Chapter 6

“I order you to leave the banquet hall at once with the Crown Prince and help him so that he may change his clothes, Young Lady.”

At the Emperor’s words, spoken in a mischievous tone as though that were the punishment, Viviana startled and lifted her head, then immediately lowered it again.

He had said helping him was the punishment, but in reality she would not actually be waiting on him. If they went to his room for him to change, his attendants would be there waiting, so these words were no different from telling the two of them to spend time alone together.

At those words, Skyler’s face brightened. The Emperor watched with a smile as his quick-witted son came over to Viviana’s side and held out his hand.

“I will guide you, Young Lady.”

Skyler stepped forward, offering to escort her, but with his faintly flushed cheeks and excited expression, he looked more like a noble young lady asking Viviana to escort him. Without a word, Viviana took Skyler’s hand and followed behind him.

Ignoring her trembling heart, Viviana focused instead on the gazes at her back.

Among the delighted gaze of the Emperor and the interested gazes of the nobles, she could feel the worried gazes of her parents.

Viviana steadied her heart once more. She did not want to make Celia worry.

Because Celia had been willing to give up even her life for Viviana’s sake, Viviana was especially weak when it came to her.

‘…If I disappear.’

It was possible Celia would be ruined too. There had already been precedent, after all. For Celia’s sake as well, Viviana had to steady her wavering heart. Viviana lowered her eyes, her eyelids trembling faintly, hoping her shaken heart too would be pressed down heavily, just like those eyelids.

* * *

One day, after the reincarnations that had begun so long ago had repeated several more times, she and he were born as the children of wealthy families in Korea, and were bound by a prenatal engagement.

As water flows from above to below, as though by a naturally given law, she fell in love with him the moment she met him, and he too had been fond of her.

Since she was the only woman around him who was not blood-related to him, she truly believed that in this life she would really end up with him.

At least, that was before a poor but sparkling girl, like the heroine of a drama, stepped into their lives.

“I want you to break off our engagement.”

That one sentence became a sharp dagger and pierced through her heart.

His expression as he asked for the engagement to be broken off was dark and confused too, but she was unable to look closely at him because of her own pain.

‘Why….’

Why? Why? Why did it become like this again? By the time she had managed to escape the pain in her heart and barely breathe again, he seemed to have steeled his resolve, for he had composed his darkened expression and was looking at her with a firm face. His mouth opened once more.

“Break the engagement….”

At that moment, she could not hold back the laughter bursting out of her.

“Ahahaha―!”

“Let us break off the engagement.”

When she laughed and pretended not to hear, he bit down hard on his lips, but opened his mouth again and drove those sharply honed words back into her chest.

At the renewed pain, she found it hard to breathe, and beneath the table her hand clenched into a tight fist and trembled.

Even then, because she had always wanted to look beautiful to him, she lowered her head, trying to hide the face twisted by pain.

For a while there were no words between them. It was she who broke that silence.

“…Is it because of Sera?”

He did not say yes, but neither did he say no. Growing frantic, she began to demand answers from him.

“Now… because of one girl you have not even known for a year, are you saying you are going to ruin me, someone you have known for over ten years, and ruin the bond between our families, who have been close for nearly three generations?”

Even at her reproach, he did not change his mind. So she changed tactics and appealed to sentiment.

“You know this engagement is not something that concerns only us, do you not?”

If she could not hold him with love, then she would hold him with something else. That was what she thought.

House, family, whatever it might be, if any of it could keep him from turning his back on her, then she was willing to throw everything before him and plead.

“Think rationally. You are not this kind of person.”

He, who had been quietly listening to her words, suddenly lifted his head. That face was full of confusion and guilt.

How could that possibly be the face of someone in love? From what she saw, he did not look happy at all.

“Yes. That is right. If I were thinking rationally, I would not make a decision like this.”

He smiled with a bitter face.

“So I am sorry. I thought I was rational too, but it turned out I was not….”

Because she knew what he was about to say, her eyes trembled as though struck by a storm.

Unable to meet those eyes, he opened his mouth.

“I cherish you, and I like you. I will not deny that. But….”

He wore the expression of someone who did not know what he should say. He crushed his lips anxiously and tightly clasped both hands together.

“Unlike that, I love her.”

He smiled. But that distorted smile looked as though he were holding back tears.

“When I look at you, my heart feels calm. Like a blanket wrapping around me when I lie down exhausted from weariness, like a holiday when I sleep in late and rest.”

The face that had been smiling in that twisted way contorted even more, and the smile vanished.

“But… when I look at Sera… I feel sad. As though the whole world is soaked in sorrow, everything becomes damp.”

She could not understand how that could possibly be love.

