To Me, Who Vowed Never to Love Again

On a freezing night like this, every word spilling from the man’s mouth sounded utterly ridiculous.

But with the way he was looking down at me, full of expectation, I couldn’t keep my mouth shut forever.

“Is it my turn to answer now? You already know my name. I’m twenty-nine. As for my home… I live here because the rent is cheap.”

“The air around here seems decent enough for living.”

“I have no family. I’m completely alone in the world.”

“You grew up beautifully on your own without your parents. That’s admirable.”

“I’m also poor. I don’t have a single penny saved.”

The man kept picking up where I left off.

“I’m not exactly wealthy either. As you know, my parents run a large business, but it’s not as if they ever said they’d hand it over to me, so I’m not rich.

If they give it to me, I’ll take it. If they don’t, there’s nothing I can do. Right now, I’m just a salaried employee. Ah! My annual salary isn’t bad. I’ve saved up a decent amount too.”

It was laughable, the way he dismissed such privileged circumstances as though they were hardships of his own.

My temples began to throb.

“You must have it nice, Team Leader. Nothing to be afraid of. People seem insignificant to you, and the world comes easily.”

“The world comes easily? Not at all. I studied myself half to death for the college entrance exam, ran myself ragged on the military training grounds, and studied like I was taking the exam all over again to get into the Marketing Department where I work now.

Whenever a new project starts, I spend days working overtime, drinking coffee nonstop and swearing under my breath.”

His voice gradually grew more heated.

“But more than anything… the hardest part is that there’s a woman I’m helplessly falling for, and she won’t spare me even a chick’s tear-sized amount of attention.

It’s very hard. Extremely.”

“I don’t understand why you’re doing this. To me.”

“Wouldn’t we find out if we spent time together? I’m curious about something too. Haena, why do you dislike me so much?”

I hated him.

The reason was simple.

He was my superior at the same workplace.

A man who claimed it was nothing special, yet had more than enough wealth and an enviable background.

I just hated all of it.

“Do I need a reason to dislike someone?”

At my firm question, he let out a disbelieving laugh.

“It’s a little absurd to hear that you hate me for no reason.”

“Why is it absurd?”

“Haena?”

“I asked why it’s absurd.”

“You have a habit of picking apart people’s words… That was my mistake.”

“What mistake? You’re such an impressive man that if you say you like me, I should be thrilled and bow deeply in gratitude, but my reaction wasn’t what you expected, so of course you find it absurd, right? Ah! Maybe you even accounted for this reaction too.”

“Haena!”

“You’ve already delivered all those touching lines, so should I start crying now because I’m so moved?”

“Park Haena!”

“Or should I spend every moment terrified of falling out of your favor and worship you accordingly? Should I cater to your every whim because I’m afraid you might throw me away? Is that what I’m supposed to do?”

“What on earth…”

“You should be careful. What if I misunderstand and start thinking I actually mean something to you, then cling to you? Of course, I suppose you could just shove a few bills into my hand and get rid of me.”

“W-What the hell!”

His shout left my ears ringing.

Horrifying.

A past that had hurt enough to kill me.

A past someone else had left filthy and ruined.

And me, still unable to escape even a fraction of it.

Had I mistaken the man in front of me for someone else?

Had my mouth, which had burst open a few days ago, gone mad again?

I was sick of hearing myself ramble without end.

“What kind of bastard did you meet… to be hurting this badly?”

His face twisted harshly, as cold as the winter air.

“What kind of bastard did you meet that you’re hurting like you’re dying?”

“So!… Mind your own business. It’s horrifying!”

“Even if it is, I’m going to care!”

“I said stop!”

“I can promise you this. Don’t compare me to a bastard who would do something like that to his own woman. I’m different.”

“I don’t care.”

He let out a long breath.

A deep sigh as he struggled to contain his surging emotions.

“I’m tired of this. Let’s stop.”

“Stop what? I haven’t even gotten to start.”

