For a while, only the sound of pouring tea floated around the room. I pushed a steaming cup of tea toward Father and began.

“No, what just happened…… just forget it. I think I got a bit emotional. More than that, I’d like Father to help with something else.”

“Something else.”

“I’m thinking of seeking help from Sachsen. I’ll write the letter myself.”

“Sachsen?”

“I hear the newly enthroned king is quite belligerent. I don’t think he’ll ignore the letter.”

Sachsen is a powerful kingdom rivaling Gorgon. The western alliance led by them wields such great influence that even the Holy Kingdom and Gorgon take notice.

Was it a few years ago? A famous sculptor who murdered a high-ranking Sachsen noble and fled took refuge in Gorgon. He became the Gorgon king’s closest aide with his outstanding ability and cunning tongue, and Sachsen requested his return through the Pope. However, the Pope hesitated at Gorgon’s opposition. Because it was Gorgon’s funds that put him in that position.

But Sachsen didn’t back down either. They finally moved two cardinals to incite the Pope. They didn’t even hesitate at military demonstrations. Thus, just before war broke out, the sculptor was eventually extradited to his homeland and torn limb from limb. The Gorgon king’s pride was torn along with him.

At that time, the duchy’s nobles mostly took Gorgon’s side. So did I. Because the duchy’s nobles were already too close to the Holy Kingdom and Gorgon, I antagonized them along with everyone else.

But now it’s different. As you know, the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

However, I was curious about Father’s opinion. Father was also ultimately a duchy noble. It couldn’t be helped if he had antipathy toward the west. Perhaps quite lengthy persuasion might be necessary.

“Indeed, your mother was right.”

“Pardon?”

Fortunately, Father seemed to simply find me admirable. Father’s gaze, which had been looking at me warmly like praising for a moment, slowly became hazy like retracing the past.

“Before she died, Celestine said this. That a time would surely come when you’d grow up suddenly and become unfamiliar. That you’d experience very many things in places we couldn’t see, but that fate cannot be defied by anyone.”

Fate. At that word, my breath seemed to stop for a moment. Father’s face, staring intently at me unable to hide my startled expression, was touched by a very faint smile.

“Perhaps that’s why she was so displeased with your marriage. Though it wasn’t something to say in front of a young daughter.”

“……Mother was?”

It was something I was hearing for the first time in my life. I was dazed like I’d been hit on the head. Could Mother have known things would turn out this way? And did she even know I would make such a resolution and give Father a hint?

You would remember too, Odil.

Mother was originally a very cheerful woman. She enjoyed challenging anything while sometimes being as innocent as a girl who knew nothing. Like someone with no connection whatsoever to this old madness flowing through our bloodline.

However, even such a mother ultimately couldn’t escape this noose. So she sensed the future and left Father those words. Ah, Mother.

I still remember. The spring when I was six. Mother’s appearance as she passed away lying peacefully like she was sleeping. However, I wasn’t very sad. What was meant to come has come. Only such thoughts arose. Perhaps I vaguely recognized that was the courtesy toward Mother who had worked hard to endure life all along.

How should I explain this feeling?

However, there was no resentment. Just as I couldn’t tell Father everything, it must have been the same for Mother. Come to think of it, Mother’s health rapidly deteriorated right after giving birth to me. Just as I was consumed by madness after bearing Arthur, Mother’s curse might have been the usurpation of life.

The realization that I wasn’t the only one so lonely in this world brought a strange sense of kinship. However, like a coin has heads and tails, every emotion has a shadow. And at this very moment. My shadow was fear.

Both Father and Mother seemed like people I didn’t know. No, the people were clearly the same, but I felt like only I was left behind. I was anxious. In truth, I had been confident about being ahead of others until now. But what if everything I knew was only half-truths? And so I make another wrong choice. What should I do then? Will I turn back time again? Until when exactly?

“Therefore, if you give me the letter, I’ll handle it myself.”

In the meantime, Father, who had wrapped up his reminiscence, was already no different from usual. I don’t even know with what state of mind I finished the conversation. Even though it was well past bedtime after Father left, my eyelids wouldn’t fall at all. My thoughts weren’t clear, like I had entered a state of wakefulness.

It would be better to do something. That conclusion eventually came. I immediately sat at the desk and took out letter paper. When I came to my senses after repeatedly writing and crumpling, it was already near dawn.

I put the barely completed letter in an envelope and cut my left index finger with a paper knife. Only after pressing my name firmly onto the envelope using the dripping blood as ink did the tension finally release.

