Chapter 7 – That’s Why I To You (Part 4)

The seasons of being nineteen were mostly tough. When she was exhausted from studying and anxious about the uncertain future, Junhee imagined herself and Dowook at twenty.

After the college entrance exam. When we become adults. If we go to the same university and walk around the campus together. If I tell Dad that I’m dating Choi Dowook, what would he say? Coud it be, ‘What kind of jerk took my daughter? Could it be that rude Choi Dowook?’?

She imagined her dad grabbing the back of his neck and spitting out his words. She chuckled quietly.

The expressions and words his parents and grandfather would have, she pictured Song Yeong-joo’s faint smile. Dowook’s father wasn’t very interested in him. Dowook’s grandfather, Choi Pil-jae, had high expectations for him….

Thinking about it made her gaze drop to the floor. She didn’t have the naive expectation that they would fully welcome her. So Dowook became another goal for Junhee. She wanted to stand confidently by his side.

When we turn twenty, I’ll hold hands with Dowook. We’ll become lovers as he wishes. We’ll do more than just kiss. Maybe we’ll fight and break up and never see each other again, but at least it wouldn’t be because of external forces. That would be too painful.

Driven by the vague ambition not to lose to him, not to be inferior to Choi Dowook of Taesan, she studied like crazy. Her grades gradually improved.

Dowook seemed to be focusing on his studies as well. Perhaps he really intended to keep the promise made in February. He didn’t come close to Junhee beyond a certain point. He didn’t call her to do trivial errands or bother her, disrupting her studies. He stopped cupping her face and kissing her.

Dowook would sit in the classroom and study, and when he felt suffocated, he would go out and exercise and come back. Soccer, basketball, tennis, swimming—he didn’t care about the sport.

It was a day in early summer.

Junhee saw Dowook in a park near the school. In the middle of a mixed group of boys and girls, Dowook was wiping the sweat from his neck and drinking a beverage. She thought absentmindedly that he must have played basketball again.

Dowook’s group was sharing takeout food. Several motorcycles were parked haphazardly on one side of the park, and the kids were laughing loudly at something.

A girl in the same school uniform as Dowook handed him a slice of pizza. Dowook took it and devoured it in a few bites. The girl smiled with her eyes and said something to Dowook. He turned his face towards the girl, so Junhee couldn’t guess his words or expression.

A bicycle leisurely passed behind Junhee. She turned around at the sound of the pedals. Just before she turned, her eyes met Dowook’s.

Their eyes met, but Junhee ignored him and turned away, just as he often did to her.

The next day, Dowook’s breathing was rough when he returned to the classroom after leaving suddenly during self-study time. He pulled up the white shirt under his uniform jacket to wipe the sweat from his neck.

“What are you looking at?”

When their eyes met, Dowook spoke with a fierce face. Junhee quietly turned her head. She tried to focus on the problems in her workbook again. The irregular, rough breaths Dowook was exhaling behind her scattered her concentration.

In the end, it was Junhee who couldn’t stand it.

She didn’t like his fierce face and cold words. She was pissed off that he was acting like he wasn’t affected by her at all. And he had accepted pizza from another girl. Her pride was hurt. Birds of the same feather flock together, they say, and since he was mean, Junhee was mean too.

She dragged him and kissed him. It was in a shaded spot behind the school building. Choi Dowook, who had flinched and been startled, soon opened his mouth and sucked on Junhee’s tongue. When did he act like he didn’t know her and drew a line?

His breath, which poured out like a dam breaking, was overwhelming. Dowook moved his lips and jaw roughly as if he were going to devour Junhee. It was the first time they had kissed so intensely that she couldn’t keep up with his breath, and her lips swelled from the kiss.

It was overwhelming, but she pretended it wasn’t. What was pride, anyway? Junhee moved her tongue skillfully, pretending to be experienced, and accepted Dowook’s breath. When their lips parted for a breath, she asked boldly while panting.

“Are you studying well?”

“Yeah, damn well.”

Dowook replied, panting heavily. Junhee laughed at his answer.

“Liar.”

“Why ask if you know?”

