“It’s not even a big deal…… Why are you reacting so sensitively? I really hate having anyone touch me.”

“You’re a patient right now. A patient.”

So what…… It’s not like my arms and legs are broken and I can’t use them.

“If I had known it would come to this…… even if you cried and screamed about dying, I would have just kept you tied to that hospital bed.”

After learning of the stillbirth, she had caused a scene begging to be shown the baby, and for four days straight she had been strapped to the bed by all four limbs and given sedatives. Whether because of that, she now truly, truly hated having anyone touch her body.

“…… The way you’re acting, it really wears people out.”

Is that so? I’m worn out too…… by you. I have been for a very long time.

Why didn’t you show me my baby? I begged so desperately just to see the baby one last time.

Why didn’t you show me? I said please, please, just once. I begged you to let me hold the baby’s hand just once, to let me touch the baby just once.

You said I shouldn’t see? That it would only make things harder? That I absolutely couldn’t handle it?

He had treated her like a whining child as she sobbed and wailed, and he had flatly refused her desperate plea.

Even so, she had fought back. That’s my baby. Show me my baby.

It had gotten to the point where even the doctor, who had initially said not to show her the baby for the sake of her stability, had suggested it might be better to just show her if the patient was being that insistent.

Of course, the doctor’s advice was dismissed outright.

That’s my baby. Who says I can’t handle it? I said it didn’t matter what the baby looked like. I, the mother, said it didn’t matter.

And you, you……

But the anguish only knotted itself inside her chest, and whether from sheer exhaustion, she couldn’t throw herself at him in a frenzy the way she had that day.

“How many days are you going to keep starving yourself? I’m going to be honest, I’m really fed up.”

Losing the baby was a sad thing, but going without food all this time was not right, he had said. He didn’t want to watch her sit there endlessly in a daze.

“Right. You’re going to be hurting. I know it’s an unfortunate thing. But this isn’t something only we go through.”

He was right. She knew that too. She couldn’t be the only parent in the world to lose a child.

But you’re the baby’s father. Shouldn’t you not say something like that?

He was telling her that miscarriage and stillbirth weren’t some extraordinary ordeal that only she had to go through, so she should stop making such a fuss. Adeline looked up at Kailen and blinked once.

She felt like she was finally seeing his true feelings.

“Is that so? I see. If the sight of me bothers you that much, why not send me somewhere else right now?”

He must be fed up with me. No, he had already been fed up long before this. I must be uncomfortable for him. He never even wanted the child…… I must be even more unbearable and uncomfortable to him, constantly reminding him of the dead baby.

“That would be better, I think. …… But I don’t want that hospital. That place is the one thing I can’t do.”

It didn’t matter where he sent her. Truly, anywhere but the hospital where she had given birth to the dead child.

“……”

“You find me uncomfortable. Then let’s live apart for a while.”

Even in the middle of all this, she still carried a lingering attachment to him in her chest, and she couldn’t bring herself to say the word divorce, so she just rambled on.

The moment she brought up divorce herself, she felt he would take it as his cue and immediately agree, saying, ‘Fine, then. Do as you like. I’m truly done with you now.’

“I think that would be better for both of us anyway. Being together only makes us both miserable.”

Adeline found her own pathetic self utterly contemptible, but she feared the irreversible word of divorce even more. So she made the feeble suggestion of just being apart for a while.

In truth, right now it was painful to keep looking at his face. The fact that he had been keeping silent for a while now was too.

“……”

“Whether it’s a sanatorium, a convent, or a psychiatric hospital, I don’t care, so do as you please.”

“…… Don’t jump to conclusions. That’s not what I meant. I never said I was sending you anywhere like that.”

“Is that so? I thought you kept treating me like I was mentally ill……”

“……”

“I suppose a place like that would look bad to others? You have your reputation to consider. Then……”

“…… Adeline.”

