Chapter 6.4

In her dream, she met the dog she had chased after last time again.

The large dog, which had grown even bigger in the meantime, was enthusiastic as soon as it saw her this time too.

Encouraged by such an attitude, she reached out her hand to pet its head, and it rushed at her wildly, expressing its affection intensely. It licked her hands and face until they were covered in saliva.

When she whined and shouted “Stop!” about thirty times, it backed away.

It looked so dejected as if it had been abandoned, so when she said “Alright, I give up” and hugged it, it wagged its tail happily again.

But wasn’t the dog in her arms gradually getting bigger?

‘Huh, what?’

Though she pushed it away in confusion, the large dog took on her husband’s face and spoke arrogantly.

‘Go Ah-jin. Have me.’

As soon as she opened her eyes wide, what she saw was a thick arm placed across her chest. Once she became aware of her husband’s weight, she immediately felt languid.

Until dawn, they had intimacy to the point of death, sparing no effort with their bodies. Having overworked their bodies, now was the time to think with her head.

Intimacy with her husband in the past had only been embarrassing.

There was also contempt toward herself for heating up so easily under her husband’s touch. But that was only part of it, and the real reason was because of her husband.

It was embarrassing to see her husband who would suddenly change when she was placed on the bed.

Normally, he wasn’t that kind of man at all. An ice crystal-like man who would immediately show a disgusted expression at just seeing the first letter of lewd jokes. That cynical smile and sarcastic attitude suited him maddeningly well.

She had thought her feelings toward such a husband were close to pure.

But her husband was duplicitous. Though she hadn’t been with many men, among those she had briefly encountered, none had such a large gap as her husband.

If someone was affectionate normally, they were generally that way in bed too.

However, her husband Choi Jin-wook was completely different between day and night. After embracing her so passionately, when day broke he would dress neatly with a more noble attitude than anyone in the world and go to work.

Her heart toward such a husband couldn’t help but be duplicitous as well. In the early days of their marriage, she really couldn’t adapt.

Separately from that, since she also liked her husband who was unhesitant in physical contact, she had to reflect on even her own intimate preferences.

‘Did I want such embarrassing and explicit acts?’

While feeling guilty like someone committing immoral acts, she was also excited as if she had achieved the escape she had always dreamed of.

And she despaired at her husband who seemed to want nothing beyond intimacy, and eventually even came to hate that she had fallen in love with such a husband. In the end, she reached a state of resignation.

Though the curtains were drawn, morning sunlight was coming in through tiny gaps.

It must have been past 9 a.m. by now.

It was the weekend, but her husband should have already left for work. Yet, for some reason, he didn’t seem to be preparing to go.

Her husband had never asked her to see him off when he left for work.

Still, every morning, as her husband transformed back into a devoted businessman, she felt so embarrassed that she was still stuck in the night. Even though she was not a morning person, she would stubbornly set her alarm and get up for that reason.

‘As expected, people can’t change all of a sudden.’

She recalled her escape from the previous night.

Leaving the familiar newlywed home for her friend’s place, then heading to a hotel. With her husband, whom she’d thought she’d never go anywhere with again after their honeymoon.

The environment had changed and variables had arisen. It could have been her wisdom tooth or it could have been intimacy with her husband.

Either way, she had crossed the final line she’d drawn with her husband. And she had stepped inside his boundaries.

‘Ah-jin. I never even imagined my life would turn out like this. That I would have a child without a husband and live this kind of life – when I was your age, I really couldn’t even imagine it.’

Just before closing her eyes, her mother had said that. She wanted to live as she had thought, but at some point, she began to think as she had lived.

After speaking calmly with such a peaceful face, her mother asked her to hold her. When she hugged her mother, who had grown smaller than herself, those words didn’t really hit home.

But now, she understood. Life was truly unpredictable.

Her conviction about divorce was wavering. Whether to hold onto these feelings or let them go—even such a simple choice seemed difficult compared to the rest of her life.

“Why don’t you sleep a bit more?”

A while later, her husband woke and spoke, and she asked him a rather random question.

“Um, what do you think if I cut my hair?”

She still hadn’t forgotten about the bob cut. She still wanted to cut her long hair.

“It’ll suit you.”

“Really? That’s good.”

Her husband’s response wasn’t bad. She wished he’d ask why, but his answer was unexpected.

“Don’t ask me, just do what you want.”

Still, she wanted him to ask.

“Ask me why I want to cut it.”

“Why do you want to cut it?”

“Hm. I’ll just keep it a secret.”

It was enough to hear that it would suit her. She was too embarrassed to reveal her childish reason. She shook her head and closed her mouth, and her husband clicked his tongue, sounding displeased.

“I have no secrets from you.”

She decided to just listen. Her husband rarely talked about himself.

“Since we got married, you’ve been my only family.”

Liar. Was he sugarcoating his words or something?

How could he say such things?

“You won’t believe this, but…”

That was the problem. She shouldn’t believe it, but because he was her husband, she wanted to believe he was sincere.

“You probably won’t believe it either… but I felt that way even before we got married.”

“When was that?”

“Since our arranged meeting. I wanted to become family with a man like you.”

“Did I appeal to you that much?”

“There’s no way a man like you would love me, right? So I thought I’d just have a one-sided crush and be content.”

He was a man with no possibility from the start.

So she thought it would be okay to love him. She thought she could stop liking him at any time. She vowed over and over not to let her feelings spill out.

“Just until marriage… I’d be greedy, but not want more. I didn’t deserve more. But marriage was just the beginning. Every time you held me, my desire inside awakened.”

Who could have known her husband would be the biggest variable?

It would have been better if they didn’t even have s*x, or if he hadn’t treated her like a person at all.

She had two conflicting feelings.

She felt fortunate to at least have s*x with her husband, but as a woman, she was tormented every night by the misery of it being the only thing she had.

Each time, she would look at her sleeping husband and remind herself:

Never close the distance between them. Never be the one to approach him first.

That was her last remaining pride, her compromise.

“I’m sorry for loving you alone and planning to stop alone. So I’ll give you a hint.”

“What is it?”

“Just let me feel loved. If you do that… I’m confident I’ll never leave you.”

“I’ll give you that, and a child too.”

She smiled a little at her husband’s certainty. Having a child wasn’t something you could just get because you wanted it, but her husband was overflowing with confidence.

Maybe that was the intuition of a company owner or something.

“Ugh.”

She groaned, covering her cheek with her palm. She’d forgotten the pain from her wisdom tooth.

“Let’s go to the dentist together.”

Seeing her scrunched-up eyes, her husband immediately sat up.

“Ugh. Together…?”

“I’ll use this chance to change my regular dentist too.”

After she got dressed, her husband grabbed his car keys. Before she could even set foot on the floor, he scooped her up.

Being carried like a princess while fully awake was overwhelming.

He didn’t put her down until they reached the parking lot and then the dentist’s reception area. It was winter break, so there were plenty of family patients in pairs and threes.

Of course, only she and her husband were wearing hotel slippers. Sitting side by side on the waiting room sofa, looking at the four slippers in a row, she couldn’t help but laugh.

“What’s so funny?”

Her husband asked, but she kept laughing until her name was called and she had to go to the examination room.

Even without looking, she could picture her husband in his suit, dragging his slippers behind her, and it made her laugh again.