14. Even If We Can’t Touch (4)

“Haah.”

At Saena’s sigh, the servants once again quietly flinched and watched her carefully. She was eating dinner alone in the dining room, lost in memories.

Constantine cried.

The tears that poured from his blue eyes left a deep impression on her, making his sculptured face look sorrowful.

Why. Why did he cry?

Honestly, she had never thought he was someone who could cry. Though he could be gentle at times, he was fundamentally a very cool and masculine person.

‘…Did I torment him too much?’

He’s fundamentally a person with many secrets. Maybe she had pressured him too much.

Maybe they were secrets he wanted to tell but couldn’t. If so…

Though she didn’t know how many secrets Constantine had, Saena had already guessed quite a few facts.

Like Caligo’s existence. And why he pushed her away…

The latter was actually something she had guessed from his muttered monologue last night.

‘I shouldn’t touch you…’

‘No, don’t go… No, you must go. No, this isn’t right…’

Constantine seemed unaware of what had happened when she came to treat him last night. Either he didn’t remember because he was half-asleep, or even if he did remember, he might think it was a dream.

She had taken advantage of his weakened state last night to ask various things. Though it felt like cheating to extract information this way and made her feel quite guilty, she simply couldn’t resist the temptation.

‘Why? You’re cold. Let me hold you like this.’

‘I’m not cold when you’re here…’

‘I’m not cold either.’

‘Really? But everyone else said they were cold…’

‘I’m fine.’

‘The nanny was fine at first too…’

When he mentioned the nanny, she could roughly guess what the situation was. Constantine undoubtedly thought the nanny had fallen ill because of him.

‘Then what about me?’

It didn’t seem like he had intentionally deceived her—he probably thought she would be fine until something happened to change his mind.

His attitude had changed around… after the Yolly disappearance incident, so probably around then.

‘Let’s assume what he’s saying is true.’

In the worst case scenario, she would become ill like the nanny.

But the ironic thing was that even if the nanny were to pass away right now, she would have lived longer than Saena from her previous life. Given her position as nanny, she must have been with Constantine since his childhood days, so she had already lived quite a long time.

But what about Saena?

‘If I were to catch that nameless disease I died from again…’

She thought perhaps she had caught that disease back then because she had suffered so much and was under such extreme stress.

‘Maybe I won’t catch it in this life.’

But assumptions were just assumptions. Even Saena couldn’t be certain.

‘If that assumption is wrong…’

Saena had less than 10 years left to live.

In this situation, was there any meaning in pretending not to know Constantine for the sake of living longer?

Besides, Saena had never felt him to be that cold.

‘He’s a bit cool, but doesn’t he warm up when moving? Like in bed…’

Though various embarrassing memories surfaced, she pushed them aside and focused on yesterday’s events.

After she had surrounded him with hot water bottles all over the bed and held him, he had eventually sweated profusely while suffering. It was a bit strange, as if the heat trapped inside his body gradually started escaping and dissipating, but ultimately, it meant his body temperature regulation system was working fine.

So while she really couldn’t understand why Constantine was being so sensitive, if he thought she would gradually become ill like the nanny… he must be acting that way for her sake.

‘Beautiful. Saya, why are you… so lovely?’

Despite all that, whenever he lost his senses, he would pour out such affectionate words as if nothing had happened.

‘Just a little, let me touch you just a little longer…’

‘It’s okay. Touch me more.’

Apart from the tragic end of her dress, nothing much happened between them.

Though he held her tight and pressed his lips against hers, it felt more like seeking out a warm heater. Of course, his hands roamed her body in a somewhat sensual way, but that was all.

Fundamentally, yesterday he was a patient, while she was a human hot water bottle.

Mentioning the love confession was pure spite. When she first used the word ‘confession,’ she was asking if he remembered confessing something, but his reaction was so cold that she changed the meaning to a love confession out of spite.

If he remembered, he would obviously know it was a joke, and if he didn’t remember, she could see his flustered reaction either way.

‘But I never expected him to cry like that.’

Was it because it was a man’s tears? Or because they were Constantine’s tears?

While the tears themselves were shocking, she found his white eyelashes clumped together with moisture beautiful, like frost clinging to winter trees.

The afterimage remained in her eyes.

Saena made a decision with a sigh.

‘Let’s not torment him with this topic anymore.’