“My chest feels stifled. Even when I try not to look, my head turns. I pushed her away, and pushed her away, but in the end, it was as if someone kept shoving me until I was standing before Sera. At the end of that pull I could not resist… all that fills me is the thought that I have to make this person happy.”

“Ha….”

“I am sorry. I could not stop my heart from drifting that way. It feels as though I owe her a debt. It feels as though I should beg her forgiveness.”

“Do you really think that is love?” 

At her question, he smiled tearfully and said,

“Exactly.”

Watching his face as he laughed like that, she laughed at herself.

So it is over. Once again, I am about to lose you like this.

“So let us break off the engagement. I think it would be a terrible thing to do to you if I, loving someone else and keeping Sera in my heart, were to marry you.”

Watching him try to persuade her, she lowered her eyes and thought.

Even just the shell would be enough. She would give up on having all of him, if only she could have even one thing.

“…What if I say I do not mind? Marry me, and date her. Do you really think that love will last forever? I do not think so. So marry me, and you can go on seeing her until you grow tired of it.”

At those words, he flinched. His eyes trembled faintly, then he let out a deep sigh and called her name.

“Anna….”

With a pitying face, he told her not to do this. But even so, she wanted to hold on to him somehow.

There is no eternal love.

It was a contradictory thing for her to say, she who loved and longed for him across repeated reincarnations.

Yet even if her own heart were torn to pieces by her own words, if she could hold on to him, then she said she would deny her own love with her own mouth.

At his continued attempts to persuade her, she covered her ears and shook her head.

“I! I have already backed down this much! Why! Why is it still not enough!”

“Anna!”

“I am asking for even just the shell! I will not be greedy for everything! I am asking you to give me even just a handspan of space beside you!”

At last, the tears she had been holding back burst out. As she wept openly, tears streaming down her face, he apologized over and over, saying he was sorry, he was sorry, and then rose from his seat.

Unable even to stop him as he left, so wretched at heart, she buried her face in her palms and poured out tears.

If she had known it would be the last time, she would not have done that. She would have grabbed him with both hands so he could not leave, and clung miserably to his legs, screaming at the top of her lungs that if he was going to leave, then he should kill her first.

That night, after letting him go like that, she heard the news that he had run away with his lover.

* * *

Her love always ended in tragedy, and in the end it led to her death.

And her last love also led to death.

“Ah….”

There was a bridge she crossed every day on her way home.

It was on the road back, after going to his house, hearing that he had run away in love with Sera, and returning with a hollow laugh.

The moment she was driving over that bridge, she thought the world was swaying, and at the same time a roar sounded and a floating sensation ran through her whole body.

Her vision shook wildly, but she heard no screams. All she could do, stunned by shock, was grip the steering wheel tightly.

Over the blue waves drawing closer and closer, there rose before her the face of him, whom foolishly she still could not let go.

‘Crazy b*tch.’

At the same time as she let out a soft laugh at her own foolishness, the car slammed headfirst into the water’s surface with a deafening crash.

Crash―!!!

Along with the sound of destruction, the airbag she had paid dearly for burst open before her eyes from the steering wheel she was gripping, swelling out and striking her in the face.

“Ugh…!”

Was it because she had been struck by the airbag? Her vision blurred, and her consciousness blurred too.

She felt a faint pain in her nose.

Was her nose bleeding? While worrying that someone might see her in such an ugly state, she laughed at herself for wondering whether this was really the time to care about that.

‘…Live well.’

Since he had chosen the love that had fed upon her unhappiness and grown from it, she hoped he would be happy.

Otherwise, her unhappiness would have been born for no meaning at all.

She had reincarnated many times, but she had never been able to know what kind of life he lived after her death, after abandoning her.

Because unlike her, he had no memories of his previous lives, she could not even ask him. She had always wondered.

Whether it had been a happy life,

How many children he had,

Whether that love had lasted forever,

And whether, while living with that love, he had never once thought of her.

“…Foolish b*tch.”

Murmuring that, she laughed lowly. Mocking herself for the pathetic sorrow she was indulging in, she closed her eyes. It seemed this life would end here.

‘Goodbye.’

She gave her final farewell. She did not know to whom that farewell was directed.

To him? To the world? Or perhaps to her own heart, so full of lingering attachment.

As she gave herself over to the cold water gradually seeping into the car and rising higher, her consciousness slowly faded.

If you are not my fate, and I cannot have you.

If loving you only hastens my death.

If even after dying like this over and over, you will still never let yourself be held in my hands.

Then I will never love you again.

Even in death, never again.

As she thought that and sank down into those deep waters, her soul was pulled into the depths, and once again a new life was given to her.