“Oh, that was close. We almost bumped into each other. This is probably… the first time I’ve seen your face this close, isn’t it?”

“…”

“Haena? So this is what your face looks like up close. You’re incredibly pretty.”

They’re all the same.

Memories that had seeped into my mind like smoke and burst forth as auditory hallucinations clung to me, sticky and suffocating.

“Our Haena is pretty again today.”

There was too much I could read in the eyes looking down at me.

It was horrifying.

“Ah, don’t misunderstand. I’m not the kind of guy who only cares about looks.”

“So?”

“Pardon?”

“So what do you want to do with me?”

“I… hearing your voice right now has completely thrown me off. What did you just say?”

“I asked what you want with me that you followed me all the way here.”

“That’s a good question. I’ve been watching you for a year. You caught my eye from the very beginning. Haena, you don’t have a boyfriend, right? Go out with me.”

“…”

“I’m even thinking about marriage.”

“No.”

“Pardon?”

“I said no. That’s my answer.”

“Why don’t you at least think about it instead of rejecting me outright?”

I hated the expression on his face as he spoke with feigned composure and confidence.

That arrogance—the certainty that things would go his way.

“I don’t want to. What is there to think about? Goodbye.”

I turned away without hesitation.

But in that fleeting instant, he grabbed my arm.

A chilling wave of goosebumps swept over the arm he held, my body recoiling on instinct.

“Let go of me!”

Instead, his grip tightened.

“You’re saying no without even the slightest intention of getting to know me?”

“I said let go! You’re disgusting!”

He exhaled as though dumbfounded, then released my arm.

The skin where he had touched me tingled beneath the lingering goosebumps.

“I honestly don’t understand why you’re so angry.”

“You don’t understand?”

“No, I don’t. Why are you bristling at me and getting this angry as though I’ve done something horrible to you?”

“And if I don’t get angry? What then? Am I supposed to smile sweetly and throw myself into your arms?”

At my cutting retort, his brows drew together.

He stared at me as though he genuinely could not understand.

“Haena, I think you’re misunderstanding something. I’m not some empty-headed idiot who goes around chasing after women. And I’ve never approached you with any impure intentions.”

“What misunderstanding? You’re all the same.”

“What?”

“Why don’t you just be honest? Say you want to sleep with me.”

“Park Haena!”

His voice cracked coldly with shock.

But I didn’t stop.

The venom that had been circling at the tip of my tongue poured out all at once.

“But I don’t know if I’d even be your type. I’ve given birth before.”

For a moment, his eyes wavered.

Even so, he was still looking down at me with that same good-natured expression.

My irritation toward him flared into anger.

Maybe my furious mind had finally snapped.

Maybe I had simply gone mad.

Either way, the words I had kept locked away burst free.

“December 2nd, five years ago. That was yesterday.”

I had definitely lost my mind.

“That was the day I gave birth.”

“…”

“I lost the baby… right after giving birth. Even though I had waited so long for my baby.”

My baby.

A cold gust brushed bleakly across my face.

Only then did my frenzied mind seem to regain its senses.

I looked indifferently into his startled eyes.

“Do you still like me?”

“…”

“If you’re still fine with someone like me, then tell me. Judging by your expression, I don’t think you can answer today. You can tell me next time.”

“…”

“Don’t worry. I won’t spread rumors about what you did, Team Leader. You don’t seem to have anything else to say, so why don’t you head back?”

I roughly grabbed the handle of the grocery bag I had set down.

The streetlights were so dim.

‘What am I doing here?’

‘Take me home, where the lights are bright…’

In the silence where no one could hear me, I was screaming.

* * *

“Director!”

“Haena, you’re still young. You’re pretty too. You’re a girl in the prime of your life—what are you going to do after having a baby?”

“D-Director…?”

“You know how I am. I can’t settle down with one woman. You know that, don’t you? Before I met you, it’s not like there were only one or two women in my life.”

“You… you said you loved me.”

“Ah, of course I loved you. While we were together, I loved you passionately. Isn’t that enough? When a man and a woman date, feelings change and people break up all the time. We’re not children. Let’s not be so old-fashioned about this.”

“But… I really loved you, Director…”

“I just told you. I loved you too. But I don’t anymore. How many times do I have to say that? And don’t force those feelings of yours on me.”

“But our baby… We have our baby!”

“Our baby? Sure, I know I was your first man, but how am I supposed to know what you did outside after that? I was seeing countless other women while I was with you too, so how am I supposed to believe you? Of course I can’t. So how am I supposed to believe the baby in your belly is mine? Isn’t that right, Park Haena?”

“No! It is your baby, Director. It’s our… baby. I only loved you. I swear!”

“Hey! Stop calling it our baby. It gives me the creeps.”

“Director!”

“Here. Take this.”

Something flew toward me and dropped to the floor.

“There’s nothing more to say. Take that and go to the hospital. And don’t go around making a scene.”

“…!”

“N-No. I won’t go!”

“Go while I’m still asking nicely!”

