It was hard to believe that only five days had passed since she lost the baby in such a hollow, senseless way. Adeline, nestled in the soft armchair and quietly counting the days, looked down at her flattened lower belly.

They said the baby’s heart had already stopped inside the womb. She placed her hand gently over the space where the child she had carried for nearly seven and a half months had been.

Nothing met her touch but the smooth feel of her silk gown. That was why carrying the baby inside her felt like something from a dream.

The doctor had offered her what amounted to a consolation that was no consolation at all, telling her not to blame herself, after she delivered the stillborn child.

〈This happens sometimes. The fetal heart stops for no particular reason…… What we call an unexpected stillbirth.〉

She pressed down gently on her belly out of habit, the belly where the round curve that had swelled like a small hill had now disappeared. Before, whenever she tapped or pressed her swollen belly, the baby inside would press back against the same spot, like a reply. But now there was no response like before.

〈This is a phenomenon with no clearly identified cause, and the stillbirth has no connection to external factors or the mother’s actions.〉

This was an unexpected accident. An unavoidable case. Strangely, the words the doctor had given her were very similar to what her husband had been saying these past few days. He had started by saying that she was safe and that was what mattered, but in the end……

〈Even if the child had been born safely, it likely wouldn’t have survived long. It was a child that came out before it had fully grown…… They said it would have been difficult to expect normal development from the child.〉

Being born into an uncomfortable body and living a life of pain under unfair eyes would have been the greater suffering, he had said. Her husband’s practical words made sense to her, but at the same time they horrified her and made her shudder. Didn’t that mean a child who wasn’t perfect was better off not being born at all.

It didn’t matter to her what the child looked like.

Even if the whole world called the child hideous or worse. Even if the child had no eyes, or no arms and legs.

I would have loved you no matter what you looked like.

As long as you were breathing, as long as you had stayed by my side, I would have treasured you gratefully for the rest of my life.

She hugged her empty belly and slowly raised her gaze, and the light streaming through the gap in the thin, half-drawn curtains stabbed at her eyes.

Adeline narrowed her brow and simply sat there, letting that bothersome autumn sunlight fall on her. She could have reached out and drawn the curtain with ease, but everything truly felt like too much trouble.

“……”

Adeline had been staring blankly at the clear glass window reflecting the unusually bright autumn sky when her lashes slowly lowered again. The sharp morning sunlight, strong enough to sting her eyes, was bearable enough on its own, but the faint, blurred afterimage of her husband that overlapped with the glass for a moment was something she couldn’t bear to keep looking at.

〈We’re going to have a baby.〉

Those few words of hers had been followed by a suffocating silence. How endlessly long those few seconds felt. The color of Kailen’s face and the look in his eyes, flustered in a way she had never seen before, were still vivid in her memory.

The formal congratulations that followed. His first words in response to hearing she was with child were something she would probably never forget for the rest of her life.

〈…… Congratulations.〉

Not like a husband, not even like an acquaintance. He had spoken like someone hearing news of a pregnancy from a complete stranger.

In the midst of it, his eyes, drifting without direction, had caught her attention too. Her heart, which had been pounding, dropped. And so she had never managed to ask whether he wasn’t happy that they were going to have a child. She had just stood there blankly, blinking, until he fell silent for a moment and then said he had never imagined a child and pulled her into his arms.

〈This is wonderful. Truly happy news, Adeline. You’ve been wanting a child so much lately.〉

But hadn’t she twisted her ankle not long ago. He had shown belated tenderness, worrying that this pregnancy might put too much strain on her body. But even held in his wide embrace, the pallor that had drained his face for just a moment still lingered before her eyes and left her unsettled.

Right, that’s how it was. The things she had been forcing herself not to see, dismissing as absurd delusions, had come to meet her as reality.

He had never wanted a child at all, not even a little.

That was why she had felt no warmth at all, even in his tender words.

What a fool she had been.

