Chapter 31 – Insomnia

How did Ian, who used to be my favorite, end up like this? Is it my fault? No, all I did was live my life as hard as I could… I was confused and took a step back. Ian smiled, perhaps interpreting it as resignation.

“By the way, I returned that dagger properly.”

“To whom?”

“To Prince Raphael.”

After a moment of hesitation, I asked.

“Properly… returned it?”

“Yes.”

“Ian… He only lent it to me. You didn’t do anything disrespectful, did you?”

I hope not. Even though Ian is resting right now, he’s still the prime minister, and according to Benjamin, he’s one of the few decent politicians left. He wouldn’t have fought with a foreign prince, especially one who’s a potential future ally. But why does he look so cold? It’s making me uneasy.

“…I think I need to meet him in person and apologize.”

“You won’t be able to meet him for a while.”

“Why not?”

“He’s under house arrest for using magic without permission.”

Why would Raphael use magic? From the look on Ian’s face, it seems like he probably started the fight. I was so shocked that I let out a sharp breath.

“Ian, have you lost your mind?”

“That’s what I should be asking you. How could you do such a thing based on the words of someone you just met?”

Raphael must have taken all the blame alone, excluding Eloise. I was about to mention that Eloise was there too, but I remembered her troubled expression and held my tongue.

“Then whose words should I trust? I believed him because Prince Raphael is an expert in that field. He said it was the most effective method.”

“Prioritizing convenience or efficiency over humanity is not normal, Liv. You’re not thinking clearly right now. I think I understand why Benjamin was so adamant about the Awakening Inducement Ban. I’ll make sure to attend the next assembly and pass his bill.”

If Ian puts his mind to it, the bill will pass. The Keppel family’s vassals and titled nobles alone would give him around 120 votes in the council. If you add in the families with vested interests and the House of Lords, they’d probably have a majority. I sighed and said,

“I won’t use that method anymore. It didn’t work anyway.”

I staggered into bed and pulled the blanket over myself.

“The bed is mine, so don’t come up here if you don’t want to see me dead.”

It’s pathetic that this childish resistance is all I can manage.

***

I had heard he had insomnia, and it turned out to be true. Even though we shared a room for several days, I never saw Ian asleep. Every morning, when I opened my eyes, he was already reading the newspaper or working.

At first, he would sit quietly and watch me, but after I freaked out a few times when I woke up to him staring, he started doing something else on purpose so as not to startle me. So, this is the first time I’ve seen Ian asleep.

I stared blankly at Ian, who had fallen asleep on the sofa, and then slowly got up. He was so still, he looked like he wasn’t even breathing.

They say people go crazy if they don’t get enough sleep. Maybe Ian’s obsession with me lately is all because of his lack of sleep. Ironically, after failing the awakening and being under Ian’s watch, unable to do anything, I spent more time in deep thought. Looking back, it feels like all the trouble I’ve caused was my fault.

While I was unconscious, Ian must have spent four months consumed by guilt over me, but as soon as I woke up, I demanded a divorce and even resorted to self-harm, saying I didn’t want to live like this… I admitted that I’d been mentally unstable and acting recklessly.

As I reflected on my past behavior, I realized how impulsive I had been. The old me would have at least taken a day or two to think through decisions, but now I was making them in a split second. But what could I do? It felt like I’d already lost everything and had nothing left to lose.

While I was going crazy, Ian and the rest of the family were probably slowly losing their minds too. So, until I can escape this house full of lunatics, it seems like it would be best to lay low and pretend to reflect on my actions. I carefully got out of bed, trying not to wake Ian, and tiptoed barefoot toward the door. I was almost there when—

“Where are you going?”

Oh my god, he scared me. My heart pounded as I slowly turned around.

“…You’re awake?”

“Where are you going? Dressed like that.”

His voice, husky from sleep, sounded unusually eerie. In the past, I would have casually found it sexy. I swallowed hard and, without realizing it, started making excuses.

“I thought you were sleeping soundly, so I didn’t want to wake you…”

Then Ian strode toward me. Intimidated, I instinctively took a step back until my back hit the door. I quickly tried to open it, but no matter how much I pulled, it wouldn’t budge. I turned around awkwardly. Ian was holding the door with one hand, looking down at me. He’s too close. And this feels like… a wall slam…

“I asked where you were going, Liv.”

“…To my room.”

“Why?”

“I was going to go to my room and call Jane. I didn’t want to call her here… because I was worried it might be noisy…”

He sighed as he looked at me in silence and said, 

“Just wake me up. It’s better than waking up and finding out that you aren’t here…”

Ian swallowed the rest of his words and stepped away from me. He carefully tugged on my nightgown sleeve, and I obediently let him lead me to sit quietly on the bed.

