“Do you still remember nothing?”

The mage, draped in a black robe pulled up to just below his nose, asked after examining my condition. Over his shoulder, I could see Natalie watching this way intently.

“I still have no memory of the past few years.”

I replied halfheartedly while looking him over carefully.

He was a mage from the neighboring kingdom of Dorgilia, who had made some sort of contract with the Emperor and taken on the task of restoring my memories.

Unfortunately, even though nearly three months had passed since I woke up, I hadn’t recalled a single thing. But he showed no sign of disappointment, just like always.

“There’s nothing to worry about. All your memories will return soon enough.”

At his cheerfully casual words, I asked:

“How can you guarantee that?”

It was pure curiosity.

Given the Emperor’s personality—pursuing perfection to the point of obsession—there was no way he’d leave someone who produced no results alone, yet the mage always acted relaxed, like everything was going well. Could mages perhaps see things ordinary people couldn’t?

He snorted lightly and muttered to himself.

“…someone who opened… succumbing to mere aftereffects…”

“What did you just say?”

I thought he said something about opening something…

Even when I asked, he only glanced at me without answering and stepped back. My brow furrowed automatically, but having experienced the mage’s rude behavior quite a bit by now, I let it pass.

The mage species lived by different standards than ordinary people. Because of their peculiar nature, they’d suffered severe hardships over the ages. And yet they still had that temperament—truly remarkable.

The mage handed a pouch of herbs to a maid and told her to put it in the brazier and burn it. Then he said to me:

“These are herbs that boost vitality and stabilize the mind and body. They’ll be especially helpful at night.”

“…”

I lowered my gaze silently. Even though I’d never mentioned it, he apparently knew about my insomnia.

After finishing his greeting, he turned and started walking toward the door. My head snapped up. If I let him leave like this, I wouldn’t see him again for quite a while!

“Mage!”

At my urgent call, he turned back.

“Speak.”

“…”

When I looked around, the maids quickly withdrew, keeping their distance. Natalie seemed to frown, but I had no leisure to worry about her.

I lowered my voice and whispered to him as he approached me again.

“Do you… have you known me from before?”

“…”

I could see his jaw—the only visible part of his face—tense, like he was gritting his teeth. The mage was silent for a moment before responding slowly.

“That, too, you’ll learn when you recover your memories.”

“…”

I frowned at his evasive answer. Then he whispered again:

“The very fact that you’re asking this suggests you’ve remembered something…”

The moment my eyes widened slightly, he suddenly stepped closer to me. Reflexively looking up at him, I could see his lips curving slightly beneath the robe. In that instant, I realized my thought had been correct.

The mage and I knew each other.

His subtle, gentle voice settled over my stunned mind.

“You’ve kept this from His Majesty the Emperor.”

“…!”

Caught off guard again, I opened my mouth then shut it tight. That’s right. I’d been hiding it from him—whatever it was, memory or delusion.

The mage didn’t wait for my answer and stepped back again. Before he left, his voice, tinged with satisfaction, echoed through the inner chamber.

“Many people wish for Your Majesty the Empress’s recovery. Please take good care of your precious self.”

“He’s not someone you should get close to.”

“…”

After finishing the same tedious schedule as always and before going to bed, Natalie said this while holding out medicine. I glanced at her and took the medicine, downing it in one gulp. I shuddered involuntarily at the bitter taste.

After spitting the mouth-rinsing water into a bowl, I wiped my mouth with a linen cloth and said:

“You mean the mage?”

“That’s right.”

Natalie made a sour expression as she had a maid take away the empty bowl. Hmm. I narrowed my eyes as I lay down on the bed.

This was the first time I’d seen the usually composed Natalie display hostility so openly. Suddenly curious, I asked:

“He’s from the Kingdom of Dorgilia, isn’t he?”

“That was the only place that accepted those born with lowly magic.”

A crack appeared in Natalie’s neat brow. She seemed quite displeased with the kingdom that had accepted the mages. I said calmly:

“My mother was also from there.”

“Your Majesty the Empress!”

Natalie’s face turned pale instantly and she quickly knelt on the floor.

“Forgive my rudeness! This servant made a mistake.”

“Enough. I’m going to sleep, so don’t make a fuss.”

I waved my hand dismissively and closed my eyes. I heard Natalie hesitantly getting up, but I pretended to be asleep and showed no reaction.

After a moment, something crackled and burned in the brazier. Soon a fragrant smell began filling the inner chamber.

“Then… sleep well, Your Majesty.”

Natalie whispered, but I didn’t answer. I wasn’t composed enough to calmly give them a goodnight greeting. I was too curious about what dream I would have tonight.

The mage’s herbs were effective. I fell asleep instantly without even hearing the maids leave.

