Chapter 86: We Are…

Clive stood in front of the annex door, hesitating whether to enter. He didn’t know how to face Eirene or what to say to her. He simply stared at the door, unable to turn the handle he’d been holding. Zeus scratched at the door inside, having caught Clive’s scent, but there was no other sound from within. 

Should he leave now? 

Though he knew Eirene needed time, he couldn’t help feeling anxious and impatient. Clive released the door handle. He was a criminal with nothing to say. He was in no position to approach her first or ask for forgiveness.

Finally turning away, he decided to focus on what needed to be done. Finishing everything and waiting was the only thing the current Clive could do for Eirene.

* * *

She had dozed off. Ironically, sleep had overcome her in this situation. Eirene laughed at the absurdity before sighing and brushing her hair back. Though she had slept uninterrupted until dawn, her body felt heavy, like it was soaked in water. 

Throughout her sleep, she had been tormented by dreams. Her fallen, dead family and Clive holding a sword appeared and disappeared repeatedly. As the dreams recurred, they became clearer, increasingly approaching reality.

“Still… he saved me,” Eirene murmured. It was Clive who had tried to save her.

“But he also killed my family.” 

The words that came out unconsciously were meant for herself. Two feelings were fighting within her: the desire to forgive Clive and the inability to do so. She felt confused.

Eirene sat on the edge of the bed for a while. This was a crucial time. Such conflicted feelings were not helpful while the trial of Count Phineas and Sebastian remained unresolved. She could face the immediate issues coldly and postpone the problems with Clive for later. 

Letting emotions take the lead would only harm everyone and might even benefit Sebastian and Count Phineas. Though she would likely continue wavering, Eirene resolved to face reality each time.

When Eirene left the bedroom, Zeus stopped tearing at his meat and ran to her, wagging his tail vigorously.

“What are you doing running over while eating? Go finish your food.”

The sensitive Zeus seemed to detect something different about Eirene and promptly returned to his meal. Somehow feeling uneasy at the sight of his retreating figure, Eirene went to his side, and he looked up at her again, pausing his eating. Eirene patted his head.

“I’m fine, so don’t worry about me. Eat more.”

How strange. He resumed eating with a more relaxed expression, like he understood everything she said. Eirene squatted beside him, watching him eat before standing up. Having fallen asleep immediately after returning last night, she looked terrible.

“Miss. Are you awake?” Betty emerged, discreetly examining her mistress.

“You look unwell.”

“I tossed and turned all night. Could you prepare water for me to wash?”

Betty quickly brought what she had apparently prepared in advance, and Eirene washed and changed her clothes. Zeus, having finished his meat, trotted into the reception room where Eirene was, suddenly stopping and perking up his ears.

“What is it?”

There was movement outside. As she approached the door, Zeus scratched at it, showing signs of extreme happiness.

“It’s Siaran.”

Hearing the voice outside, Eirene understood Zeus’s reaction. Your first master has come. Eirene stroked Zeus’s back before speaking at the door.

“What brings you here?”

“Do you have a moment?”

Had he not left last night? As soon as she opened the door, Zeus leaped up at Siaran.

“It’s been a while, boy.”

Siaran laughed heartily as he accommodated the dog’s enthusiastic greeting. It was a new expression for him. She hadn’t known he could laugh like that. Eirene found it hard to believe this was the same man who had cut off Zeus’s ears.

* * *

Siaran explained that he had returned home last night but came to Dervel Palace early this morning with something to deliver to Clive. He had stopped by to see Eirene briefly before leaving.

“Did you deliberately leave Zeus with me?” Eirene asked as Zeus settled comfortably beside Siaran.

“He was a dog who could be of help if anything unexpected happened.”

“I thought you had foresight.”

“I am a dark mage. I cannot foresee things that help others.”

“What about foreseeing things that make others unhappy?”

“That is precisely what a curse is. It’s what dark mages excel at.”

Eirene found Siaran’s gentle smile unfamiliar. He had been different from the moment he entered the annex and interacted with Zeus. Then again, Siaran had been very helpful when she was struggling in the underground room long ago. 

Later, she had hated him too, thinking his kindness was false, meant to help the Phineas family. But looking back now that she knew the truth, Siaran had been sincere to Eirene during that time. It had been an adventure for Eirene from the beginning.

“What were my parents like?”

“They were warm people. They gave much of their wealth to those in need and readily helped anyone who asked for assistance. Don’t you remember anything at all? Though it was for a short time, I taught you how to handle a sword and ride a horse.”

Suddenly, something occurred to Eirene.

“Did I ever attend a ball?”

“You were too young to attend balls. And you weren’t of the right status either. You did learn social dancing for fun, though. Does something come to mind?”

“Not exactly. It’s just that when I first danced, it felt familiar.”