“There’s nothing for you and me to start, so just tell me what you want.”

“What do you think I want?”

“Aren’t all men the same?”

“Do you really think I’m seeing you with such shallow intentions?”

“Then are you going to say you’re not? What does it matter? Stop wasting time and let’s go.”

“Are you serious?”

“Do I sound like I’m lying?”

A mocking smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.

“Fine. Let’s do that. Get in the car.”

He strode forward and courteously opened the car door for me.

“Get in.”

My heels struck unsteadily against the pavement as I walked toward the open door.

The moment I reached it, my vision blurred as though it had lost focus.

A sharp ringing throbbed at my temples.

The door shut behind me, and he walked around the car without seeming to notice anything.

The body that had been shivering with chills now began to ache uncontrollably, every muscle tightening with pain.

‘Ah…’

‘My body…’

Through my hazy vision, I saw him climb into the driver’s seat.

The car door shut, and the engine roared to life.

My darkened vision slowly lost focus.

Before I knew it, my eyes had fallen shut, unable to take in even a single light from the dazzling night streets.

“Haena…?”

“Haena!”

His voice calling my name reached me faintly through the darkness, but it could not pull me out.

Something moved against my palm.

A strange, soft sensation brushed over my fingertips.

The warmth shifting against the back of my hand tickled gently, and my heavy consciousness slowly began to rise toward the surface.

‘Who…?’

I struggled to open my eyes.

The first things I saw were a white ceiling and the sharp smell of disinfectant filling my nose.

Sua was beside me, dozing off with my hand clasped tightly in hers.

I gently stroked the top of her head.

At the movement, Sua jerked her head up.

“Unnie!”

“…”

“Unnie, are you okay? Do you know who I am?”

“…Yeah. You’re Sua, the chatterbox.”

My hoarse voice cracked strangely in my ears.

“Unnie… are you really okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

Sua looked down at me, her eyes brimming with worry.

“What the heck, seriously! Why would you scare someone like that?!”

My chest ached at the thought that her bare, unmade-up face had spent so many hours worrying over me.

“…I’m sorry. I made you go through all this for nothing.”

“Yeah! Do you have any idea how… how scared I was?!”

“…I know. I’m sorry.”

“Forget it… Are you really okay now?”

“Yeah. But why am I here?”

Why was I in a hospital?

One by one, fragments of memory began resurfacing from somewhere far away.

I had definitely gotten into the car with that man.

“Are you looking for Team Leader Kim? He went home. Want me to call him?”

At the mention of the team leader, I frowned and looked up at Sua.

“Don’t glare at me. You’re scary.”

“What happened?”

“If you were going to leave with Team Leader Kim, you should’ve gone with him properly. Why did you have to faint like an idiot?”

Fainted.

My body had already felt strange before I got into the car.

I had been shivering with chills, and the headache had pressed down on my skull so hard that I felt nauseous.

Apparently, the limit I had forced myself to endure while arguing with him had only lasted that long.

Maybe it was foolish of me.

But I couldn’t help it.

I never wanted to be pitifully toyed with again.

“Sua… did you cry?”

The skin around her eyes was red.

“N-No. Why would I cry?”

“You heard it, didn’t you? Everything…”

“…”

My guess had been right.

Sua’s silence was confirmation enough.

“Sua, I’m okay.”

“What do you mean, you’re okay?! I thought you were smart, but you’re a complete idiot! There’s nothing worth bragging about, sure, but what was there to hide either? Why did you carry all that pain by yourself? You should’ve ripped it out and thrown it into the world!”

“I did throw it away…”

The tears Sua had been holding back finally fell.

“Unnie…”

I gently stroked her hair.

The splitting headache was gone, and the chills that had wrapped around my entire body had already faded.

“Fainting like that… pathetic.”

