Chapter 2

Lying on his bed, it felt as though his scent still remained in this place.

A scent like being in a winter forest.

Whenever she was walking and suddenly caught that scent, if she turned around, he would be there.

She liked his scent.

Even now.

As she gazed out at the darkened window, she raised her upper body. Then, as if by habit, she walked over and sat at his desk.

Whenever Kardin met his death, she always sat here and wrote a letter.

What kind of heart had she used to write him a letter at first? Had she written it out of sorrow? Or was it out of guilt?

Or had she written it, as she was now, because his absence felt empty and she wanted to fill that feeling?

She did not know.

Even so, she picked up the pen and unfailingly continued writing a letter on the stiff sheet of paper.

To you.

Kardin, do you know what day it was today?

Once again, I held your funeral. Today makes the third time. Sending you away.

It may be a question that will receive no answer…… but I will ask through this letter.

Right now, do you hate me?

Because you met your death like this because of me, of course you must hate me.

But there is something that frightens me more than you hating me.

That time might not turn back. Because of that, I may never see you again.

That is truly frightening.

I know that I am being far too selfish. Kardin, please come back quickly.

And…….

As the tip of the pen neared the end of the paper, she bit her lip tightly.

Before she knew it, the sheet had been filled completely with black writing. She stared at it blankly, then forced a faint smile and slowly opened her mouth.

“……I mean it.”

She carefully folded the letter.

She placed the letter, which would never be delivered to anyone, preciously into an envelope, and for a long while once again she brushed her hand over the envelope.

After putting the letter into the drawer, she rose from her seat and turned her gaze out the window.

How long would she have to wait this time before she returned to the past?

One thought led to another and brought her back to the past.

Former Saintess, Shallen Melissa.

The name and title she had before she became Shallen Ferdian.

She had come from the Great Temple of Melissa and had been the Saintess there.

She bestowed blessings upon many people and cared for many people. It had been her duty.

That she, an orphan, had been able to enter the temple, and that such holy power had existed within an orphan, had been an astonishing coincidence.

Before becoming the Saintess, she had admired the noble former Saintess.

Because the position of Saintess was one that received the love of many.

But there was a story behind it that others did not know.

The Saintess’s holy power did not last very long.

According to ancient texts, the Saintess originally possessed holy power so abundant that she could bless thousands of people.

But the present she lived in was different.

At best ten years, at worst not even three, and the Saintess would lose her holy power.

A Saintess who lost her holy power would be placed in some remote, dark corner of the temple. They likely could not let someone whose face had already become known as the Saintess leave the temple grounds.

Even so, she had not thought that life there would be very different from life as the Saintess. Not until her own turn came.

Her life as Saintess had lasted seven years. It was difficult to call it either long or short.

When she was sent to where the former Saintess had been kept and learned the truth of it, she wanted to deny everything.

She could not believe it. That someone who had once been a Saintess would be neglected so completely.

Those who had once served them with such reverence no longer existed.

Confinement.

Though she was not bound in chains, she had become a being no different from a prisoner, one who would accept and eat if they tossed in a scrap of bread into the solitary cell.

On top of that, as time passed, even the intervals at which they gave her meals gradually grew longer. When they skipped a day, she thought perhaps it was a mistake, but little by little the frequency increased.

There was no Saintess left for her to admire.

Not a beautiful death of offering one’s soul to God, but a miserable death by starvation. That was what every Saintess in history had met.

And then it was her turn.

But contrary to the wishes of those who wanted her to starve to death, perhaps God still favored her and granted her a chance to escape from that place.

While she had been imprisoned, the Temple of Melissa had become a theocratic state and ended up forming an alliance with the Helen Kingdom, to which the Grand Ducal House of Ferdian belonged.

Perhaps they thought it would seem strange if the former Saintess did not appear at the banquet commemorating the alliance, because her meals changed.

What had once been a stale scrap of bread given at long intervals became proper meals beginning a few days before the banquet.

It was truly humiliating.

Should she simply refuse to eat and die? Or should she endure without eating that food and appear at the banquet in such a shabby state? Many thoughts crossed her mind.

