“…Do you believe me when I say I didn’t take the drug myself?”

Tilting my head weakly, I looked at him as I asked.

Even if everything pointed otherwise—if only he would believe this much, then maybe…just maybe, I could trust him enough to tell him everything.

“Don’t force yourself to make excuses just to justify it to me.”

…Make excuses?

I had expected him not to believe me.

But hearing it said so plainly, it crushed something inside me.

If he couldn’t believe even this, if he had already decided everything about me, then what was the point of saying anything at all?

“I’m not going to blame you for whatever you’ve done. So stop lying there like a corpse. You can just get pregnant again.”

…Get pregnant again?

How could he say that so easily?

What was I to him, some animal bred for the sole purpose of bearing children?

Why did he speak as if my body belonged to him?

Shock gave way to anger, rising slowly inside me.

“…I won’t get pregnant again.”

Let the world say what it wanted.

I didn’t want to carry another child. I didn’t even want to live anymore.

Looking up at him, I spoke in a dry, hollow voice.

“What?”

“I don’t want to have a child.”

“Why?”

“…I just don’t.”

“I see. Just because.”

He let out a disbelieving laugh and ran a hand roughly through his hair.

“Do you… hate children?”

I shook my head.

Of course not.

I couldn’t bring myself to say I hated children—not even as a lie. I loved them too much.

And that was precisely why I couldn’t give that child—who hadn’t even come into the world yet—a dying mother as a gift.

Even if it meant becoming a cruel one.

“Then it must be me you hate.”

As always, he drew his own conclusions, closing the distance between us.

He was too large, too overwhelming.

I wanted to retreat—but I was already sitting on the bed, my arms wrapped around my knees.

There was nowhere left to go.

I was pushed to the very edge, forcing me to confront him at close range.

A chill ran through me.

He wasn’t calm.

In fact, he was anything but.

This must be the face he showed his enemies — cold and merciless.

His pupils were dilated, stretched by the anger he was forcing down.

His breathing was rough and almost unhinged.

His jaw was clenched tightly, as if he were holding himself back by sheer force of will.

Yet his expression remained eerily devoid of warmth.

He had never been particularly gentle with me before, but compared to this, it had been nothing.

The pressure of his presence felt suffocating, as if he might kill me at any moment.

Fear rose instinctively within me.

Ludwig had said it—that my husband would abandon me.

That he would cast me aside for destroying the child he had wanted so desperately.

Yes.

If anything, I wished he would.

To him, the child mattered far more than I ever could.

But—

“Whatever the reason, it doesn’t really matter. I don’t need your feelings, and I have no interest in them.”

He had no intention of letting me go.

“If you did it because you find me disgusting, or because you’re tired of me—none of that matters.”

He was still cruel.

“You’re not going anywhere. We’ll keep living like this, and you’ll bear my child again.”

Still suffocating.

“I don’t want to have a child anymore.”

Summoning what little courage I had left, I said it again.

I never wanted to be threatened with a child again—never wanted to go through something so utterly miserable, only to lose it in the end.

“If you want a child, find another woman.”

It was the only thing I could offer.

I didn’t want it.
He did.

“…Find another woman?”

He let out a hollow laugh, completely out of place, like a man on the brink of madness.

Ignoring his reaction, I continued—almost as if I had found a reasonable solution.

“You already hate me. I’m not important to you anyway. If this was your way of punishing me—for the monarchy, for everything—I’ve already suffered enough.”

“……”

“I took that drug thinking… it wouldn’t matter if I died.”

“……”

“I’m already hated by so many people. I can’t even live properly. Your efforts have paid off. Your revenge is complete.”

“……”

“If all you need is a child from a lawful wife—not a b*stard—then you can say it’s mine and register it under your name—”

“…Have a child with another woman.”

He ignored everything else I said, repeating only that part as if it were the only thing that mattered.

“You think I can sleep with another woman and you’d feel nothing?”

Why was that the part that hurt him?

I saw the look on his face—something raw, almost wounded—and couldn’t bring myself to continue.

I shut my mouth.

This was maddening.

What else was I supposed to do?

You want a child.
I don’t.
I’m dying.
I might never be able to conceive again.

And you, you don’t believe a single word I say.

Then what am I supposed to do?

I covered my face with both hands and lowered my head.

For a moment, I hated myself.

I was venting the anger I couldn’t direct at Ludwig onto someone else.

That’s why—part of me wished my husband would simply abandon me.

That he would hate me enough to let me go.

The tears I had been holding back finally fell, slipping through my fingers.

“Let’s just… stop hurting each other. Please. Just… let me go.”

My vision blurred with tears, so I couldn’t see his expression clearly but I was certain it was that same cold, indifferent look.

Because there was no way he would grant my request.

“So now that my revenge is over, you’re telling me to throw you away?”

He laughed.

As if something I had said was so absurd it amused him.

“Why would I?”

He forcibly pulled my hands away from my face, gripping both wrists in one hand and pinning them above me.

My body lifted effortlessly under his strength, as light as dust.

Helpless.

With his other hand, he grabbed my chin, his gaze locked onto mine like a predator about to tear into its prey.

His blue eyes flickered, dangerously close.

“Revenge hasn’t even begun. We’ve only lived together for three months, and you’re already talking about the end?”

His words struck deep, like a blade.

“The thought of how much more you’ll suffer by my side… it’s actually starting to amuse me. You must be out of your mind from the shock. Still don’t get it? I’ve told you countless times.”

Ludwig had been completely wrong.

“You can never leave me. Do you have any idea how much I went through to have you? You owe me more than this.”

Reinhardt Helares had no intention of letting me go, not over something as small as losing one child.

“What I need isn’t some other woman. It’s your child. So pull yourself together.”

My wrists trembled weakly in his grip.

He didn’t even seem to be using much force, and yet it hurt.

Though… the pain mattered less than the humiliation.

Without realizing it, I bit down hard on my lip.

It was a habit—something I did to endure shame and humiliation.

My lips were never fully healed.

“Don’t bite your lip.”

He reached out, wiped the blood from my lip with his thumb and then brought it to his own mouth, licking it away.