“Not at all humble! How practical is this? I won’t let it leave my side for even a moment.”

I’m leaving everything behind anyway. Why is he so happy over a single fountain pen?

The space between my nose and eyes suddenly stings. Do I have a cold coming on? A chill and a flush hit me at the same time.

I shouldn’t be like this. I’ve already overstepped by meddling where I wasn’t asked and dumping the cost of the painting on him. On top of all that, I can’t afford to fall ill too.

I need to go. I have to leave now. The moonlight burns hot, but the wind is cold. I can’t bear this difference in temperature.

If I boil over with hope only to cool back down into disappointment one more time, my soul will shatter completely, without a trace left behind.

“Yes. Please do exactly that. Please use that fountain pen when you sign the divorce papers.”

“…….”

Without meeting his eyes, I gave a quick bow and, in the same motion, slipped off Heliones’s coat and draped it over the chair.

It was truly poor manners, but I didn’t wait for his reply. I turned and fled the garden.

Today is a strange day. Even without looking, I keep knowing what expression Heliones is wearing.

No. He probably just thinks I’m being rude.

No. He probably just thinks I suddenly felt unwell.

There’s no way you’re wearing the expression of someone I’ve hurt.

I ran. Not wanting to think about anything, I sprinted across the imperial palace at full speed. Hanna, who had been waiting, took one look at me and her face fell into something sad and frightened, the way someone might look upon a beloved ghost, then she quickly gave instructions to the coachman.

Ah, I left Elren behind. Should I go back? It’s close enough to walk. He’ll find his own way.

I ignored Hanna’s questions asking what had happened, and the moment we arrived at the lodgings, I went straight up to the bedroom and locked the door.

“I just feel really unwell. Can you give me a moment alone?”

A few pacing footsteps sounded outside. I knew they were the heartbeats of a worried Hanna, but I pretended not to notice.

Gentle, thoughtful Hanna said her goodnights and quietly left the bedroom door.

“Hic, hh…”

The moment Hanna’s presence disappeared, the tears broke free.

Ah, what day is today? Why do I keep crying?

“Ugh, hh…”

The sobs grow so violent they choke off my breath. The light, delicate lace covering my neck and back feels like it is literally crushing me.

Riiip. Riiip.

I know it’s expensive clothing, but I can’t help it. I need to breathe first.

I sat on the floor for a long while, steadying my breath. As time passed, the trembling throughout my body settled.

I lifted my head and caught sight of the full-length mirror in the bedroom. The woman in it wore expensive jewelry and fine clothing, but looked not the least bit precious.

The terrible scars left on her neck and back, exposed beneath the bright moonlight, spoke to her.

Don’t forget who you are. Remember what you are.

You must not be hurt. Don’t let yourself feel joy. You must not feel anything because of me.

Because I am a woman desperate enough to be ugly about it. A woman so desperate that even your obligatory kind words and warm glances send me soaring with excitement, then plunging into fear, all on my own.

“Heh… hehehe…”

A laugh escaped me. Ah, why am I such a wretched person?

Would it have been better if I were the kind of woman who suited you?

No. No. Don’t even think it. Shallow hope like that will tear my heart into a thousand, ten thousand pieces, just like it always has.

‘If you happen to have time, might I see you briefly in the study this evening?’

A shameful sentence I still remember.

That day marked six months since our marriage. A banquet I had felt reluctant to attend, still unaccustomed to playing the role of duchess.

That day, unlike his usual self, Heliones stood close at my side, his eyes sweeping the room in all directions, watchful as a hawk guarding its young.

Thanks to him, I managed to play the role of hostess that evening without having to worry about the sneers and insults flying my way.

He had been a husband with whom I had not shared even a personal conversation in over half a year. At banquets, he would do nothing more than hold his place with that characteristic sullen look on his face.

And yet, even after all that, I was truly foolish.

Perhaps his behavior had been his way of protecting me. Perhaps he had heard about the cruel words directed at me at the last event. I let myself hope that.

I only wanted to say thank you. To say thank you for looking after me so that I could feel at ease, despite my circumstances.

I hadn’t even dared to harbor the desire to become his lover or his true wife.

