Chapter 2.17

Life continued like a hamster wheel. Twice a day, the doctor would come to examine her, and she focused on recovering by taking the medicine he prescribed. Even so, she never neglected to see the children.

Killian and Selina, despite being twins, were very different in temperament. Killian was cautious, introverted, and rarely cried. Selina, on the other hand, laughed easily, cried often, and expressed herself clearly.

Every time she looked at the children, who felt like extensions of herself, the shadow of death that had loomed over her gradually disappeared, eventually vanishing completely. She could only think of them as gifts and responsibilities given to her by the gods. Instead of thinking she had to die, all she could think about was how she had to take responsibility for them.

Perhaps it was that determination that helped her body recover. Over time, she regained some weight, and much of the pain subsided.

“How are you feeling?”

She nodded instead of answering, indicating that she was fine.

She decided to think of him as a deer figurine on the table. He was inanimate. Not a person. She didn’t need to feel anything for him. She tried to suppress her rising emotions by thinking this way.

“Leti, how about we go for a boat ride to lift your spirits? There’s a lake inside the palace grounds.”

It was a tempting suggestion. But she didn’t answer immediately, only glancing at him. He hurriedly added more.

“It’ll be fun. It’s an artificial lake, but it’s quite large.”

He’s just a talking deer figurine. Not a person. 

Even so, she found herself wanting to go outside. In the end, she nodded reluctantly.

“Great. I’ll make the arrangements. I’ll call someone to attend to you, so wait just a moment.”

He dashed out of the room. She pulled back the covers and stepped out of bed. Having been confined to her room for so long, even stepping out of bed felt unfamiliar. She looked around the room before standing up fully. The sharp pain she used to feel in her joints was gone. Her legs wobbled slightly, but it was bearable.

She began walking slowly, circling the room. By the time she had walked five steps, the door opened, and two female attendants entered.

They greeted her politely and guided her to the bathroom. They washed her, dressed her, and groomed her. She let them do as they pleased.

Having spent months bedridden and relying on others’ care, she had grown accustomed to their touch and no longer resisted. It even felt comfortable.

She hadn’t been like this just a few months ago…

Suddenly, memories she had buried began to surface: her mother, the baron, the Emperor, Amy, Hugo.

And the bag of money the baron had given her. It was probably still in the same place she had left it at Amy’s house. Maybe Amy had opened it and checked its contents. But if it was Amy, she wouldn’t have used it recklessly. Even if she had used half of it, it wouldn’t matter. The remaining half would still be enough for her and the children to settle down somewhere.

In any case, she needed to leave this place and go somewhere else. She didn’t know when, but someday… soon.

“All done.” 

One of the attendants said.

She nodded and rose to her feet, heading for the door. Karl Lavresion, who had been leaning against the wall, straightened up hastily. He looked at her intently and said,

“…You’re beautiful, Leti.”

She didn’t respond and simply placed her hand on the arm he offered. He didn’t say anything further and escorted her outside the palace. His two attendants followed closely behind.

As they stepped outside, sunlight poured over her face. Why had she forgotten this sunlight? Just feeling its warmth lifted her spirits. She couldn’t help but smile.

“The doctor said it’s okay for you to take walks now. So let’s come out often.”

The deer figurine spoke.

“It’s still too early, but once your body gets better, you can even swim. Arhadan is much warmer than here, so there’s no risk of catching a cold…”

This time, she couldn’t ignore his words. She lowered her gaze and bit her lower lip.

It seemed he was planning to take her to Arhadan. In the past, she might have been overjoyed, perhaps even moved to tears. But not now. She no longer wanted to be swayed by the shallow feeling called love.

And yet…

“In Arhadan, festivals are frequent. The beer you like is so common that you can find it anywhere, and there’s a wide variety of flavors. There are even fruit beers and sweet wines. There’s a fruit called Lren that you can only find in Arhadan—I think you’d really like it.”

“…”

“There’s so much to enjoy besides festivals. Playing ball on the beach is fun, and building sandcastles is enjoyable too. I’m actually quite good at making them. Or we could just lie down and bask in the sun while watching the sea. The sea in Arhadan is truly beautiful. Like the color of your eyes, Leti.”

Stop. Please stop.

Her bitten lip started to bleed. She licked the blood with her tongue and stared at the ground. Don’t waver. Don’t waver. She repeated this to herself like a mantra.

“Leti, please say something.”