“Calm down.”

There was a subtle sharpness in Dowook’s eyes.

“You were exercising like a mad beast.”

In truth, it was because she didn’t like him hanging out with other kids.

“You said you’d go to Korea University with me.”

It was because she couldn’t stand seeing him accept pizza from another girl.

“Don’t get distracted and just study hard.”

She maintained her pride with such words.

Dowook burst into laughter. The shadows created by the early summer greenery flickered over his face. It wasn’t something to laugh about, but Dowook’s sharp eyes curved gently as he laughed for a long time.

The way his mouth opened wide, his white and even teeth, the shallow dimples at the corners of his lips, the strong pine scent, and the laughter that poured out. The vibrations of the sound waves created by Dowook’s laughter transmitted directly to Junhee’s chest. After a long laugh, Dowook spoke.

“Don’t get distracted either.”

Dowook’s hand cupped Junhee’s face.

“You started this.”

He pressed her chin with his thumb. He made her open her lips. His breath poured out again. His breath penetrated deep into Junhee’s lungs. She closed her eyes. Behind her closed eyelids, she could see Dowook’s smiling face from earlier.

“Focus on me.”

Dowook’s warm breath tickled her nose. When she opened her eyes again, she saw his flushed face. Under the faint shadows created by the leaves, Dowook’s sensitive atmosphere stood out.

“It’s pathetic. You’ve done it so many times, but you haven’t improved.”

Junhee quickly understood what he meant by not improving. She bit her lips and retorted sharply.

“Maybe I need to do it more.”

It was half a provocation. She thought he would like it if she said that. She thought he would be flustered and excited, and then he would pounce on her. Then, as she had always done, she would use studying as an excuse to push him away. But Dowook didn’t pounce. Instead, he laughed arrogantly.

“If we do it more here, you’ll die.”

His face showed how ridiculous he found her.

“You won’t get into college, you won’t meet friends, you won’t go to Nonsan, you’ll be stuck here forever.”

“Nonsense.”

“Want to see if it’s nonsense?”

Dowook brought his face closer again. This time, his body was also very close to Junhee. Heat radiated from Dowook. Junhee held her breath for a moment. Dowook’s body pressed against her chest. It felt strange.

Trying to maintain her pride, Junhee boldly looked up at Dowook. He chuckled. Something from his tightly pressed body touched Junhee’s lower abdomen. She didn’t know what it was at the time.

It just felt strange. She didn’t know what it was, but it felt so strange and somehow embarrassing. In the end, she swallowed her pride and tried to move away from him.

Dowook quickly pulled her back. He hugged her tightly without any gaps. His lips touched her forehead.

She should have pushed him away, but she saw the green leaves gently falling behind him. The tall tree leisurely dropped its leaves in the wind blowing from somewhere. She watched the gently moving leaves. It felt like something was blowing into her heart too. The wind was stronger than she thought. Her chest ached.

“I’m going crazy.”

His anxious voice fell.

“Really, I’m going crazy.”

Because of you.

…It would be nice if we could become adults soon.

The words he whispered like a sigh stayed with her for a long time.

When we become adults. 

Sometimes Junhee repeated Dowook’s words. 

When we become adults. 

Just repeating that phrase brought back the image of Dowook laughing brightly that day, hugging her anxiously, and the heat he radiated.

Remembering it made her chest heat up and a haze rise in her stomach. Following the spreading haze, her heart fluttered and throbbed.

On days when she couldn’t stand it and felt like her chest would burst, she wanted to hug him tightly and kiss him again. She held back that feeling with all her might. Because they were still young and immature. Because they still needed to prepare.

But she realized that Dowook was struggling with this time too. It hurt her more to see him struggling than to endure her own pain. Maybe it was because they had spent so many years together, maybe it was because of their friendship, or maybe it was because of a deeper feeling.

Whatever it was, Junhee also wished to become an adult soon. When she became an adult, she would definitely tell him. She would convey her feelings to him. 

Would Dowook be happy then? How happy would he be? What expression would he make, what words would he say? When we become adults.

So when we become adults, I will tell you….