Chapter 93

Usher held Eleanor’s nape with one hand and kissed her. His other hand reached for the buttons of her silk shirt. Eleanor squeezed her eyes shut. If she could calm Usher’s heart, if only she could do that, she thought she could endure it—but her heart trembled against her will.

‘The Usher you’ve been waiting for has miraculously returned and even said he wants to marry you again. Why do you look so sad?’

Suddenly, Jane’s question came to mind.

‘Is it because of Duke Claven?’

What had she answered Jane? Ah, she said she didn’t know. She was simply confused and shook her head, saying she didn’t know. And Jane, seeing Eleanor like that, sighed quietly.

‘Eleanor, I’m not you, so I don’t know your feelings.’

‘…….’

‘But I think I can at least tell you this.’

Then she gave her advice.

‘Don’t love out of guilt.’

‘Pardon?’

Jane admitted that when it came to Usher, she didn’t want to advise or tell her anything. However, as a fellow woman, she wanted Eleanor to have the chance to make the right choice.

‘And.’

‘…….’

‘Don’t love just for the sake of memories. That’s not love; it’s merely recollection.’

That clear gaze and confident smile remained in Eleanor’s memory. It made her doubt what she had believed was love without a shred of doubt.

Had she been loving based on memories?

She questioned herself. Then, countless memories floated to the surface.

Charles, who had never been much of a father, and the hometown filled only with sorrowful memories. Though she had made up her mind to leave, she had been anxious. She resolved to stand alone, yet she was scared. Into that gap stepped a man with a gentle smile. Usher held her when she tried to retreat in fear, comforted her, and whispered kindly that everything was okay.

‘Why are you doing this for me?’

‘Because I love you.’

The unconditional affection she had longed for, yet lost when her mother died. Usher gave her that unconditional love. He told Eleanor she was someone worthy of love just for existing.

She liked that. When she received his boundless affection, her heart felt full. Thus, Eleanor fell hopelessly in love with Usher. Usher Fitzman was someone who loved without knowing how to handle his emotions, following his heart wherever it led.

It was an awkward first love. That’s why she couldn’t forget it.

‘Memories are romanticized. Only the good parts remain.’

‘…….’

‘If you cling only to that, you’ll never encounter new feelings.’

It was when Jane’s voice echoed in her mind. Usher, who had completely taken his place above Eleanor, quietly met her gaze. Beautiful violet eyes.

“Eleanor.”

But the reunited Eleanor and Usher only suffered. They couldn’t even argue, too busy gauging each other’s reactions, ignoring their own sorrow while their hearts simmered. Even as they whispered love, they couldn’t exchange complete feelings.

Perhaps their love had already ended, but they couldn’t accept it, clinging instead to the memories of love.

“Usher!”

It was when Usher’s large hand covered her rounded chest. Eleanor instinctively grabbed his hand urgently. Usher looked down at Eleanor with startled eyes. Their gazes met. Tears welled up uncontrollably at the gentle hue in his surprised eyes.

The beautiful color was just as she remembered it, but what she felt wasn’t the same as before. She still admired its beauty, but it didn’t make her heart flutter uncontrollably.

Three years—that time was spent waiting for Usher, and simultaneously letting him go. She hadn’t always waited with the same feelings. She now realized how foolish she had been.

The person Eleanor truly loved now wasn’t Usher Fitzman. What made her heart race wasn’t the beautiful violet hue but rather…

“I’m sorry. Did I scare you?”

A color like the sky, the sea, the river, and the clouds. Always the same, steady blue.

“Ahh…”

The love she thought would shatter her world if lost had left behind only a shell, cloaked in beautiful memories.

Usher, startled by Eleanor’s tears, hurriedly got off her. He then raised the upper half of the weeping woman and held her tightly, comforting her.

“I did something wrong.”

Even as she heard his helpless voice, her tears wouldn’t stop. She hated herself for not understanding her own emotions, hurting both of them.

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize to me.”

“I’m sorry, Usher…”

Eleanor sobbed as she apologized.

“I was too hasty.”

Usher held Eleanor’s small body in his arms and admitted he had been hasty. But Eleanor’s apologies didn’t stop.

“I didn’t mean to force you.”

Usher thought she was apologizing for not accepting his touch, but he had a strange premonition at that moment.

“……Eleanor.”

Usher called Eleanor’s name in a low voice. His hand, which had been soothing her back, stopped without him realizing it.

“I’m sorry. Please stop crying.”

He wanted to ask what she was apologizing for. But his lips wouldn’t move. He feared she might say something he didn’t want to hear. So all he could do was apologize and comfort her.

