Chapter 31

Wooseok drove his parents to the Seoul hospital again. After arranging the new admission, he laid his mother in the hospital room. They didn’t exchange warm words, but the three of them moved as one. When Seonjeong looked exhausted, Gwangho became her shadow. Seeing that, Wooseok felt reassured.

He was able to leave the hospital, pushed out by his mother’s words that he didn’t need to stay, because of Gwangho’s steady gaze. It was a look that said not to worry. When was the last time his father really looked him in the eyes? Wooseok couldn’t recall, and left the hospital, replaying the forgotten past in his mind.

He wanted to call Eunjae, but it was too late. There was a message from her saying she’d arrived home safely, so not to worry. Wooseok touched the screen, almost caressing the sentence. He felt both a sense of relief, as if everything had burst and poured out, and a feeling of standing in a desolate space after a storm had swept through.

Wooseok sat quietly in his car, catching his breath, then headed home. He entered the dark hallway after punching in the familiar code. The light flickered briefly, then returned to darkness.

Without turning on the lights, Wooseok went to the refrigerator, took out a bottle of water, and drank half of it before he started to feel a bit more awake. He’d been through so much, his mind felt numb. Without putting the bottle back, he walked to the dining table and sat down.

Looking toward the veranda, he found himself drawn to stand up. He opened the drawer under the living room TV, which he rarely touched. His past was neatly stored inside. Wooseok reached under the diplomas and albums and pulled out an old envelope.

Kneeling down, he ran his hand over the writing on the letter paper.

[To my younger brother, Wooseok]

His brother’s handwriting was neat and honest. Like the saying that you know a person by their handwriting, that’s what his brother was to Wooseok. He always wanted to do better and learn from him, always respected him. They were only two years apart, but never fought like other siblings.

His brother always yielded to Wooseok, and that was just his nature. So, even that day, he’d thought his brother would understand. That he’d smile even if Wooseok went to see Eunjae. Sometimes, his brother seemed almost saintly. Did he have no complaints about the world? Was there nothing to make him angry?

To Wooseok, who was in his rebellious phase, his brother seemed like a Buddha who’d mastered everything. Looking back, his brother was only twenty-two then. Too young to really know how the world worked. Not knowing who to ask for help, in the end… he could only let go of himself—a terribly kind and foolish person.

[Wooseok, it’s your brother.

I won’t ask you to understand me.

I was always happy to have you as my brother.

Please take care of our parents. I’m sorry… and I love you.]

Reading the letter again, Wooseok could only bury his head and collapse. His eyes burned. Tears surged up, but as always, he swallowed them down. When he returned home after losing his brother, he’d found the letter in his desk drawer.

Wooseok couldn’t ask why. It wasn’t just an accident. His brother had been hurting for a long time. Not knowing that broke Wooseok. He lay on the floor, silently tearing at his chest. He couldn’t even cry out loud, because of his brother’s last wish that their parents not know.

Sometimes, Wooseok wondered.

He knew all this truth—so what was he supposed to do?

Why had his brother left him with these indelible wounds and burdens?

He slowly got up. It wasn’t to read the letter again. Forgetting and living was probably right. He walked over and took out a bottle of whiskey from the kitchen. On nights when he couldn’t sleep, he’d have a drink. That much, he allowed himself as a little escape.

He poured the liquor into the glass and drank it in one go. When would the moments of comfort from the burning liquid sliding down his throat ever end? Was that even possible? He had another drink. Maybe because he hadn’t eaten much, the intoxication came quickly. Suddenly, he felt as if someone would click their tongue at him. “Drinking without any side dishes? That’ll ruin your stomach, didn’t I tell you?” He wanted to hear Eunjae’s nagging, her furrowed brow.

He needed to hear her voice. Then, maybe, he could endure the crushing feeling in his heart. He rummaged around, searching for his phone, but it was nowhere to be found. As if completely overtaken by alcohol, he crawled onto the bed.