It wasn’t all innate talent. She had learned it as a child and picked it up quickly. She had insisted to Clive, who was surprised at her handling of unfamiliar social dances and swords, that she was naturally gifted. Clive had been right.

The image of Clive smiling appeared vividly in her mind. She hadn’t known then that a day like this would come. The fact that she had to deliberately erase those happy memories from her mind left a bitter taste.

“What will you do?”

“About what?”

“About His Grace the Grand Duke.”

“Are you comfortable seeing Clive? He killed your sister, after all.”

“…I cannot forgive him. No matter what his situation was, he had a choice. But I’m trying to understand.”

To Eirene’s ears, it sounded like he was saying he would forgive with his head since his heart absolutely couldn’t. That was wise. That’s why Eirene had decided to handle the immediate issues first.

She had already made her decision, but it seemed she wanted to confirm if it was the right one by hearing Siaran’s answer.

“I haven’t made a decision yet. I plan to think about it after everything is over.”

“With the child to be born, it must be complicated. Sometimes, it’s okay to forgive someone not for their sake but for your own. Of course, I’m not saying you should forgive him, just that such an approach exists.”

There was no child to be born. If the pregnancy had been real, she might have followed Siaran’s advice. Eirene gently shook her head. There was no need for hypotheticals.

* * *

Clive returned from his outing only by evening. Eirene, who usually went out to greet him unless he was late, was there today as well. Clive, stepping out of the carriage, hesitated upon seeing Eirene before approaching her.

“Welcome back.”

“Yes.”

Eirene stepped aside to let Clive go ahead. The awkward air between them was palpable to everyone. Clive, who always smiled when seeing Eirene waiting for him upon returning to Dervel Palace, now avoided her gaze and sighed.

Eirene was the same. Her face was dark and downcast, like someone who had come out to greet him reluctantly. Following behind, Madam Hannon grabbed Ulik’s sleeve to stop him.

“Tell me what happened.”

“I don’t know either. He wouldn’t let me say a word except about today’s work. Do the annex maids know anything?”

“They say they don’t know. The young lady only met briefly with the mage who visited last night and then stayed locked in her bedroom all day.”

“Something must have happened last night that we don’t know about. Should I ask His Grace?”

“Don’t do that. There must be a reason. We should wait until His Grace speaks about it. You just support him well.”

This was the second time Madam Hannon had seen Clive like this. Long ago, for a few days before and after he stepped down from the Crown Prince position, he had acted like someone who had lost his mind. The one consolation now was that at least he didn’t look as lost as he did then.

“Yes. I need to help him diligently. He worked so excessively today that I thought he was going to war. It was quite tough for me too.”

“He is going to war, in a way.”

Though not a physical battle, Clive was facing war with the temple.

* * *

Eirene followed Clive into his office. To his questioning look, she said, “I have something to tell you.” After Clive sat down, Eirene took a seat as well. Unable to look at Clive’s face, she kept her gaze fixed on empty space until their eyes eventually met. She stared at him quietly before turning her gaze aside.

“When is Sebastian’s trial?”

“In ten days. It will be difficult to finish in one session.”

“Will it be hard to punish him?”

“Probably.”

Clive took off the coat he was wearing.

“I know it wasn’t just your fault. And I know… you had no choice.”

Clive’s movements paused as he was folding his coat carelessly. But soon he resumed folding it, placed it aside, and turned his gaze to Eirene.

“However. What was unavoidable for you, what you did to protect your family then, took my family away.”

That was an unchangeable fact.

“I’m sorry.”

Clive lowered his gaze, seemingly unable to look at Eirene.

“I’ve thought a lot. In the midst of it all, should I thank you for saving me? What would I have done in your place? But what’s the use of all that?”

“……”

“Promise me.”

Clive raised his eyes.

“That you will punish Sebastian no matter what.”

“I will. Without fail. No matter what happens.”

“Until then, I won’t think about the past. Please don’t think about it either and proceed.”

“What becomes of us?”

Us. He was asking about the future. Although Eirene had postponed thoughts about their relationship, the moment she saw Clive’s face getting out of the carriage, she realized: We cannot be together.

It was certain that every time she looked at Clive’s face, she would be reminded of her dead family. Serenity’s face telling her to run away appeared clearly. This wasn’t something that could be resolved through effort.

“After you punish Sebastian.”

Clive waited for Eirene’s next words. As the silence lengthened, his eyes looked sad. Eirene took a deep breath and forced out the words stuck in her throat.

“After you punish Sebastian, I will punish you.”

A faint smile spread across Clive’s face. Despite his sad eyes, his lips smiled. Had he been waiting for these words?

Watching him, Eirene felt pain in her chest. From now on, they could never be together. Why had fate entangled them in this way?

After his lips quivered several times, Clive smiled more brightly.

“Alright. Do that.”