“Entrance…? You wanted to work in the royal palace?”

“…”

He stayed silent, a silence that felt like neither an affirmation nor a denial. To a young orphan boy, the royal palace must have seemed like a dream. As I considered this, Zetak looked at me with a self-deprecating expression.

“I accepted without knowing that the person I was supposed to monitor was Your Highness, but even if I had known, I still would have accepted. There was no other way for me to enter the palace.”

“It seems you had quite an illusion about life in the royal palace.”

Zetak remained quiet, but the subtle shift in his gaze hinted at a trace of guilt. It made sense—he had been by my side for four years, regardless of his role as a spy. Even if his initial purpose was deceitful, it was only natural that some attachment would form over time.

“I’m going to meet Your Highness… no matter what.”

The memory of a young voice from the orphanage suddenly came back to me—the child who had vowed to come see me. Zetak, who had taken on the role of a spy with the goal of entering the palace—if that child was truly Zetak, could it be that he accepted the role of a spy just to meet me? No, that seemed unlikely.

Surely he wouldn’t have risked being caught up in the palace’s dangerous schemes just to see me. Even as a child, he must have understood the risks that came with being a spy—the value of keeping one’s head attached to their shoulders. Knowing that, would he have really gambled with his life so easily? Even if the child I saved from the orphanage turned out to be Zetak, it was doubtful he remembered the incident clearly. He had been on the brink of starvation back then; in such a delirious state, it would have been difficult for him to remember me properly.

“I never once betrayed Your Highness,” Zetak murmured quietly.

“I only passed on false information whenever they demanded anything. From the beginning, my purpose was…”

“What was your purpose?” I asked.

“…”

Zetak closed his mouth, clearly unwilling to say more. If, by some slim chance, the orphan I had saved was truly Zetak—and if, by an even slimmer chance, he had entered the palace just to see me—if he would only say that, even once, what would I… What would I do for him? Again, a tight, uncomfortable feeling gripped my stomach. Without realizing it, I pressed the spot where it hurt. Now that I thought about it, I had skipped breakfast. Maybe that was the reason.

“There’s no need for excuses. Whether you were a spy or not, what difference does it make now?”

“This isn’t an excuse. I… I never did anything that would harm Your Highness.”

I didn’t respond. How many people would genuinely believe those words? He had been planted as a spy from the start. Zetak claimed he only passed along false information, but it couldn’t have always been that way. Otherwise, he would have faced punishment or worse.

“I’ll stay by Your Highness’s side. That’s what I want.”

The words he had said to me long ago resurfaced in my mind. The bright smile, the eyes that shone with happiness, the almost foolishly devoted attitude—how had I not seen it then? There was no reason for such dedication toward someone you had just met, unless there was an underlying purpose.

“So that’s why you followed me so closely.”

It was a strange feeling. I had already suspected he was someone’s pawn based on Karial’s behavior, but hearing it confirmed from his own lips felt different.

“When Your Highness cast me aside…”

“…”

“I thought it was because you found out I was a spy,” he said quietly, almost as if confessing his sins. Was he feeling guilt from some lingering sense of attachment?

“I didn’t want to make you feel betrayed. So, I pretended not to know the reason until the very end. I didn’t care if Your Highness decided to torture me.”

Because I’m used to enduring pain. For some reason, hearing him say that made my heart tighten painfully. Memories flashed in my mind—the cries of a child filled with agony, begging, pleading, appealing for mercy. They were echoes from when I had saved him from the temple. Memories that I had once dismissed as insignificant.

I was aware that I had committed inhumane acts, but I had never felt guilt over them. Yet now, something felt different. Unlike before, there was a heavy weight pressing on my heart.

“I thought if I endured all of that, you would let me stay by your side again,” he admitted. “Even if you knew the truth, I believed that once your anger subsided, you would allow me to be near you again.”

“Foolish. Who would keep a spy by their side again?”

His expression twisted at my words, a strange mix of mockery and resentment.

“It was Your Highness who made me believe that,” he said, his voice firm and resolute. What on earth had made him trust me so much? Perhaps I had treated Zetak more leniently than others. But had I really done anything worthy of earning such trust?

“But that wasn’t it, was it? The reason you cast me aside wasn’t because I was a spy.”

“…No, it wasn’t.”

“There’s no need to ask for forgiveness. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

I remembered the words I had spoken to him in the prison and the look on his face, filled with confusion and disbelief. Even as he gasped in pain, he never took his eyes off me.

“I’m simply curious… to see when you might start to hate me.”

I recalled how his eyes twisted in agony—it seemed more painful than when I had pulled out his nails, more excruciating than when his face was scorched over hot coals. It had been a simple act of torture driven by my curiosity. I wondered what he must have felt hearing those words—resentment? Disappointment? Surely, something like that. Yet, despite my cruel words, Zetak remained unshaken.

He begged to stay by my side, as if nothing else mattered. At some point, he stopped asking for forgiveness or speaking to me, but his eyes always pleaded—just let me stay by your side. So, I took up the whip. I branded him, too. The screams of pain, the nauseating smell of burning flesh, the eyes slowly filling with hatred. And even as I witnessed all of it, I felt nothing.