His head spun. It didn’t feel bad. Maybe he should be grateful he could sleep soundly like this tonight. Wooseok closed his eyes and tried to think of only good things. The first, of course, was Shin Eunjae. Her bright smile when she looked at him. Every time she leaned on him, pretending not to, butterflies fluttered into his chest and made him feel alive.

“…Seok-ah. Jung Wooseok!”

At the sound of someone calling him, Wooseok lifted his heavy eyelids. A gentle shake brought him slowly upright. To his surprise, Eunjae was right in front of him. …It must be a dream. Surely.

“Did you drink? How much?”

“…A little.”

He answered, still thinking it was a dream.

“That’s not a little, is it? Any side dishes?”

When she asked, Wooseok let out a faint laugh. His head was still dizzy. His body wobbled so much he had to brace himself with one arm to avoid collapsing. Just two glasses. He wasn’t lying. When Wooseok looked aggrieved, Eunjae suddenly reached out and gently stroked his cheek.

“Did it hurt… a lot? I kept thinking about that the whole way home.”

“…”

“How much must it have hurt, not being able to say a word.”

Her comfort made his emotions surge. She seemed to know everything without him saying a thing. It was the only answer he’d ever wanted. If only she knew his pain, he could live through anything. Wooseok felt he could make that promise.

“…No. It doesn’t hurt.”

But he couldn’t let go of his tough act.

“You’re a terrible liar.”

Eunjae pointed out, and Wooseok just grinned.

“Those sleepless nights…… was that why?”

“…”

Wooseok couldn’t keep up the act. He felt like he might cry, so he lay back down.

“Forget it. Just go.”

He waved his hand in the air. Wanting desperately to let everything out, but not wanting to show his weakness—those feelings fought inside him. Wooseok raised his arm and covered his eyes. The heavy weight of his arm helped push his emotions down.

“Are you really telling me to go?”

Then Eunjae asked. Wooseok shot up faster than anyone else.

“No. Don’t go.”

He grabbed her arm and pulled her close, hugging Eunjae tightly around the waist. His face pressed into her lower belly. Eunjae, as if it was the most natural thing, quietly stroked his hair.

“…I can’t be without you.”

“…”

“So don’t say you’re leaving.”

His desperate plea sounded almost like a warning. “Just try leaving. See what happens.” As if to prove it, Wooseok hugged her even tighter. Eventually, he made her legs buckle and brought her down onto the bed with him.

“You can’t go anywhere. Never… not anymore.”

Lying on his side, Wooseok pulled Eunjae into his arms. She fit perfectly in his chest, so precious he couldn’t let go. If a moment ever came where she truly left, he felt he couldn’t survive.

For the three years she was gone, he suffered nightmares. Pain he couldn’t tell anyone about. Just having Eunjae by his side let him breathe. Then she suddenly disappeared. Left him. Those three years were hell for him.

“Are you that anxious I’ll leave?”

Eunjae quietly asked in his arms.

“…Yes.”

“Sorry. For making you anxious.”

Wooseok opened his blurry eyes and looked at Eunjae. Her eyes were pitch black. She always called it her complex, but Wooseok liked those eyes, like black pebbles. He liked everything, but seeing those clear eyes made him feel stronger, too.

“What’s the point of just saying it?”

He asked, as usual, with a sly smile.

“Then what should I do?”

“Stay like this… in front of me, forever.”

Wooseok took her cheek and brought it close to his own. Just looking at each other made their hearts fill with light. All the dark, murky pain faded and washed away. Only the two of them could feel it. Maybe love was something that couldn’t be explained, just carved into the heart.

His hot lips touched Eunjae’s. After a brief bite and release, his arm slid down, wrapped around her waist, and pulled her body close. Trapped and unable to escape, Eunjae received Wooseok’s desperate kisses.

“Haa, mm…”

Their tongues mingled deeply, and Wooseok shifted to climb over Eunjae’s body. When their lips parted for breath, he tossed his clothes off in one swift motion. Even then, his gaze never left her. Wooseok’s eyes, burning with sudden desire, made Eunjae’s lower belly flush with heat.