How had things come to this? How had their relationship ended up like this…?

A bottomless abyss. It felt like falling into it and being consumed by darkness.

“Usher.”

Eleanor raised her tear-filled eyes and met his gaze directly. A premonition pierced through Usher’s mind.

“It seems like I’m making it harder for you to stop crying. I’ll leave.”

And so, he tried to avoid everything and run away. But as Usher got up, Eleanor grabbed his sleeve.

“It’s okay, Eleanor. I understand. You don’t need to apologize anymore…”

“I have something to say, Usher.”

Her eyes were still wet with tears, but her gaze was clear. It was different from the distracted look she’d had recently when they were together.

“Let’s talk later.”

“Usher.”

“You seem confused right now, so let’s talk later.”

Usher pulled his sleeve free from Eleanor’s grip and turned his back. At least now, he was certain he shouldn’t hear what Eleanor had to say.

“It has to be now.”

But the cruelly beautiful woman seemed determined to break his heart.

“We can’t keep making foolish decisions forever.”

“What’s foolish?”

Usher asked, his voice tinged with unconcealed resentment.

“Clinging to each other like this.”

Something hot surged in his chest. Usher instinctively turned his body to face Eleanor. In her disheveled state, Eleanor didn’t avoid his gaze.

“Is it foolish to hold onto you because I love you?”

“……Usher.”

“Tell me, Eleanor Hudson.”

Usher murmured in a low voice.

“You know, don’t you?”

“What?”

“That we’re not holding on to each other because we love each other—I’m holding on to you because I love you.”

Eleanor spoke tearfully. It felt like a blow to the chest. Usher’s eyes wavered without direction.

Had he already known?

“I’m sorry.”

Yes, he had already known. Her gaze didn’t sparkle like stars, radiant and bright. How could he not recognize the dull, gray world clouded by guilt and sorrow? He loved her, so he couldn’t help but know.

“I couldn’t wait for you with the same feelings I promised.”

He thought she must have been shocked, thrilled, and happy about her former lover’s return, whom she thought had died. After all, they didn’t lose each other by choice.

“I’ve changed…”

“…….”

“While waiting for you, I sorted my feelings for you.”

But that alone couldn’t obscure Eleanor’s vision for long. The more vividly she remembered the times filled with love, the more quickly she noticed the oddity of a relationship filled with emotions that weren’t love.

“Call me a bad woman, a traitor, if you want.”

Usher’s hands trembled as he heard her confession. Eleanor had realized it quickly.

The person she loved wasn’t Usher.

“How could you?”

Usher asked with a hollow laugh. Tears dripped from Eleanor’s eyes. It was ridiculous. Even now, her tears stained her sorrowful face, and his heart burned.

“You made a firm promise to wait for me. How could you fall for my friend and try to abandon me?”

“…….”

“How could you do this to me!”

Usher criticized Eleanor’s change of heart. Afraid she might think otherwise, he finally let out the anger and sorrow he had kept hidden.

“I still clearly remember the day we parted at the train station.”

“Usher.”

“Your voice, promising to wait for me, and the memory of us kissing goodbye.”

Usher’s trembling voice broke off. Eleanor, who had risen from her seat, reached out and touched his face hesitantly. Only then did Usher realize he was crying.

“Don’t cry. You shouldn’t cry.”

Her touch was damp with tears. It was pathetic. Usher mocked himself for being so pitiful.

“Just curse me, blame me, and get angry. But don’t cry, okay?”

Eleanor bit her lips tightly. She seemed to be trying hard to suppress her tears.

“How could you forget that promise?”

Honestly, it still didn’t make sense. How could Moira so indifferently let go of the change of heart from his lover? He couldn’t bear it, as his heart churned and burned with unbearable pain.

“Ah, did you really wish I had died?”

“Usher!”

Eleanor exclaimed, as if his words were absurd.

“Be honest. After Logan reached out to you, didn’t you stop wanting me to return?”

But Usher continued to sneer. Somehow, he wanted to hurt Eleanor’s heart.

“That’s not true. I’m still happy that you’ve returned…”

“Then why are you trying to leave me?”

Usher took a step closer to Eleanor. Holding her arms tightly, he spoke.

“You can’t go back to Logan anyway. Just love me again.”

“Usher.”

“You’ve already changed your heart once; you can change again.”

Eleanor softly whispered his name. She wished he understood it wasn’t for her sake.

“If you truly care about me, at least keep your body close to me.”

But the man blinded by rage only ridiculed Eleanor’s sincerity with a twisted smile.