“Then, will you send me to Harden? Yes. I’ll go to Harden.”

“Harden?”

Harden, where her mother Luise had lived for more than a decade, and where she now lay at rest.

“You’re saying you’ll go to Harden……”

She felt his quiet sigh settle over her head, but she paid it no mind.

“About half a year? No, maybe about a year? I think that would be enough time for me to sort out my feelings. You’re always busy anyway, so it’ll be the same whether I’m here or not. I can stay at the estate where my mother used to live.”

“Enough.”

Adeline, who had been rambling without pause, fell silent when Kailen’s large hands gripped both her shoulders.

“Enough. Stop saying nonsense and sit down.”

He pressed down on her shoulders. The force pushed her down onto the bed bench, and Adeline lifted her downcast eyes. Despite the somewhat weary look on his face, his blue eyes burned with clear anger.

“I’m sorry. I said something I shouldn’t have, Adeline. You must be going through so much because of the baby. I should have been more attentive. If I had been, you wouldn’t be saying things like this.”

He kept layering apologies and forced tenderness onto the end of every sentence, but she could still feel an unquelled anger running low beneath it all.

“It’s all my fault. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Adeline.”

It’s okay. Adeline swallowed the reflexive reply that had been about to come out and pressed her lips together. Not knowing what to say, she just looked at Kailen’s large hands kneading her own.

“……”

It was clearly not the same as before. The rare apology he occasionally offered no longer filled her with the same reverence it once had.

The version of her who had been completely consumed by Kailen Belliche would have thrown herself into his arms and wept before he even finished saying it was all his fault.

“I’ll go get some warm water, so just stay like this for a moment.”

Kailen pressed his lips to the back of her pale hand and left.

Right, it’s not your fault. The problem is my body and my heart.

Strictly speaking, what had gone wrong with the baby truly wasn’t his fault. It really wasn’t. There were times he had been inconsistent while the baby was in the womb, but later on he had tried to be devoted in his own way.

Even with a schedule so packed that an hour or two got divided down to the minute, he always accompanied her when she had to go to the hospital for the baby, and for his frequent business trips, he sent a representative in his place about half the time. By that measure, he had genuinely tried his best.

Then had she misunderstood?

Was she picking fights over nothing after all?

It seemed like you didn’t want the baby, and it seemed like you were forgetting our baby who left us too quickly…… Was I hurt because of that?

Is it really my problem? I don’t know.

Either way, her resolve to put some distance between herself and him for the time being hadn’t changed. She had been deeply feeling the truth of the saying that her mind had been going in and out lately, when Kailen returned.

A faint wisp of steam rose from the basin set at her feet.

“…… No.”

The moment Kailen knelt down, Adeline tried to get up from her seat, but her wrist was caught right away. Adeline showed her reluctance, but his hands were unhesitating as he sat her back down, pressed on her ankle, and slipped off her slipper.

“Don’t. Just call someone.”

Instead of answering, he slowly guided her foot down into the water.

“Stop this and call Tanya.”

Warm water wrapped around her ankle. But her body, already gone cold, remained chilled.

He carefully took hold of one of her calves and drew his lips up slightly.

“Didn’t you say you hated having other people touch you?”

The shape of it resembled a smile, but between the quiet voice and everything else, it carried too little strength to be called one.

“Am I the same as everyone else to you now, your own husband?”

The water-soaked cloth settled quietly onto her knee. Adeline looked down at him as he silently wiped away the dried bloodstains, and her lips trembled faintly.

“…… Kailen, looking at you is painful. It hurts.”

While she had been hospitalized, her arms and legs had been restrained to the bed to prevent further episodes. Even with soft ties, there was no preventing the marks they left on her body.

He rubbed his thumb over the red marks and bruises left on her ankle, then answered.

“…… Same for me.”

She had thought she had shed enough tears over the past few days that no more would come, but round drops began to form over her green eyes, and Adeline clenched her jaw.