He stopped walking and spoke. She continued to stare at the ground.

“Leti, look at me.”

No. She couldn’t. She didn’t want to. She mustn’t.

She bit her lower lip again, harder this time. Blood spilled and soaked her lips. She swallowed the blood seeping through her teeth and looked straight ahead. Then, pulling her arm free from his, she walked ahead on her own.

“Leti!”

She thought that if she kept walking, she’d eventually reach the lake. Whether he followed or not, she kept walking. But she was quickly caught.

“Leti, don’t walk so fast. You’ll overexert yourself.”

His hand gripped her wrist tightly. “Ah!” She gasped, and he immediately loosened his hold.

“…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

No. 

She almost answered instinctively but swallowed the words just in time. Instead, she continued to stare at the ground for a long while. Beside her, she heard him let out a small sigh. Eventually, he started walking again.

On the way to the lake, Karl Lavresion didn’t say a single word. Even though she had decided to treat him as an inanimate object, her heart stirred at his uncharacteristic silence.

Foolish and pathetic. Stupid and utterly ridiculous.

If she avoided looking at Karl Lavresion, these feelings would eventually fade. If she focused solely on the children, if she thought only of them, she would forget him. She wanted to escape from him. To distance herself. To run away.

Everyone they passed on their way to the lake glanced at her and Karl Lavresion. When they finally reached the lake and boarded the boat, it felt as though every eye was on them. Their expressions varied, but the question in their eyes was the same.

‘Why?’

That’s what they seemed to be asking. Occasionally, sharp gazes pierced her, but she consciously ignored them. When she sneaked a glance at Karl Lavresion, he appeared unfazed. He rowed the boat with an expressionless face.

Why wasn’t he letting his attendants row the boat? Why was he doing it himself?

Watching him row the large oars alone made her feel a pang of pity. 

Should I help him? Should I offer to row with him? But…

Hesitation and fear outweighed her pity. She turned her head completely away from him and focused on the scenery.

The artificial lake was beautiful. The people on the boats were dressed extravagantly, drawing attention. The women all wore flower crowns or had flowers tucked behind their ears. It seemed to be the trend. They laughed and chatted with one another, appearing genuinely happy. Though she couldn’t hear them clearly from a distance, it seemed they were complimenting each other’s flower crowns.

How had they become friends? How did one make friends?

She envied them.

She wanted to laugh and chat with other women like that.

Not with people who cared for her out of duty, but with friends she could laugh and talk with freely.

Before her ugly emotions could boil over, she quickly averted her gaze from the laughing women. But everywhere she looked, there were families, couples, and groups of friends. They were all likely nobles. Each probably had their own circumstances, but outwardly, they all seemed happy.

She was a noble too. No, she was technically a noble, but not truly one. She hadn’t been accepted into their world.

Karl Lavresion, on the other hand, could easily fit in among them. He didn’t belong with her. He was an Imperial Family member of Arhadan. They were worlds apart. He didn’t belong with someone like her, who crawled in the dirt.

Someday, even the sense of responsibility he felt now would fade. When that day came, he would regret it. He would blame himself for being foolish. For taking responsibility for a burdensome woman when he didn’t have to. For making a pointless choice.

Love wasn’t eternal.

It couldn’t be trusted.

“Leti.”

“Yes.”

She answered without thinking. Too late, she realized her mistake.

“You finally answered me.”

“…”

“You don’t look well. Should we go back if you’re tired?”

She nodded immediately. If all she was going to do was spend the day envying others, she’d rather lock herself back in her room.

“…What can I do to make you feel better?”

Karl Lavresion muttered as if talking to himself. She instinctively turned her head to look at him. He was smiling faintly. It was a smile that seemed as though it could vanish in an instant. It wasn’t his usual smile. Realizing this, her heart fluttered.

“Leti, I want you to feel better… but I don’t know what to do.”

“…”

“So, will you tell me? Tell me what I should do?”

There was no sly gaze, no relaxed smile, no air of confidence. For a moment, he looked slightly pitiful. It was strange. He couldn’t possibly be pitiful.

It must have been another foolish delusion of hers.

Her heart began to race. She averted her gaze from him as if fleeing. He’s just a deer figurine. He’s inanimate. He’s not a person. No matter how many times she repeated this to herself, her heart continued to pound.

He didn’t ask any more questions. But she could tell. He was waiting for an answer. Knowing this, she still didn’t respond.