However, she was no more than a mere human, so she ate the food they gave her.

And only just before the banquet began was she finally able to leave that prison-like place, no, that prison.

Many people crowded around her and dressed her up as though she were once again the noble Saintess she had been in days past.

People who merely praised her appearance, like that of a dead doll.

At that time, she thought:

Before long, a new Saintess would be born again. And that Saintess too would walk the same path as I had.

It was the hidden truth of this place, one that even she had not known during the time she had been put forward as the Saintess.

The one who saved her, she who would have been thrown back into a corner once the banquet ended, was her husband, Lord Kardin Ferdian.

His purpose was simple. The King had pressured him to marry, so he merely wanted to set as his wife a woman with nothing tying her down, someone free of entanglements.

She was the woman who was saved because she fit those conditions.

As the first words he had said to her came to mind, the corners of her lips softened before she knew it.

‘Do you have any lingering attachment to this place?’

That was what he said, abandoning even the noble greeting expected of an aristocrat.

To her, those words were a single ray of light.

‘No, I do not.’

‘Then how would you feel about marrying me.’

What had she felt when she first heard it? It seemed her heart had beaten quickly.

Cutting off the words he was about to continue, she answered quickly.

‘All right.’

‘……It will be no more than an act for others to see. But, without lacking anything…….’

‘Anything is fine. Let’s marry.’

What kind of expression had Kardin made then? Was it because she had returned several times? It was a pity that her memory had grown blurred and she could not recall it clearly.

His first death.

Around half a month after he died, she returned to the past. When she opened her eyes, it was the day of the wedding.

At that time, she could not believe that she had returned to the past and merely thought that she had had a dream.

She did not accept his first death. She could not believe it.

Even in the relationship between them that flowed similarly to the dream, she lived at ease.

Thinking of it now, it was truly so absurd, really.

Simply because she had left the temple itself, she felt relieved. She passed her days without thinking ahead.

Only when news came that Kardin was going to war, in those days soaked in lukewarm happiness, did her heart finally tighten with fear.

If that had been a dream, she wondered whether it had shown her the future with the little holy power that still remained in her.

But because she could give no warning and make no preparation at all, Kardin met his second death.

As someone who had died in war, naturally his cold corpse had not remained whole and was stained with blood.

Wiping away the blood that had already dried with trembling hands, she said that she had been complacent. That she was sorry.

After Kardin died, she was anxious. Even at that time, she was truly pathetic.

The reason for her anxiety was that he, who had steadfastly protected her back, was dead.

If the first time she had dismissed his death as merely a dream, the second regression was somewhat different.

Having returned just before the wedding, she struggled. Which would she choose: this indelible guilt, or the pain of that place?

And she followed her greed. It was no different from her having killed him herself.

After his second death, before even half a year had passed, she was able to see Kardin again.

Did God truly cherish her? Or pity her?

Or if not that, was time being turned back because God found it offensive that she, who should have died miserably in prison, had fled to this place and found comfort?

Whatever God’s intentions were, she made a choice. She would leave this peaceful and warm place because of this guilt that could not be washed away.

The day she asked him for a divorce became the last moment she spoke with him.

He went to war once again without a word, and once again returned to her as a cold corpse.

Was she a little calmer? What kind of face had she made earlier?

Since he died again this time as well, she would be able to see Kardin again, wouldn’t she. She would return, wouldn’t she.

Then why was she always afraid?

What if, just what if, time did not turn back. What if, unlike before, she did not return to the past. What if it all ended with him truly gone.

She drew her gaze away from the window and walked to the bed. She laid her slightly trembling body down upon it.

When she buried her face in the pillowcase, tears she did not even know had gathered soaked the pillow.

Closing both eyes gently, she dropped a quiet murmur.

“If I fall asleep like this and wake up, I hope you will have come back alive. I truly mean it.”

……If God is giving me this trial because He finds me objectionable, then when that time comes, I will take your death upon myself and pay the price in that hell.

Next time, let us not be together.

Kardin, I hope your next winter will not be cold. And I hope flowers will bloom in your winter.

Today as well, in your room, the one seeking sleep,

Shallen Ferdian.