08. Spring

100 years ago.

1,000 years ago.

10,000 years ago.

100,000,000 years ago.

10,000,000,000 years ago.

Perhaps even longer ago.

It was so long ago that no one except a single being could remember.

There was a moment when neither time nor space existed. Since there was no concept of time, it was neither past nor present. Much less the future. So in a way, even saying it was “long ago” is an incorrect expression.

What began first was a certain thought.

“It” felt good. It thought it felt good. That was the first thought in this world. With “thought” came the concept of “time” needed to think that thought.

‘Good. Good. Good. Good. Really good.’

It thought continuously for a very long “time.” By today’s standards, it thought for enough time for several eras to end and begin anew. Thinking like that in a place where only “time” existed with nothing else, it finally had a different thought.

‘Good? Good, you say? Then could it be less good? Could it be not good?’

‘And so it thought about “dislike.” Dislike? Why dislike? Because there’s nothing? Nothing at all? What exists then? What? What is it? What?’

Why? What? The moment it added a question mark to its thought, the moment it expressed doubt, its thinking burst and flowed like an exploding bomb.

Thought became the material that created everything in the world. That thought continuously created new concepts. I. You. Play. Fun. Story. See. Space. Sound. Land. All new concepts emerged according to the thoughts of this single being, existing right there, and that was the true beginning of the world.

The beginning was simple. Since there was a thinking “I,” a “you” was needed to share thoughts with, and to share thoughts, stories had to be told, and to tell stories, sound had to exist, which first required the existence of space. In this way, things became more and more complex bit by bit.

After a very long time passed again, there was land, there was sky, there were numerous living beings. All created by the first “thought.”

Everything in the world was governed by certain laws, but only the first thought was free from them. This was because that “thought” was what allowed the world to exist.

It sometimes took the form of a lion, sometimes the form of a badger, and sometimes became a flowing river or the sky itself.

Time passed again. Living beings evolved and devolved according to the laws of the world. By far the most deeply thinking and remarkably developed was humanity. “Thought” increasingly took human form as days went by.

Sometimes it became an adult male, sometimes a baby, and sometimes it appeared not as one but as many.

It was not constrained by appearance or number of existences. Being split into many did not mean it was not one, and existing alone did not mean it was not many.

Since it was not governed by the laws of the world, it could see all the world’s events at a glance, could intervene anywhere, and could make what existed non-existent or what didn’t exist existent. It could intervene in the past and present simultaneously, and as long as time existed, it could intervene in the future as well. It was everywhere and nowhere.

It was truly the absolute being.

Intelligent people gradually recognized the existence of the absolute being influencing their lives. Since it always appeared in different forms, some believed it to be an adult male, some worshipped it as an old woman, and others claimed “it” was not one but many, and served it accordingly.

They all commonly called it “God.” It found that title not too bad. So from then on, it defined itself as “God.”

People firmly believed that the “God” they believed in was real and all other gods were falsehoods created by humans. This became the greatest seed of war between them. Many people died and were injured. When war ended in one place, it began in another.

God disliked seeing the living beings it loved hurting and wounding each other. So as “God,” it tried somehow to stop the fighting. Being the only absolute being in the world, it thought it would be easy.

But it wasn’t so simple. It was strange. Everything should happen as it wished, but it could not control humans slashing and cutting each other. The more deeply it intervened, the more intense their conflicts became.

God realized that its disappearance from their sight was the wisest solution.

God built its own garden in a place neither of this world nor the afterlife, where no one could find it. The garden was not bound by time or weather, so all the flowers of the world bloomed and withered regardless of season, soil, and amount of sunlight. It was truly the most beautiful garden that no one could imagine. God spent a very long time alone in that garden.

Being between this world and the afterlife, it was a garden where everything began and everything ended. God called its garden the Garden of Beginning.

God occasionally thought of, created, and made new flowers bloom in the Garden of Beginning. That was all the pleasure it could have there. So as time passed, it inevitably came to miss the warmth of moving living beings.

Flowers were beautiful but not something to share thoughts with. God was inherently meaningless unless it shared thoughts, shared thinking with someone.

Since God could exist as multiple beings, it tried to split itself into many and talk to itself, but that too was in vain. They had no differences in thought. Talking to oneself with identical thoughts provided little remedy for God’s deep loneliness.

Yet it could not bring any other thinking being to this place that was neither of this world nor the afterlife.

After much thought, God created a small lake in the garden. It was the only lake connected to the world. Since direct involvement might cause trouble again, it decided to influence the world slightly from a distance.

All the events of the world were reflected rippling in the lake. God looked at the lake all day, sometimes putting its hand in to create new waves, disturbing the gently spreading ripples to adjust the world. In this way, it issued revelations as “God” and cared for humans and all other living beings.

Although it could not directly think with someone else, just watching other living beings form relationships, share thoughts, influence each other, and live was a great comfort to the lonely God.

A long time passed again. The world had now almost completely settled. God’s care was no longer needed.

No, in fact, God had been unnecessary even before that. From the time God left the earth to stay in its solitary garden, the world began to stand on its own.

God acknowledged this fact very late. A world complete on its own without its involvement was very sad for God.

Occasionally, it would put its hand into the pond and stir it up, creating events that didn’t need to exist and applying them as variables. These were things that could exist or not exist. At first, the events created by God seemed to have a great impact on the world, but the world would somehow regain its balance on its own. It was like an admirable child who, despite being led astray with detours, eventually returns to the main path.

God was now truly left alone. People still served and worshipped their respective gods, but it was merely symbolic. God could no longer have the immense influence on them as before.

‘I’m lonely.’

God thought.

‘I’m lonely. So lonely. Lonely enough to feel like rotting black.’

The garden reflecting its state of mind instantly turned gray. Even the colorful and pretty flowers weren’t real. Living beings could not set foot in the Garden of Beginning. It was a place without even butterflies or bees, let alone humans.

God sat in front of the pond all day looking into it without thinking. Monotonous days repeated of poking here and there in the pond or putting its feet in and splashing.

It envied humans who formed relationships, cared for each other, and loved. It even envied their fighting and hatred. Being able to fight and hate means there exists a “you” to be the object. Current God had no such existence.

God, who could do everything, was in fact the only being in the world who could do nothing. The moment it finally realized this, it vowed to no longer live as God.

It wanted to experience love, hate, jealousy, and admiration. Even sadness seemed enviable. These were all emotions it had created but hadn’t properly felt for a very long time.

It stood up and shook off all the powers clinging to its body. As the powers fell away, all sorts of rules of the world attached to it. It embraced them all and jumped into the pond.

God was finally born as an ordinary human according to its wish.

The country where God was born was a place that worshipped God in the form of a human woman. They called God the “Goddess Amir.”

God was born as the daughter of a duke in a powerful ducal family of the Empire.

Freia Nigritia, that was her.

♣ ♣ ♣

God became the human Freia, so at that point, it was as if God did not exist. God could see the past, present, and countless possibilities of the future, but could not influence the world at a time when God did not exist.

Since God no longer played with the lake water, revelations no longer came to the temple. The temple’s authority gradually weakened, and imperial power gradually strengthened. It was such a time.

God wanted to shed all memories of being God and become just an ordinary woman.

However, while the vessel was human, its contents were God, so the vessel could not possibly endure. That was the cause of Freia’s constant illness. It was a disease that could not be cured without dying.