The child she had wanted out of that selfish desire, hoping to hold on to his drifting heart even a little, to keep going with a relationship that was no longer what it once was.

Then, was she being punished like this because of her own greed, acting without understanding the situation? Because she wasn’t fit to be a mother?

If so, Adeline was willing to accept that punishment for her greed. But the price for the sin she deserved to pay had been paid by the child instead.

“Huh……”

Every time she swallowed, her chest ached like it was tearing apart. Thin, ragged breaths kept escaping from Adeline’s dry lips as she gripped the armrests of the chair like she was trying to tear them off.

“……Ah.”

Sitting there, twisting her body against the armrest, she realized at some point that she was wet below. This feeling of something damp leaving her body. It was similar to five days ago when her water had broken.

It had been a calm morning, like any other. Without warning, her belly had suddenly twisted. It was clearly a different pain from the mild ache she sometimes felt. Like someone was slicing through her insides, stirring and tearing at her organs, and she had crumpled to the floor right there without being able to make a sound.

Soon, fl*id ran down her legs in a trickle, like she had urinated. At first the fl*id was pink, and then the red deepened gradually.

How terrifying that had been. She had murmured no, no, it can’t be, and then the pain tearing through her lower body had made her lose consciousness. After that, her remaining memories were scattered and sparse.

Bright light. A bed cold enough to chill her to the bone. Kailen, who had rushed over after hearing the news. She had lain trembling on that ice-cold bed and looked up at him.

〈…… It’s okay. You’re going to be okay.〉

Somehow, in that moment, he too had looked like he was in a great deal of pain.

Right, of course he did. He was a person with blood in his veins too. Even if he had grown a little tired of her, they had lived together long enough to build some attachment. And the child we had already made was innocent of any wrongdoing.

And so, through that body-rending pain, she had ultimately given birth to a dead child.

〈Postpartum bleeding will continue for a while. The placenta and blood remaining in the *terus need to be fully expelled. It is a natural process, so please don’t be too alarmed.〉

The doctor had recommended she stay hospitalized for at least ten days until she recovered, and Kailen had strongly urged the same, but Adeline had stubbornly insisted on going home.

What’s the point of taking care of my body? There’s no baby left to lose now. It’s already gone.

“So this isn’t a baby.”

Adeline murmured that and reached down. She hadn’t realized it, but not just her underwear, even the thick chair cushion beneath her was soaked through.

The thought of red bloodstains made her stomach turn. Adeline slowly got to her feet and looked around. On the bench at the foot of the bed, clean towels and quilted cloths were neatly stacked in a basket.

I should have been sitting on those.

There were plenty of people who would attend to her at a single word, but she couldn’t even be bothered to ask someone to bring her warm water to wash with. Adeline had been roughly wiping the blood that had dried on her thighs with a towel dampened with water poured from the water pitcher, and was about to take off her stained gown.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

Adeline turned her head and Kailen came into view. She had been briefly absorbed in washing herself and hadn’t even noticed him come into the bedroom. Kailen set the tray down on the table almost like a throw and snatched the wet towel away.

“Why are you doing something like this yourself?”

His low, quiet voice was thick with displeasure.

“You’re not someone who knows how to handle this sort of thing. Just call someone like you normally would.”

“…… I wanted to be alone. I don’t want to see anyone. It’s bothersome and uncomfortable.”

Somewhere in the years of their marriage, on the rare occasion he showed his displeasure, she used to not know what to do with herself. Strangely, it felt like something from a distant past.

“And I can manage this much on my own. It’s not like my fingers will break just from wiping down my own body with my own hands.”

Kailen swept a hand over his pale face with one hand and threw the wet towel down to the floor. Thud, the heavy, water-soaked towel hit the carpet with a sound louder than expected.

“Please, stop doing things like this.”

It was the first time he had shown such openly violent energy. It was clear that in the past, it would have hit her like the sky was falling, but strangely, she felt nothing.

No, I just wiped my own body down with my own hands. Is this really something worth getting this angry over? That was the only thought that came to her.