Time passed and before I knew it, the time to leave for the academy approached. A tutor had handled my basic education, but there were limits. For a more systematic curriculum, I had to go to the academy.

It was a process any noble heir should naturally accept. Since I’d always thought about it, it wasn’t sudden. However, I didn’t feel like leaving Clea alone and going to that distant place.

“What if someone bullies that ugly girl while I’m gone?”

Even though things had become quite peaceful lately, there were always fools who didn’t know their place and tried to climb up. On top of that, impatience rose at Clea’s appearance, which grew prettier day by day like flowers in full bloom.

“Should I have the engagement ceremony first before I go? So other guys can’t even eye her.”

I boiled inside with worries all my own. Having an engagement ceremony at a young age wasn’t particularly strange, but I wanted to become a more impressive man before standing beside Clea. 

Unable to reach any real conclusion, time just passed endlessly.

Then came the day to attend the early noble gathering. The name was grand, but there was nothing special about it. They just gathered the children of influential noble families to maintain friendships from a young age. A meeting thoroughly formed by mutual interests, you could say.

Trivial and boring conversations went back and forth. With a listless expression, I stared at one patch of grass that swayed unusually that day. I felt Clea’s strangely familiar presence. Then the conversation topic turned to the academy.

“Ah, I absolutely hate things like studying.”

“Me too. Compared to my older brother, my innate magical power is just a handful, so I don’t think I can really develop talent in that direction either.”

“But the expectations from home are so huge. Ugh.”

The grass that had been moving stopped, perhaps conscious of me watching. Just as I was about to go check out of curiosity, Medius next to me called my name.

“Thadeus, what about you?”

“Me? What.”

“I was wondering if you’d thought about which direction you’ll go once you’re at the academy.”

It was a question I’d never really thought deeply about. This might sound somewhat cocky, but I’d never experienced difficulty in my life so far.

Once I saw a book, I never forgot it, and with swordsmanship, I could immediately copy what others did just by eyeballing it. Beyond that, knowing one thing meant understanding ten—I belonged to what people called geniuses.

‘Do I really need to think about that? I can just pick something randomly and do it.’

Then suddenly Clea’s small, delicate body came to mind. The Clea I’d watched from close by was weak. She got teased wherever she went, and even though she wasn’t as sick as before, to my eyes she looked more fragile than a freshly hatched chick.

I’d thought that several times before, when Clea got lost at Dark Chestnut Mountain. If only I weren’t a child but a strong, powerful knight. Wouldn’t I have been able to find Clea faster?

As those thoughts continued, I had a goal for the first time.

“I’m going to become a knight.”

“A knight?”

“I should at least become a knight commander to not hurt my pride.”

That way I could protect Clea from danger. After having a goal, I focused even more on wooden sword sparring than before. Once I went to the academy, there would be many exceptional people, and I had to become the absolute best among them.

In that sense, Kailen was a decent sparring partner. Even though he had some nasty personality traits, he was one of the few opponents who could maintain an even match while sparring with me.

Usually we sparred by going back and forth between our estates. That day he came to my house for sword sparring, but at some point he became strange. He couldn’t concentrate at all, and later he started spouting nonsense.

“Hey, Thadeus. I’ve been curious about something for a while.”

Kailen was originally full of vanity and couldn’t be objective about himself. He dismissed women as flowers good for plucking and liked ranking which noble young ladies were most suitable as flowers.

On top of that, it was unfortunate for the young ladies who admired him, but he often had delusions about marrying Princess Alencia, the empire’s only princess.

What nonsense was he trying to spout this time? I wished he’d shut his mouth and focus on sparring. While blocking an attack stabbing inward, I answered with an annoyed voice.

“What.”

“Do you happen to like Clea?”

At the unexpected question, I nearly dropped the wooden sword I was holding. I responded, pretending to be as nonchalant as possible.

“What? Wh-what kind of nonsense is that all of a sudden?”

“No, seriously. You get annoyed and shoo away other girls who follow you around, but you leave Clea alone. I thought maybe you had some other scheme.”

My face felt hot, like it was on fire. I couldn’t concentrate enough to remember I was currently sparring.

Nothing in the world had been difficult. But honestly expressing my inner feelings was quite a difficult thing. Especially if that emotion was about love, which made my insides churn and my mouth go bone-dry just thinking about it.

“No, I don’t?”

“Liar. Then why is your attitude toward her different from other girls?”

I had nothing to say to the sharp question. Until now, even when there were people subtly probing, they’d stop asking when I said no.

“Seeing how you can’t answer, I guess it’s true? When did you start liking her when you used to say she was annoying?”

Kailen was particularly persistent today. He stretched his already narrow, slitted eyes and smirked with an annoying expression.

‘Should I tell the truth?’