“I ask you… Do you still like me?”

“…I… Your Highness, I…”

I will kill you.

“I really like Your Highness.”

Two different words from the same person. Different eyes. Different emotions. Even if his declaration of liking me had only been flattery, that smile had been truly beautiful.

“Your Highness…?”

A voice suddenly pulled me from my thoughts. I turned my gaze toward him and saw the strangely contorted expression on his face.

“Why…?”

“Why are you crying?” he asked, his words completely unexpected.

“Am I crying?”

I murmured, touching my face with my hand. My expression hadn’t changed; there was no sign of sadness. Yet, inexplicably, the corners of my eyes were wet. Zetak gently brushed the tears away with his fingers, the cool sensation of his scales tightening the knot in my stomach.

There was a time when I had wiped away Zetak’s tears like this, simply out of curiosity, fascinated by the tears that flowed from emotion. I wondered if these tears I was shedding now were also caused by emotion.

Am I sad now? No. I still don’t feel anything. Nothing at all.

Zetak’s expression was dark as he looked at me, and for some reason, his eyes seemed filled with pain.

“What were you thinking?”

Instead of answering, I looked up at him. The child who had stayed by my side for four years. The child I had trampled on and cast aside. The child I had forgotten after abandoning. There was no reason for me to cry now, reminiscing about the past. Did I care for this child? When I had asked myself that question long ago, the answer had been no. Even seeing him in pain, I felt nothing. And yet, now, why?

“You’ll start to learn emotions after another twenty years or so.”

Suddenly, I remembered the words spoken by the butterfly man. Emotions. Was I starting to develop emotions, too? Could a monster like me really grow emotions over time? I couldn’t be sure. In the future I had seen, I still had no emotions.

Even ten years from now, in that future, I felt nothing. So why could I feel something now that I couldn’t feel then? Had the future changed? What exactly had changed?

“At your age, you should start feeling things now and then. Though, even if you do feel something, you might not realize it yet.”

Realization. Was it that, in the future, I never had a trigger for realization? Had I spent all that time without recognizing any feelings because there was no pivotal moment like this? I had many theories, but none that I could be certain of.

If my hypothesis was correct, then five years ago, while I was trampling on Zetak, I might have felt tormented without ever realizing it. But that didn’t seem possible. I had felt nothing back then, which was why I could conclude that I didn’t care for him, and why I could so easily forget him after casting him aside.

“Seeing a human wail and feeling a pang in your heart… No, maybe it’s still too early for that.”

Why had the butterfly man said that to me? Had he experienced something similar? Had he ever felt that kind of pain, watching someone else suffer? He said it was too early for me to feel such things. But how much earlier? How much longer would it take for me to understand what guilt felt like? Did the butterfly man also go through this process to develop emotions?

“The moment I clearly recognized my own emotions…”

He had said that while tapping his chest. He was likely referring to the human whose body he had taken. At the time, I didn’t give much thought to his words. The battle had ended, and I had lost. My shell was shattered, torn apart, and I lay on my back, awaiting death. In that moment, the butterfly man’s circumstances were the least of my concerns.

“Originally, this body belonged to a creature that was nothing more than a toy for other monsters. I took it away and cared for it. I even shared the meat I hunted and wrapped it in my wings so it wouldn’t be cold while sleeping. Though, to be fair, this creature was half-mad when I saved it, so it feared me.”

Why would it fear me when I hadn’t even embraced it? The butterfly man had seemed almost sad as he spoke. Yes, I remember now. The butterfly man hadn’t taken over his “toy’s” body by force. I had assumed as much, but now that the memories were resurfacing, I recalled that it wasn’t like that at all.

“I took care of it for about three months… but it was being crushed under the weight of my power, dying. Before it passed, I tried merging with it. I thought maybe, just maybe, it could cling to life by attaching to my body.”

But it died anyway. He had mumbled those words, and tears unmistakably flowed from his eyes. Yet, even then, it seemed he hadn’t realized he was crying—just like me. Though he had emotions, he didn’t seem to fully recognize that he was feeling sadness.

Even someone who had lived longer than I had struggled with such things. So, how long would it take for me to truly understand everything?

If I hadn’t cast Zetak aside, if I had kept him by my side a little longer, would things between us have turned out differently?

No. The result would have likely been the same. Eventually, I would have killed him. Zetak was a child sent by someone to stay close to me. Once I learned that truth, no matter when it happened, I would have inevitably killed him. So in the end…

“I don’t regret trampling on you.”

There’s no reason for me to regret it. It was something that was bound to happen, sooner or later. It was just a matter of timing. Hearing this must have infuriated Zetak.

To have the one who broke him show neither regret nor remorse—it wasn’t surprising when Zetak reached out toward me. He might kill me right here and now. Despite having kept him close to avoid such a fate, why had I said something so callous? Yet, strangely, I didn’t regret it.

I expected him to scratch my face with his nails, just as I had seen in the future. But instead, his cold hand only brushed against my eyes. When he looked at his damp fingertips, I couldn’t comprehend it. It seemed I had been crying again.