“No… I want to have the baby.”

“What the hell are you doing, clinging to me like this? Are you crazy?”

“Director, it really is o-our baby. I… I swear!”

“Park Haena, listen carefully. I’ve dealt with girls like you more times than I can count. You’re just one of them. I thought you were kind of pretty at first, so I indulged you a little, and now you’re acting like my wife? And what exactly do you even have going for you? Your mother died, and that man you call your father remarried, tossed you a little money, and left Korea, didn’t he? Then you’re practically an orphan. Who do you think you are?”

“Please don’t do this…”

“Hey, know your place. Even the people who work in my family’s house are top professionals. Do you seriously think you’re a match for me? Who do you think you are, trying to get something for nothing?”

“You said you loved me.”

“I’m sick of looking at you, so take this money and go. Quit the restaurant immediately too. Got it?”

“Hey, if you don’t listen to me, you’re going to regret it.”

“The baby…”

“What?”

“The baby… isn’t yours.”

‘It’s our baby. Yours and mine.’

“What?”

“I said the baby isn’t yours…”

“Ha! Look at you. I almost fell for it.”

‘Fine. I’ll give you what you want.’

‘I’ll leave this place. I’ll go to the baby’s father.’

‘I’ll leave. Forever. Somewhere without you. Somewhere you can never reach…’

“Good. Then please leave, Park Haena. Don’t even think about showing your face in front of me again. Understood?”

‘I won’t come back. I’ll never appear before you again.’

Through eyes blurred beyond recognition, I could not even make out his back as he kicked the door open and left.

He was my first love.

And my last.

……..

“Ma’am, you could be in danger!”

“It’s okay! I-I’m… I’m okay. Just let me have the baby. Please, doctor!”

“Ma’am!”

“I’ll give birth. I’ll make sure the baby is born healthy!”

“That isn’t something you can control through sheer will. The baby could be in danger too.”

“…!”

‘My baby…’

“Preeclampsia is this dangerous. The baby is still inside you, but now that it is already your child—someone more precious than your own life—it appears this suddenly. It is one of the most dangerous conditions for both mother and baby.”

“I warned you repeatedly from the beginning. Your body is already weak, you have high blood pressure, and you kept working, didn’t you? I told you to rest and avoid stress.”

“I-I’ll listen to you from now on. I won’t work. I’ll stay home and rest. I won’t move at all. I’ll just rest.”

“All right. Your condition can change drastically from day to day, so for now, let’s admit you and monitor you closely. From this point on, do not let yourself get stressed. Try to keep your mind at ease. Understood?”

“Yes, yes! Thank you, doctor. Thank you.”

But…

No matter how desperately I wanted to hold on for just a few more weeks, my body deteriorated rapidly.

I was rushed into emergency surgery, but…

The baby…

My baby…

And just like that, my baby…

was buried in my heart.

Every one of my tears, every cell in my body.

That was how deeply my baby was buried within me, throughout my entire body and heart.

God…

So cruelly…

allowed me nothing.

Not parents…

Not love…

Not even my baby…

The parents who gave me this body had long since left my side.

The person who said he loved this body of mine had long since torn away at my very mind before leaving.

And the flesh and blood that came from within me…

My baby…

He could have at least left me my baby…

Please, He could have allowed me just that one thing…

But in the end, God left me with nothing.

I was alone.

* * *

The snow that had fallen all night carried in a bitter wind, seeping through every crack.

It was a word I had spoken aloud for the first time in five years.

My baby…

I didn’t want to share it with anyone.

I didn’t want to divide it with anyone.

It was a word meant only for me—one that belonged to me alone.

I had tried not to live.

I hadn’t wanted to live.

There wasn’t even a speck of lingering attachment to this world left in me.

What was the point of living in a world where I had nothing?

Even if something existed, what could I possibly gain from it?

And even if I gained something, what would I do with it?

Whatever I had would never truly be mine.

At most, it would be nothing more than a passing breeze brushing against my skin.

I lived only because I could not die.

I would close eyes that had fallen into a deep sleep, then open them again. I would sink into an even deeper sleep, and when I opened my eyes afterward, without fail, I was still alive.

‘If I close my eyes one last time and wake up alive again…

If I’m still alive then…

I’ll live.

I’ll live and try, just once more, to live again.’

It was light.

Through a window that seemed to have no gaps at all, a single ray of light from the blazing sun poured across my eyes.

The brightness forced me to open them.

Light flooded my irises.

For one year, I lived only because I could not die.

After enduring that year, in the second year, I began to breathe and eat again.

By the third year, I started stepping back out into the world.

And now, five years later, I am still living like this.

I turn on the lights.

I watch TV and laugh.

I chat with people.

It is a small life I managed to reclaim, but it holds no meaning.

I like things this way.

I will not accept anything.

I will not desire anything.

Whatever it may be, I will not try to possess it.

Everything I ever wanted is already gone.

In a stingy world that refuses to grant me even a single thing,

what could I possibly wish for?