“Team Leader Kim contacted me. He said he had you admitted. He said you looked really unwell while the two of you were talking. You looked like you were about to collapse, but you kept stubbornly holding onto your pride, and it made him angry. So he put you in the car to take you to the hospital, and you passed out almost immediately.”

“He should’ve just taken me home.”

“As if Team Leader Kim would do that. The doctor said you have a severe cold and that you’re completely exhausted. They want you to stay in the hospital for a few days and rest.”

“No. I’ll stay tonight and get discharged tomorrow.”

“Is it because you’re worried about the money? You might get angry again, but… Team Leader Kim already paid everything in advance.”

“What?”

He must have had so much that even his meddling came in abundance.

“Why would he do that?”

“Because you were out in that cold because of him. He said it was his fault.”

“That man really is… ridiculous. Does he think I’ll be grateful for something like this?”

“Can’t you just be a little grateful?”

Sua, who had been wiping away her tears, suddenly snapped.

“What’s wrong with helping someone and accepting help in return?!”

“I hate becoming the kind of person who feels grateful or sorry over things like this. I hate caring. I hate all of it, Sua.”

“Why? Because of that ex-boyfriend? What boyfriend! Unnie, why are you living like this like an idiot? That bastard is probably eating well and living just fine.”

“He probably is. Very well…”

Sua shouted in frustration.

“Then you should live well too! You should’ve forgotten every memory you had with a bastard like that a long time ago!”

“I did forget. His name, his face, the things he said to me. I forgot all of it and lived on. I cursed myself for loving someone like him and ending up like this. I cried, screamed, and threw it all away. It’s been a long time since I let it go. But Sua…”

“…”

“I can’t throw everything away, Sua.”

“Why? Why can’t you?”

“My baby… I still have my baby.”

Silence settled over the hospital room.

Sua’s eyes trembled violently.

“…Your baby.”

“Yeah. How could I forget…? I can’t.”

“…Can’t you just bury everything and start over?”

“Why… Why would I do that again?”

“Because you’re afraid Team Leader Kim will turn out like that man? Does he really look like someone who would? He’s completely different. I told you to trust him. Just watch him for a while. Okay?”

“Could you start something with someone you don’t even have feelings for?”

“Then did you love that bastard?”

“I did. So much that I couldn’t see or hear anything else. That’s why being abandoned hurt so badly I thought I would die.”

“That’s in the past now. Love again. Then you can overcome it. They say wounds caused by people are healed by people. Let Team Leader Kim heal you.”

“Sua, I’m okay now. I overcame it this way, and I’m living just fine. If I hadn’t overcome it, I wouldn’t even be in this world anymore. So I don’t need to be healed by anyone, and I have no intention of trying. Let’s stop here, okay?”

The tears that had been gathering finally rolled down my cheeks.

Sua’s warm hand gently wiped them away.

The time when I had hurt enough to die faded once again.

This was enough.

* * *

The call connected in the middle of the night.

“Hey, Kim Dohyun! Do you know what time it is? It’s three in the morning!”

“Jaewon. If I find her ex-boyfriend and ruin his life, does that mean I lose?”

“What kind of nonsense are you talking about?”

“Finding a bastard like that would be easy.”

“And what are you going to do once you find him?”

“Should I tell him I’m glad he was such a crazy bastard? Thank him for breaking up with her? Or… should I crush him so badly he can never show his face again?”

“I’m against both. And you said he’s her ex, right? Then it’s over. I don’t know what happened, but he’s not even worth finding.”

“She’s still hurting because of that bastard, and I… feel like I’m going to die.”

“Still, at least now you know why she keeps pushing you away. Then love her without regrets. Make her forget all of it.”

“It’s strange.”

“What is?”

“I feel like she’s going to leave…”

“What?”

“Like she’ll disappear without a trace.”

“Come on, no way.”

“She’s exactly the kind of person who would. That face… it looks like she doesn’t have even one percent of attachment left to this world.”

“Now I understand why you want to find the ex.”

“She’s completely shut herself off.”