The desk was completely messy from doing that. A puddle of blood turning sticky, a spilled inkwell, two quill pens rolling around. I had crumpled more than four or five sheets of ruined paper. I crumpled the papers and the handkerchief I used to wipe blood and threw them into the bin at my feet.

“Ouch.”

The wounded finger scraped against the rough cloth. However, it didn’t hurt. Looking closely, my index finger had already half-healed, making the remaining bloodstains look more painful. Wondering if I saw wrong, I tried drawing a bit more blood, but the result was the same. It seemed like only my body was trapped in a completely different time zone from this world.

No, that’s not right. That’s what actually happened. Then I suddenly became curious. What would happen if I cut deeper?

Scrape.

The tip of the knife that moved impulsively, its flashing blade deeply cut across my forearm. I didn’t even know it hurt from curiosity. Blood seeping out between the split skin dripped and spread on the carpet below. I silently stared at the dark red traces at my feet and fell asleep at some point.

I came to my senses some time later. I must have slept very briefly because even the tea water hadn’t completely cooled. I dampened my sleeve in the lukewarm water and wiped away the bloodstains. Where the stains disappeared, my perfectly fine arm was revealed as if it were natural. Only the dried bloodstains proved there had been a wound.

Then somehow I felt relieved. It seemed like my pent-up feelings melted away with the blood. Ah, goodness! How convenient is this?

“Haha, ha!”

I was delighted. A brief pain was rather a thrilling stimulus to me. The desire to destroy and smash. To crush to my heart’s content surged up inside me suddenly like flames meeting their time. The tightly packed malice and negativity seemed to consume me and burrow into my stomach. I was completely absorbed in it.

Once, twice, three times, four times. However, no matter how many times I cut, it wasn’t satisfying. I continued. I cut and cut again. Ah, a bit more, a bit more! Just a little more—

“What are you doing!”

That’s when it happened.

Bang! The sound of the door slamming. And with an urgent shout, large hands restrained me. At the familiar body scent pouring in like a tide, all the strength in my body drained away.

I could tell without looking. It was you who rushed into the room.

“You didn’t answer when I called, so I thought you were sleeping, but what on earth is this……”

You snatched my right hand holding the knife and pulled it upward. Your remaining hand wrapped around my waist, supporting me as I swayed. Your embrace was less than a span away.

Your chest rose and fell repeatedly following your panting breath. Body temperature hot like boiling water. The beating of your heart pulsing at a steady rhythm and your body scent as thick and captivating as a blooming rose. At that familiar yet unfamiliar sensation, my fingertips seemed to tremble numbly.

“Were you thinking of taking your own life with just this?”

Your eyes asking that fixed on the knife with blood not yet dried. Even with the menacing atmosphere, I wasn’t afraid. I was just amazed. How long had it been since you paid attention to me like this! I shuddered at the long-missed exhilaration.

“Well.”

Yes. As much as I resented and hated you, I still craved you. Truly terribly so.

I both wanted to end this moment quickly and somehow prolong it more. Ah, if only you would crush me with that solid and heavy body to make me forget this time!

“……I came because I had something to say, but you don’t seem in a state to listen now.”

You, who had been staring intently at me like that, finally very slowly let go and stepped back after a long while. That motion was as slow as a prisoner who must reluctantly complete unwanted labor. My heart watching you like that was as precarious as water about to overflow. The stupid greed still wanting to hold onto you and the stubborn reason stopping it fiercely opposed each other.

“I’ll take this.”

Then suddenly, an arm stretched out and snatched away the knife still in my hand. That small blade covered in bloodstains was merely a common tool. Trivial enough that I could obtain the same thing right away if I wanted. However, even though you couldn’t not know that fact, you deliberately confiscated it.

Like you feared I would repeat the same thing again if you didn’t. Like you were concerned about me.

But why? It was strange. What reason could you possibly have for that?

“I’ll tidy the room, Your Grace.”

However, while I was puzzled, you really left. While Herot, who appeared tactfully, had maids clean the messy room, I sat dazed and let someone arbitrarily wrap bandages around my fingers. Since I had put the completed letter safely in the drawer, I didn’t need to worry about anyone seeing it.

The tidying finished in an instant. The carpet became spotless and so did the desk. It felt exactly like I had dreamed. The only thing proving what just happened was your body scent lingering at the tip of my nose.

As soon as I realized it, saliva pooled under my tongue. I was suddenly ravenously hungry. I wanted to stuff anything into my mouth to fill this empty stomach.

So don’t forget, Odil. The only thing that can fill my soul’s hunger is you alone.