At the beginning of their marriage, hadn’t she thought it more natural to use separate bedrooms? She had thought she should avoid sharing a bed by any means.

But before she knew it, she had come to share nights with him and receive endless expressions of affection, making her greedier.

It had become normal.

‘Even without that, isn’t he the ideal husband I’ve secretly wanted?’

So don’t be greedy.

He won’t have affairs since he can’t touch others, he’s wealthy enough that his personal budget matches the entire budget of most noble houses, there are no difficult in-laws, he’s handsome, and his position is high.

A husband who is neither violent nor coercive.

Someone who won’t restrict her from doing what she likes and wants to do.

Where else could she find such an ideal husband?

He’s actually someone too good for her, someone she would have had trouble finding even if she had searched carefully.

‘So I shouldn’t complain about one lacking thing.’

Like other ordinary nobles, they should just live respecting each other appropriately.

Saena picked up her cutlery and started eating again, repeating this to herself like a mantra.

* * *

Things became fine between them again.

Once Saena started seeing things differently, his attitude no longer felt bad.

Though there were no passionate nights, their appropriate distance and kind attitudes made them look like a proper noble couple who respected and considered each other.

She devoted herself to her duties as a duchess and doing translation during the day, and at night she read books she wanted to read before falling asleep holding Yolly.

Several weeks passed like this.

Yolly had completely recovered. He no longer slept excessively. And his body had grown. Now he was the size of a medium-sized adult dog rather than a puppy.

Well, she had heard he wasn’t a dog but a wolf.

“What do you eat to live?”

“Kyang?”

“You don’t grow at all and then suddenly get bigger? What are you?”

“Kyu, kyuu…?”

Suddenly playing dumb again.

Despite clearly understanding human speech, he would pretend not to understand whenever unfavorable topics came up.

What a funny creature…

“I’m planning to go to the study, what about you, Yolly?”

“Kyang?”

“Don’t just disappear without saying anything. If you’re going somewhere, make sure to tell me. Understood?”

“Kyaang?”

Asking a creature who could only say kyang, kyung, kyaang to tell her before leaving seemed nonsensical even as she said it, but she truly believed Yolly would find some way to express himself.

As soon as she finished speaking, he went out to the terrace and came back in, nodding his head toward the outside.

“What? You want to go out?”

“Kyang!”

“Where are you going?”

“Kyang!”

He barked while looking toward the window.

“Outside?”

“Kyang!”

“A walk?”

“Kyang!”

“You’ll stay just around here, right?”

“…Kyang!”

That response seemed a bit delayed compared to earlier…

“Kyu, kyuu…”

Seeing her eyes narrow suspiciously, he played dumb again.

“…What is it. Are you trying to go to the nanny’s place again?”

“Kyuang!”

He shook his head saying that wasn’t it.

“Alright. But you have to come back before it gets too late.”

“Kyang!”

“Before sunset. Got it?”

“Kyang!”

When Yolly bounded over to her, she held out her hand, and he rubbed his crown against her palm a few times before running to the door. He disappeared with the patter of feet as if he already had somewhere to go.

‘…What, now even Yolly has secrets?’

Everyone around her seemed full of secrets.

Well, she wasn’t in any position to criticize others when she herself wasn’t honest.

Swallowing her bitter self-deprecation, Saena headed to the study.

It was fortunate that she had something to do.

Recently, Saena had been devoting herself to Arlesian translation with incredible focus.

Having turned back time, she struggled at first. From Saena’s perspective, it felt like starting again after taking almost 10 years off from studying.

But after some time, she quickly recovered her level from her past life, and after a while longer, she even surpassed that level.

It was thanks to the newly acquired ancient texts.

Her overall level of Arlesian decoding improved significantly when the new grammatical system written in the ancient texts and black diamond were linked together.

‘Come to think of it, this book… I didn’t even receive the letter about it in my past life.’

Did the bookstore owner not send the letter then?

Hmm… Maybe she missed it because by that time frame, she had already married into the Hollander family.

‘Even if I had received the letter then… I wouldn’t have had money to buy it anyway.’

If she had received the letter, it would have only left her feeling bitter.

But now this book was in her possession, and thanks to it, she was making more progress than when she had desperately devoted her life to Arlesian—life was truly ironic.

‘I should have copied down all the characters on Constantine’s back.’

Many of the sentences in the jewel’s Arlesian system had been completely incomprehensible, but she had found many clues in the ancient texts.