Although Ian brought me to his room and personally kept an eye on me, he didn’t do anything beyond that. It was probably because most of the emotions he mistakenly thinks are love are actually rooted in guilt toward me. And I didn’t want to provoke his anger unnecessarily, fearing what he might do if pushed too far.

When Ian pulled the bell cord, a knock soon followed, and Jane entered the room, pushing a trolley. My breakfast and Ian’s coffee were laid out on the table.

Having shared a room, I discovered that Ian’s tastes weren’t exactly aristocratic. Whether it was the alcohol he hid in his study or his preference for coffee, it was telling. Coffee, originally popularized among the gentry and bourgeoisie for its caffeine effect, was often avoided by the high nobility.

As for me, I couldn’t afford it before marriage, and after marriage, I avoided it to maintain the Keppel family’s dignity. If I had known Ian was already drinking it like water, I would have had some long ago. Overcome with a sudden desire triggered by the coffee aroma, I muttered unconsciously, 

“…I want to drink coffee too.”

“No.”

I hadn’t really intended to ask for it, but Ian’s immediate response was so blunt that I felt a surge of frustration. I sullenly glared at his empty coffee cup. Ian sighed and, as if soothing a child, said, 

“Liv, coffee isn’t good for the heart.”

“In moderation, it’s fine.”

“Says who?”

It’s true, though. There was even research showing that moderate consumption could help prevent cardiovascular diseases. But I couldn’t exactly whip out a research paper I read in my previous life, so I kept my mouth shut.

“If your doctor or Baron Jodel says it’s okay, I’ll allow it.”

Even if I said no, I’d just look like a child throwing a tantrum. But he also needed to experience how annoying it was to be controlled under the guise of concern.

“Then you shouldn’t drink it either.”

“…”

“Ask the doctor. They’ll probably tell you it’s bad for insomnia.”

I said it to annoy him, but Ian simply nodded obediently, covering his mouth with his large hand. I was a bit taken aback. 

Is he laughing? 

Then he really did quit coffee that day. Knowing that caffeine can cause withdrawal symptoms, I was stunned. Since when did he listen to me so well…?

Instead, he started drinking the same tea as me every morning. He had no idea what tea I was drinking.

This was a premium contraceptive tea my mother secretly procured for me. It had a tangy, sweet taste that seemed like something an ordinary tea girl might enjoy, but it was quite effective, to the point where it could cause a miscarriage if consumed during pregnancy.

While it was known to have no effect on men, there’s no telling what side effects might occur. Every morning, I watched Ian drink the contraceptive tea with mixed feelings. One morning, during the usual routine, Ian asked in a gentle voice, 

“I have a council meeting today, so I’ll be out for a bit. What are your plans for today, Liv?”

Isn’t he asking about something he already knows? I answered obediently, 

“Ellie is coming to visit.”

Ian smiled faintly and said, 

“…It’s suspicious that she’s coming on the day of the council meeting. Does she have something she wants to say when I’m not around?”

…I really have no idea. Feeling uneasy for no reason, I couldn’t say anything.

“If Her Highness the Crown Princess tries to plant any ideas, don’t fall for them, Liv. These days, I feel like I could go to war for you.”

“…Plant ideas?”

“Like becoming a wizard and moving to Laran?”

I was taken aback and bit my lip, remembering that I had actually received such a suggestion from Raphael. Eloise arrived shortly after Ian left for the palace, well before the usual visiting hours, around lunchtime.

“I’m sorry for visiting at this hour without a luncheon appointment.”

Eloise looked at my mother-in-law, who had taken it upon herself to watch over me in Ian’s absence, and said, 

“Lady Keppel, I would appreciate it if you could give us a moment alone.”

My mother-in-law responded coldly to Eloise’s polite request. 

“Your Highness the Crown Princess, it would cause trouble for many if I were to leave. And please, don’t say anything to Liv that you wouldn’t say in front of me.”

That expression just now was identical to Ian’s. But I seem to be the only one intimidated by my mother-in-law, as Eloise laughed coolly and said, 

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t say, even in front of the emperor. I was merely being considerate out of respect. I’m about to criticize the Duke of Keppel, so stay if you want. But remember, I’m not here to talk to you, so please don’t interrupt our conversation.”

…What am I supposed to do with this atmosphere? My mother-in-law ignored her and sat down in the armchair with her embroidery frame. I awkwardly smiled and led Eloise to a table on the balcony, as far from her as possible. I thought their relationship was decent, so I don’t know why it’s come to this. Is it my fault too?

“Liv, I’m glad to see you’re doing well.”

“…Yes, thanks to your concern.”

“I wanted to visit sooner, but Benjamin stopped me. I’m sorry. I’ve been regretting not stopping you that day.”

“It’s alright. It was my choice.”

Is she talking about the attempt to awaken?

“I didn’t realize the Duke of Keppel was such an insane man. Are you okay, being locked up?”

“…What? Who said that?”

“Isn’t it true?”