* * *

The sky at sunset was a spectacle I couldn’t look away from. As I stared blankly at the scene, wind that came over the balcony stirred my black hair. A maid approached and asked worriedly:

“The wind is cold, Your Majesty. Shall I bring you a shawl?”

“I’m fine. I’ll go inside if I get a cold, so stay back until I call for you.”

At my cold reply, the maid shrank back. Left alone on the balcony, I stared at the steaming tea. Tea time outside the schedule. It was only possible because Natalie wasn’t here.

For some reason, she periodically left her post. And today, watching her back as she left the inner chamber, I’d decided on this sudden deviation. It was obvious she’d be displeased when she found out later, but I didn’t care.

I fiddled with the ornate teacup handle, lost in thought.

‘So my nanny died…’

If I’d felt a dazed shock when I learned after waking from my coma that I was married to the Emperor, then learning my nanny had died felt like the sky was collapsing.

Tears welled up and my vision blurred.

‘It feels like I just saw her…’

That’s how it was in my current memory. I’d seen my nanny and gone to sleep, then woke up to find things like this.

I sniffled, holding back tears. Natalie would have been disgusted if she’d seen, but so what?

‘Now I have no one… truly no one around me…’

Without realizing it, I clutched the warm teacup. I desperately needed warmth. Even more so because I knew nothing. That made my current situation weigh even heavier on my heart, but I forced myself to compose my mind and look at reality coldly.

‘The mage isn’t on the Emperor’s side.’

When he realized I was keeping quiet to the Emperor, he’d definitely been pleased.

‘But I can’t say he’s on my side either.’

My nerves were too frayed to trust that cunning man. I tapped the teacup with my finger, lost in thought.

Having lost several years of memory completely, the Imperial Palace was like a strange world I’d suddenly dropped into, a maze where I couldn’t see an inch ahead.

‘It’s not like I can rely on my family either.’

Thinking of my only blood relatives, my jaw automatically tensed. My grandfather the Marquis, my aunt, and my cousin Isabel.

‘They know I’ve woken up, yet they haven’t even contacted me.’

A bitter smile came. It’s not like I had any attachment to them now… But blood ties sometimes made me feel miserable, like getting doused with dirty water. I sighed and focused on my thoughts again.

‘I can’t trust what my close maids say either.’

What I most wanted to know was the exact relationship between the Emperor and me. The fear and contempt I felt toward him was no ordinary matter. It was even more so because we were known as the most affectionate couple in history.

I wanted to know the true nature of those feelings. To do that, I had to filter out their words full of praise as the first priority.

‘In this situation, what on earth should I believe…’

No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn’t see a way forward. Just when I felt suffocated, like I’d hit a dead end, the mage’s voice suddenly came to mind.

‘All your memories will return soon enough.’

“…”

Even though I didn’t trust him, the weight on my chest seemed to lighten a bit. I slowly lifted the teacup to my lips.

‘Memories…’

I often had dreams. Bland dreams where I only heard a man’s stiff voice.

‘They’re people too. Two eyes, one nose, one mouth. It would be surprising if someone didn’t have these, but if they’re the same, there’s no need to be wary. Anyone with eyes can see that you’re far more beautiful.’

‘Their hobby is arbitrarily dismantling people who annoy them and stitching them back together to their liking. Do you need to throw yourself at them as they wish? How about focusing on yourself and… on someone precious to you instead?’

‘Loving each other and cherishing each other as the top priority. That’s what I know marriage to be.’

“Haah…”

I covered my cheeks with both hands and exhaled deeply. The voice in the dream somehow resembled the Emperor’s. But I couldn’t possibly think the owner of that voice was the Emperor.

‘Because I didn’t feel any aversion from that voice.’

Rather, should I say my heart ached… No, it would be more accurate to say I felt something like an unquenchable longing.

‘The Emperor still frightens and repulses me.’

I thought of him as I set down the teacup.

When his pale, shining gaze turned toward me… it felt like yearning and longing clung thickly to my skin. And the more his affection sparkled and shone, the more it felt like being bound tightly in a snare.

I stared at the rippling tea.

‘Do memories exist only in the mind? I thought, like in the pulp novels I read as a child, that love was carved into the heart…’

Suddenly I recalled the first tea time I’d had with him after waking up.

He stubbornly tried to draw my gaze, which only looked at the floor, but when I kept avoiding him, he finally gave up. And I’d secretly stolen glances at his disappointed face and got caught.

He seemed pleased even by that and smiled. Watching his smile, I thought:

‘Strange…’

They said we’d been truly close and affectionate, no less than a pair of mandarin ducks, so why did his smiling face feel so…

‘…unfamiliar?’

And if you’ve always loved me…