But these were inner feelings I’d never honestly told even Clea. There was no reason it would be different just because the person was Kailen. 

My head went completely blank. My heart pounded and my mouth went dry, and impatience rose that I had to somehow get past this situation.

“She’s, she’s kind of pitiful…!”

The excuse I barely squeezed out. It was pathetically inadequate to the point I wanted to slap my own mouth ten times.

“Pitiful? What’s pitiful about her?”

“I mean…, she gets teased by other kids. Can’t fit in properly. Every time I look away she’s injured, and her body is as weak as a freshly born chick…!”

“…Also?”

This d*mn Kailen was particularly suspicious today. Should I have just told him to shut up and focus on sparring from the start? But I couldn’t take back words already spat out of my mouth.

“Also…! Her parents asked me to hang out with her since she grew up lonely without friends. If it weren’t for that, would I have bothered with her until now!”

“So you dislike it?”

“Yeah! I’m not crazy. Why would I like such an annoying, high-maintenance kid?”

“Really? Then what if I told you a way to get rid of her?”

Kailen grinned. His voice sounded somehow excited, like he’d found an interesting plaything.

“Of course I’d use it right away.”

By that point, I’d reached the stage where I couldn’t recognize what nonsense I was spouting. Since it came to this, I’d just humor him roughly and send him home. I was responding with that thought when Kailen brought up something strange.

“Then turn around.”

At his words, I obediently turned around, and Clea stood there in front. Tears welled and rippled in her lovely pink eyes. She seemed to be barely holding back wanting to cry right now. Even that—when our eyes met, the tears couldn’t hold on any longer and dropped.

“Ah…”

How long had she been listening? What had I just blabbered? If I explained that it was all nonsense I didn’t mean, would she believe me? It would probably sound like excuses. My head tangled into a jumbled mess and I couldn’t say anything.

“Now say it clearly. If you know your place, get lost on your own. It’s been shitty dealing with you all this time.”

Kailen, still not grasping the situation, spat out nonsense. Clea, who’d been holding her breath and quietly shedding tears, looked at me with eyes full of resentment.

I’d seen her cry before, but this face was a first. Not someone else, but I had hurt you. Idiot. You f*cking moron. When I wanted to protect you so no one could touch you.

“All this time… I’m sorry for being a nuisance. I didn’t know you pitied me. And I’ll get lost on my own like you want.”

“Clea. That’s not it…!”

The sparkle gradually faded from her eyes that held brilliant light. A small wounded beast glared at me. You must be hurting more than anyone. Ridiculously, I felt fear at that sight of you.

Afraid I might never clear up this misunderstanding. Afraid I might lose her. So even while watching her retreating figure, my feet wouldn’t easily move.

“You’re grateful for my help, right?”

Kailen, who’d been watching this situation with interest, acted smug. This b*stard had known from the start it would turn out like this. Hoping I’d hurt Clea. Realizing that fact, uncontrollable anger surged.

“Get lost.”

“What?”

“Get lost from my sight if you don’t want to die. I want to grind up that disgusting face I hate looking at and throw it as beast food.”

It wasn’t just words—I was serious. If I looked at this b*stard’s face just a little longer, I really felt like I’d go crazy. Kailen looked like he wanted to argue, but seeing me full of murderous intent, he left without saying anything.

I also belatedly ran in the direction Clea had disappeared, but she’d already left. Leaving behind the pretty wooden sword she’d been clutching in her arms even while crying.

“Clea…”

Afterward I went to find Clea, but the Countess Blanchet said she was so sick she couldn’t regain consciousness and couldn’t meet anyone.

I felt like my insides were burning up. I suffered from the self-loathing of being unable to do anything. I listed meaningless hypotheticals several times, saying if only I could turn back time, I wouldn’t make such foolish excuses.

“This pathetic b*stard…”

Later, when I heard news that Clea had recovered, I visited the estate again. But she wouldn’t meet me. It was the same several times over.

In regret, just before leaving for the academy, I left her a letter, but as expected, no reply came back.

When time passed and I met Clea again, we had changed from before.

The smile that shone down brightly like sunlight, the ticklish pet name she’d called me with affection—everything disappeared like a mirage. Only a dry, emotionless gaze containing no warmth or feeling was directed at me.

‘This can’t be. This isn’t right.’

That fact drove me crazy. Because it seemed I’d become nothing to her. Because the memories of our shared past seemed to lose meaning and disappear.

If it had to be like this, I wished she’d at least resent me. Because in that moment of anger, that gaze full of hatred would briefly turn toward me.

“Don’t talk to me. I have nothing to say to you.”

“What should I do? I’m naturally rotten, so when someone says they don’t want to, it makes me want to do it more.”

The more I did so, the more I saw Clea’s face despising me, but even that didn’t matter. If she couldn’t love me, I wanted to at least possess her resentment.