I only wanted to say that even if I was nothing more than a wife on paper, I hoped we could get along as family.

So I gathered my courage and spoke to Heliones first. It was the study, not the bedroom or the sitting room, so I thought he would at least allow a brief conversation.

‘Do we have anything to talk about?’

That day, Heliones’s cold eyes, which betrayed not a single emotion, left a scar deeper and darker than any mark on my body.

He remained the same after that. We shared mornings together, attended banquets together, and he fulfilled every duty of a husband except sharing a bed.

But that was all. He drew a line called principle, and he never crossed to the other side of it.

Yet when the Kingdom of Rodencia fell, Heliones broke even the basic principles he had always kept and avoided me. I thought it was natural that he would feel uncomfortable. He had been in the process of destroying my homeland, so seeing me must have been difficult.

I waited. For him to return. And perhaps I hoped. That we might share breakfast together as usual, even if it was nothing more than an obligation.

But what returned was the divorce papers. I was the daughter of an enemy and the princess of a fallen kingdom, so it was only fitting. And so I quietly signed the divorce papers without ever seeing my husband’s face.

Yet he appeared two years later and said he had never personally signed the divorce papers. Said he hadn’t even known the divorce had taken place.

If it had been much earlier, I might have held some faint hope in his words, but not now.

Now that I had become a complete stranger to him, I felt no great surprise at his words about wanting to correct the procedural formality.

A principled man’s courtesy toward his former wife. That was all.

No matter how desperate a woman I am for the goodwill of others, I must not carelessly confuse things.

Who would want someone like me.

Want nothing, and you won’t be hurt. Only when you hold no expectations at all does peace finally become whole.

I had come to understand that truth to my bones over twenty-eight years of living as the shame of royalty, the omen of a fallen kingdom, the lineage of a curse, a severed divinity.

Come morning, I need to send a letter to the imperial palace right away. To say that I suddenly felt very unwell and had to leave early. To say I was truly sorry for leaving like that.

I must apologize with all the proper courtesy befitting a mere commoner writing to His Imperial Majesty. If an apology isn’t enough to soothe his anger, I’ll get on my knees.

Fortunately, begging and making a pitiful show of myself is something I’m used to.

* * *

Did a bullet pass straight through his heart?

After Lucian fled, Heliones looked down and checked his own body, but found no wound anywhere.

Then why does it hurt this much?

Why? What is it? Why do you panic and run at words as simple as those?

I finally have you within reach.

I even threatened my mother, who was miming hanging herself to death, that I would expose shameful secrets far worse than death itself for all the world to see.

What was the point of any of it?

When did I sit down in this chair? Ah, did Count Fonta help me into it?

“It hurts.”

“Yes.”

“Is the Lady alright?”

“She won’t be.”

Heliones sat slumped in the chair, his face drained, and stared up at the night sky for a long while.

“She carries many wounds.”

“She does.”

Heliones fell silent for a somewhat long moment. Count Fonta watched his lord’s heart flicker like a candle in a strong wind, and quietly hoped the flame would go out entirely.

It wasn’t simply because of the conditions that made no sense to anyone who looked.

She carried too many wounds, just as Heliones had said. A person whose soul had not merely cracked but had been ground to dust by wounds dealt not by strangers, but by family.

No matter how much affection or trust Heliones gave her, it would take a very long time before Lucian could fully receive his heart.

And during that time, the clumsy man who had staked everything on an unrequited love would keep getting hurt, just as he was now.

Not as a retainer but as a friend, Count Fonta couldn’t decide whether to cheer Heliones on or hope he would give up.

After a while, a voice emerged from Heliones’s lips, steadier than expected, without much of a crack to it.

“Even so, it’s alright. It can take a long time. I can wait until the day it all heals and no longer hurts.”

So that’s it. That’s the conclusion my lord, no, my friend, has reached.

A heart that cannot bring itself to give up, even after being hurt, even knowing it will be hurt again.

Then his own mind was made up as well.

Count Fonta gave no particular reply to Heliones’s resolve. He simply, with great care, retied Heliones’s bow tie, which had somehow ended up askew despite all the straightening he had done before the banquet.